Marie Osmond is still alive

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Despite reports by the National Enquirer that Marie Osmond was hospitalized after a failed suicide attempt, her manager says it was just a bad reaction to some medication and she’s doing fine now.

“She basically had an adverse reaction to some medication she was taking and she blacked out,” spokeswoman Amy Hawkes said. Osmond, who lives in Utah County about 30 miles from Salt Lake City, spent a couple of days at Timpanogos Regional Medical Center in Orem last week, Hawkes said. “She’s doing fine. She’s vacationing with her family right now,” she said. “We deal with those tabloids all the time,” said Karl Engemann, Osmond’s manager. “You get tired of responding. It’s like punching Jell-O.”

It’s about time we had some updates on Marie Osmond’s life. Because I’ve, uh, really been like thinking about her. Or something. Definitely. Why does she look like she wants to eat my liver?