Mariah Carey’s Cleavage Is For The Children Or Something

May 30th, 2014 // 21 Comments

Posted by Photo Boy

So remember earlier when Fish posted this great video of super talented actors doing funny impressions of each other, because they’re beloved and humble people, whose impromptu moments during what is surely a grueling press tour provide a little insight that they aren’t complete dicks or egomaniacs on the inside? Well here’s the exact opposite of that.

That was a completely shitty and nonsensical video of Mariah Carey that has no reason to exist or redemptive quality whatsoever other than to document her trip to a fucking gala in her honor for her charitable donations to The Fresh Air Fund. Apparently it’s not enough to just generously give to a charity behind the scenes, never publicly announcing it and I’m sure inadvertently *cough, BULLSHIT, cough* self-aggrandizing along the way. That clearly wouldn’t fill you with a sense of inner fulfillment unless maybe you sweetened that deal with an elaborate event to showcase your tits and an awful viral video attempt, because remember her great tits? But seriously, it’s all for the children. And tits and tax shelters and sham goodwill, but defintely, mostly the kids.

And speaking of gross corporate auto-fellatio, value-based marketing bullshit that Fish and I spent an hour bitching about this morning over coffee and tit photos, here’s a TV spot that’s been running as a part of Chevy‘s Everyday Heroes Come Home Campaign, which admittedly does great things for returning troops, but couldn’t possibly have done it without a massive marketing campaign designed specifically to make consumers feel like they’re making a moral choice when they clunk down forty grand for a Silverado over an F-150, because DID FORD GIVE A HOUSE TO A SOLDIER? I DIDN’T FUCKING THINK SO! NOW YOU WATCH THIS VIDEO OF ADORABLE CHILDREN REUNITING WITH THEIR PARENTS AND YOU CRY AND YOU BUY A CHEVY BECAUSE AMERICA!!!!11

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Pacific Coast News, WENN


  1. Mariah Carey Cleavage Fresh Air Fun Honoring Our American Hero Event
    Commented on this photo:

    I like chubby boobs, but she’s starting to get that arm flap thing going.

  2. Mariah Carey Cleavage Fresh Air Fun Honoring Our American Hero Event
    Commented on this photo:

    She got chubby, but I still would. I have a “best female singer of the 90s” boner with her name on it.

  3. my eyes feel…..violated.

  4. great indictment of Maria’s narcissism, PB and Fish.
    Will this bloated orange turd go away already?

  5. Crayola used to make a crayon for coloring in people’s flesh in coloring books and Mariah is exactly that color.

  6. Short Round

    Love the combination of the entertainment business and the internet. Sooner or later it always comes to the surface if you’re a bitch or douche.

  7. Mariah Carey Cleavage Fresh Air Fun Honoring Our American Hero Event
    Commented on this photo:

    What’s with the gloves? Did she just come off the set of Premium Rush 2?

  8. Mariah Carey Cleavage Fresh Air Fun Honoring Our American Hero Event
    Commented on this photo:

    Good lord almighty.

  9. I won’t be able to watch the video without becoming enraged, but I can guess that this is probably her way of trying to cash in on the good vibes that have come about via people posting photos of Hiddleston, Cumberbatch, and Keanu taking public transit.

    The difference, of course, is that they actually *are* humble people and didn’t take the photos themselves to splash all over the media to try to gain PR points.

  10. I love her tits. I don’t care how fucked up in the head she is.

  11. Slash

    Yeah, that spot makes me a little cranky. Glad to hear I’m not the only one.

    There’s a line, for decent people*, between sharing an uplifting human interest story (video: child sees parent for the first time in months, reacts joyfully, we all feel slightly better about humanity for a few minutes) and leveraging those moments (yeah, we still use that word) to sell things. If you don’t know the difference between those, you are exactly the kind of sucker we are talking to.

    * This excludes, obviously, people in advertising, like yours truly

  12. I expected some why-do-you-hate-America comments in response to that rant at the end, but I guess everyone’s over at the Charlize Theron post watching Don Zaloog get torn a new asshole. In a totally non-rapey way, of course.

  13. …all i will say is; if 20 years ago i had met & married a girl who was her genetic doppelganger, and she aged exactly like this (physically, not psychologically) …i would be a happy man today.

  14. Sacha

    The worst thing about that commercial is the tagline “for all THAT have served.”
    …Soldiers are actually people, not objects.

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