Mariah Yeater Is A ‘Good Person’ Who Just Happened To Statutory Rape Justin Bieber

Mariah Yeater, the 20-year-old California girl above who allegedly had unprotected sex with a 16-year-old Justin Bieber then sued him for paternity of her three-month-old son via a tabloid is really a “good, honest person,” according to her grandfather. “Why if it weren’t for that boy’s maple-penis, I reckon she’d be a doctor. Just look at these here medical photos she took on the computer box.” NY Daily News reports:

Eddie Markhouse tells Inside Edition that his granddaughter, Mariah Yeater, doesn’t lie.
“I don’t know the whole story. But, from what I understood, she met him at a concert and he sent two security guards down off of the stage to bring her backstage to meet him,” Markhouse said. “She said they partied, had some drinks and they indulged in sex … She’s basically an honest good person. She’s got a big heart. She’s a good kid and she loves this baby.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa, now it’s both of them were drunk? So this good, honest, all-American, salt-of-the-earth church-folk of a nun accidentally poured alcohol into an underage Justin Bieber and then somehow his penis ended up in her without a condom on? Well, clearly this proves he’s a witch. I say we tie rocks to him and demand his magic sex powers compel him to float. To the quarry!