Mariah Carey still married, chesty

For the three of you wondering, Mariah Carey is still married to Nick Cannon and even threw a birthday party for him last night at Pure nightclub. I guess he gets one public appearance with Mariah a month, and in return she’s allowed to drain the youth from him then sleep unfettered in a hyperbolic chamber. Not that that’s a bad thing because, damn! It’s working. At this rate, Mariah will look like she’s in her 20’s by Christmas while Nick Cannon will morph into Redd Foxx and finally experience the indirect thrill of people recognizing him. Dreams do come true!