Mariah Carey needs a bib

January 6th, 2006 // 43 Comments

*mariah_carey_thumb1.jpgHere’s a quick question for you: say you’ve put on some weight recently. You barely fit in your clothes. When you’re having dinner people ask if you’re “eating for two.” Do you then a) hit the gym, b) draw some fake abs on your bean-bag stomach, or c) shovel food down your face so fast that you need a bib, and then publicize this fact. If you chose c, you and Mariah Carey should get together, because she told Britain’s Daily Mirror newspaper: “I’m so excited to get in bed, watch movies and eat. I joke that I need a bib because I’m such a messy eater.” She added: “At a restaurant people are looking at you so when I’m in private I eat like a two-year-old.”

I think what she meant to say is “when I’m in private I eat two-year olds. By the dozen.” Which I’m not entirely against since, despite being soft and squishy, she now has ginormous boobs. Which, I’m assuming, are also soft and squishy.


  1. Lynette Carrington

    Oh, Mariah painted a REALLLY nice picture with that description. Why doesn’t she just admit it? Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen have filled in as Mariah’s Carey’s breasts because they have nothing better to do.

  2. She eats like a two-year-old because she’s fed like a two-year-old.

    How long before she trains a minion to regurgitate food into her mouth? At her level of importance you can’t be bothered to waste time and energy chewing or digesting. Dick Cheney’s been doing it for years, and look at him now!

  3. clarkehead

    When she’s not popular, she thins down. But as soon as her face is everywhere and she’s getting all sorts of press and attention, she stuffs her face and balloons up. I wish she was unpopular again – forever.

  4. MortyFishbein

    It’s must be extremely stressful being singing, bitchy cow ALL THE TIME.

    I think she should shake it off. And by “shake it off,” I meant those back rolls I saw in photos a friend took of her at Butter. Not Butter the nightclub in New York, oh no. I meant Butter: The North American Butter Manufacturers Association trade show. This bitch loves butter . . .

  5. amma

    …She is so ass-out insane! Definitely going to end up in an institution. This isn’t well known, but the “Mimi” of her latest album is actually an alter-ego handpuppet of hers. Can anyone say Sybil?

  6. Sheva

    She looks like a stuffed sausage now. Watching her just get up and move to the stage is an awful experience.

    Hey Mariah, mooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Derek Jeter was smart to get away from your crazy ass. Before your ass exploded into three sizes larger.

  7. reesestet

    Did anyone see her on New Years Rockin Eve? What a completely narcissistic bimbo. She needs her ass kicked.

  8. Roddy von Seldeneck

    I found her appearance throroughly disgusting to watch on New Year’s Eve….

    it made me turn out the lights and ignore the ball drop.

  9. Lucky Pierre

    Mariah is a student of the Kristy Alley school of public diplomacy. Fat = people pay attention. This “method” was trail blazed by Sally Struthers.

  10. crabbyoldguy

    Mariah needs to recall the words of that great philosopher, Dean Wormer: “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life”.

    She makes “Flounder” look like Cary Grant.

  11. HollyJ

    I think it’s pretty obvious that her boobs are FAKE, and therefore hard, not squoosy. Real boobs don’t stick out like that, especially if they’re the size of a toddler’s cranium.

    I’d say, based on recent photos, her fake tatas are probably the ONLY firm part of her entire anatomy. The rest of her appears to have the viscosity of a sea slug.

    In this particular pic, her neck looks so smooshy, I just wanna poke at it with my index finger and see how far in my finger will sink. It looks like biege cake icing, for god’s sake.

    She’s a sleep-number bed on 5.

  12. sammygirl

    I think she’s storing some nuts in those cheeks. Which cheeks? What nuts? You decide.

  13. Sheva

    Put some pads on her, she’s ready to be an NFL linemen.

  14. kelly

    Maybe I am crazy (crazy is good) but I dont think Mariah looks that bad. She has filled out and is curvy, but why can’t a girl enjoy a twinkie (or two, or three)..

    FIY, i am not a Mariah fan, i think she is conceited and diva-like, but i think we need more curvy girls in the media spotlite, not all nicoles and lindseys and mary kates…gotta mix it up a bit

  15. I see nothing wrong with Mariah….aside from the insanity and the body dysmorphia.

  16. HollyJ

    LOL sammygirl ! HA!

    (Oh great. Now I have the mental image of Mariah toting huge hairy testicles. There goes my lunch.)

  17. hanako chan

    you are all petty, haters.. so what, she’s a lil thicker.. she’s still hot! her career is soaring, so all you can do is talk shyt!!! at least there are worse things you can be than envious…

  18. OMG!

    So you would guys rather her look like Nicole Ritchie in that bikini pic?

    I think Mariah looks normal.

  19. lucylicious

    Mariah might be a little overweight, but honestly at least I don’t get physically sick looking of pictures of her like I do when I see pictures of umm, lets see: the Hiltons, Nicole Richie, the Olsen twins, Kimberly Stewart, Calista Flockhart, Hilary Duff, and pretty much every other celebrity in Hollywood. It’s pretty pathetic to me that there are actually people in third world countries who don’t have enough to eat, and stars with millions of dollars are starving themselves. As far as I’m concerned “Mooriah” can go ahead and enjoy another hamburger.

  20. LoneWolf

    I kinda hope that she, like Tara and Brit, continues on a downward spiral physically. It’s going to be interesting to see when they hit rock bottom. That said, I’d hit it. It’d be like doing a bean bag chair.

  21. Meesa420

    I’m sorry, that get up she wore for New Years Eve was brutal. Those thighs were like Christmas hams.

  22. derekd

    Maybe what she meant to say was ” I like eating 2-year-olds privates”. Thats one sick bitch. I’d do her.

  23. Marmin

    yeah her boobs… DEFINITELY fake. and her blimp ass does get on my nerves but im gonna have to agree with her on the satisfaction of sitting back with ur hair tied and eating like no ones there while watching tv aahhhh relaxation.

  24. here

    Jello-bombs up front = no problems for me. Give her a mini-tent; a pro football jersey or something when she’s in the bedroom. Lights low because if she’s the type to huff and puff when she tries to focus during the act – disgusting weather balloon sized head. Just squeeze them a lot. Apparently throw her off the couch afterwards to be safe. Keep cash well away from cookies she might see. Definitely a dirt-road job.

  25. LickyLicky

    Ugh. I’ve called her Mariah sCarey for years… everytime I think she’s reached the looming precipice of normalcy and stops, she tips over the edge. She’s like Wile E. Coyote, being saved from certain death by tiny outcroppings down the side of the cliff; I can’t wait for the day when we see that overhead shot of the little puff of smoke, with the whistling doppler-effected noise in the background.

    Can someone give her an ACME anvil and make her go faster? Whether she eats it or carries it or just uses it as an oddly shaped breast implant, I don’t care.

  26. lastangelman

    I’m glad someone has noticed the empress has become miss piggy. dump that guy, mariah, I’ll will always pork you. you let him produce your records, i’ll give you a reason to sing.

  27. Marmin

    anyone notice how lately when mariahs on stage she has a real hard time singing/catching her breath??


    ^even scarier

  28. Bigbustytalllady

    my goodness mariah is thick but what is better to look like you are dying and with bony ass legs or be thick and voluptous . she is a celebrity but she is also a person too.

  29. macgurrl

    As some have already said, Mariah is a better role model for what is normal. Too many young girls, and women think they have to weigh, 99 pounds to have self worth, and be accepted.

  30. LickyLicky

    Ya know, Mariah might want to be cut some slack (or others might want it cut for her) because she’s a person, too, but if that’s the case, then she needs to act like a person instead of a spoiled asshole. She built her own image about how much of a diva she is and how she can get away with shit- like those Gucci shoes in the pool in whatever sad-assed video she shot just because she could- so she needs to deal with the backlash.

    She made her bed and now she needs to lie (or lay, that’s the one thing I never could remember) in it… she’d just better hope she quits porking up to the point that she can’t get out of it.

  31. J-Bo

    Follow me on this one people. Mariah and Starr Jones …topless in sumo wrestler panties….steel cage, slash ladder match, with a Christmas ham hangin from a chain in the center of the ring. Going back up to 200 pounds every other month is just as sick as Nicole Ritchie doing the Houdini act with her body. The world has “thick” people in it already. Mariah is just a whack job.

  32. CelebGossipAficionado

    I won’t even attempt to defend a thirty-something year old chick who still wears garanimals.

  33. Pearly

    I know this is mean but what the hell. Does anyone remember the last time miss Scarey wound up in a psych ward because of her severe bi-polar disorder? I do and patients staying there leaked to the press that she was crawling around like a baby and throwing stuff, just completely manic wildness so I’m thinking this “eating like a 2 year old” goes right along with that whole scene. Maybe “Mimi” her ‘alter ego’ is a two year old self obsessed binge eater ?

  34. vida

    I luv Mariah!! Yes, she’s a Diva but she’s F.I.N.E. (and no, i don’t mean friggin’ed up, insane, neurotic & emotional…altho, it may not be completely untrue) but FINE! So what if she’s more voluptuous these days and MK & A O can both swing in her bra. When she brings it, she brings the house down. She can outsing, outhair, out_____ most anybody…certainly these no talent, skinny, shapeless “celebs” these days. Aight people?

    (PS. What did Mariah’s left boob say to the right boob? We belong together!)

  35. Mariah777Carey

    You_people_are_so_mean!Do_Have_any_idea_what_mariah_will_feel_about_your_comments? You_know_at_first_i_dont_think_americans_can_be_this_mean_to_each_other…



  36. Mariah777Carey

    You_people_are_so_mean!Do Have any idea what mariah will feel about your comments? You_know at first i dont think americans can be this mean to each other…

    You know.. mariah is a human being and she can do whatever she wants to do…she can eat she can rest she can even say what she want to say coz shes free…

    Mariah has her own personality and all of us do have differneces….I feel sorry…because shes just being free but people dont like her being a free person…and i feel sorry for all the haters out there…coz..Your
    just too mean..and..Your creating sins…

  37. Mariah777Carey

    Mariah is a true person. shes lets us see what the real mariah is…I Mean theres a LOT of great pretenders in hollywood..a lot of celebs out there are not true to themselves and some are pretending to be someone else..many celebs images are sweet and a lot of them seems to be nice and almost perfect..but deep inside them their not realy like that..some of them are realy bitchy,slots and whores.

    But mariah is waaaay different from those celebs coz mariah is real person.she let us see what the real mariah is…unlike other celebs that will do anything to make their image look good…

    accept mariah as who she is.not only mariah but all the people around you so that they can also accept you as who you are…

  38. LaydeeBug

    Mariah Carey needs to get up off her fat ass and ride a bike. And not to the Haagen Dazs store. She also really needs to stop being such a cheap cooze and get a stylist who doesn’t lie to her. Let your hair curl, gurl and call Patti LaBelle for some style tips. Then again, her whore DNA is probably kicking in.

  39. LaydeeBug

    OK, just to set the record straight. NOBODY likes 99 lb chicks that look like sticks. That is not the issue people. Big and thick is good, when in proportion. But when you are FILTHY rich and FUCKING lazy, there is soemthing wrong there. The fact that she is a cunt has nothing to do with her being a little “zaftig.” Cunt is spelled only one way: C-U-N-T! And while we’re at it, lets get the whole DIVA definition straight. DIVA does not mean Douchbag Idiot Vain Asshole. A diva was an opera singer, a good opera singer, not a flipping, demanding, nasty, slave-driving CUNT. And if that’s the REAL Mariah, then I’d rather be a fake person who at least pretends to be civil. I actually felt a little for her at the end of Glitter where she was crying when she saw her mom again. I’d like to believe she is really like that. I swear. But, sadly and obviously, she isn’t.

  40. Dafynestrican

    I think the haters on here need to back off. If you have nothing better to d then point out what you think are the faults of someone you don’t even know then you need more hobbies to fill out your day. personally, mariah is my favorite artist. I went as far as to get her initials tattooed on my back. And as for the way she looks I think she fine as all hell. I wont sit up here and act like everything about her is a picture of perfection, but she’s human just like everyone else. You guys talkin all this crap just shows that you have nothing better to do. You’re probably the same people still living in your parents basements downloading porn. lol.Lay off the girl.

  41. is it just me or does she get more disgusting every time we hear about her?

  42. She is definitely getting more uglier and uglier every time I see her. and one more thing:
    I hate her voice!!!

  43. Mariah C

    I don’t know, you people are so mean and nasty to me. I am just a girl trying to get by in a man-defined world. So what if the only way to keep your career going is to pump your chest full of blubber for them to masturbate over? I wouldn’t be the first or the lasat. It’s just a reflection of how sick the world has become, and how men expect women to act just like the porn models. Never mind that many young impressionable girls will look at me as a role model and that my image will make them even more insecure.

    Fat, skinny, voluptuous, guess what? If you are a women, it’s all about what you look like. Why can’t you mean people just reassess your attitutes – men are not judged every single time by what they look like and how much masturbation potential they have, but this seems to be the ONLY criteria for women, no matter what their talent or IQ.

    Trouble is, there don’t seem to be many options left for women any longer – you’re either f**kable or you’re not – skinny, fat or whatever – that’s how women are valued now – no other options girls. Get used to it, and if you email me, I will send advice on how to go thru the extreme trauma of having implant surgery (it’s just like treating your body like a piece of plastic- or so the male-dominated media would have women think).

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