After learning that her Jack Russell couldn’t board a flight with her to Los Angeles from New York City, Mariah Carey had a chauffeur drive the dog 3,000 miles across the country so that he could be with her. This begs the question, when will Mariah Carey run out of money? It has to be soon, because there’s only so long you can chauffeur your dog across a continent, use rolled-up fifty dollar bills as tampons, and eat breakfast out of the Elephant Man’s skull before people realize that they can just give the money they’re giving you to, I don’t know, teachers or nurses or nuns.
I tell you, the day I see Mariah Carey peddling money loans on TV alongside Gary Coleman is the day I can die almost-happy. I say “almost-happy” because I’ll be dying with the knowledge that Mariah Carey’s dog had a richer and more fulfilling life than me. But then again, that’s the case for most of us.