Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon’s Divorce Should Be Here Any Minute Now

August 20th, 2014 // 11 Comments
Nice Try, Mariah
Mariah Carey 1997 Oprah Photo
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Mariah Carey used to tweet lingerie photos to make people believe Nick Cannon gets to have sex with her which he absolutely does not. But those times are over now for even the freshest rose of love eventually wilts and hires spies to make sure nobody’s fucking you. Page Six reports:

When the comic hosted pool parties in Las Vegas earlier this year, the diva dispatched a security guard to keep watch over her husband.
“The security guard wasn’t there to keep the girls away from him,” said our source. “It was to keep him away from the girls.”
Carey also didn’t want Cannon drinking while at the Vegas gigs because she felt he “gets in trouble when he drinks,” the source added.

In fact, just to be safe, Mariah Carey hire two more security guards to make sure Nick Cannon doesn’t do anything that might illicit feelings of joy, happiness, and/or brief entertainment. Although, executing his Playstation gangland-style may have been a tad overkill. These videos games today are just too much fun. They practically forced her hand.

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  1. MarkHamillsCareerCoach

    I’m sorry, but I absolutely refuse to believe that a black man would ever cheat on his wife, or that a black woman might ever overreact if she found out.

  2. A sexless marriage… now he knows what it’s like to be Tom Cruise’s wife…

  3. haha, she’s SO fat and actually thinks all the photoshopped pics she releases of herself will fool people. FATTY FATTY FAT FAT.

  4. In his defense, I imagine that Nick can only have sex with circa 2014 Mariah by grabbing Mariah’s circa 2004 implants while watching circa 1998 Mariah videos and listening to the Mariah CD recorded circa 1989, all the while knowing that he’s only one decade-mixup from divorce or suicide.

  5. I don’t think they ever had sex. Artificial insemination and Nick signs a contract to pretend to be her husband for a few years.

  6. lawn

    Words cannot describe how little I care about this.

  7. Bittersweet Lenny

    Visions of Love is a great song, and the only MC song I’ve willingly listened to. Nick Cannon was good in Drumline.

    They just don’t seem to fit together, he’s a Q-Tip and she’s a jumbo sized cotton ball.

  8. Hmm

    I have a feeling he, Chris Martin and Guy Ritchie are going to be the best of friends. Happiest men on the planet.

  9. Marketing Mike

    Mariah was hot when she started out, really, really hot.
    Too bad her metabolism kicked in about 15 years ago.
    Since then she’s been up and down 50lbs, 50 times.

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