Mariah Carey Can’t Confirm What Year She Landed on This Planet, but We Know It Was Today

If you thought you were good at wasting your time doing dumb shit, know that there is an entire community on the internet that has spent the last two decades arguing over whether or not Mariah Carey was born in 1969 or 1970… If Mariah Carey turning 47 or 48 today makes ANY difference to you, you should consider running for office. You’ll fit right in with a bunch of other people that have ass-backwards priorities.

When Mariah told them she was celebrating the “anniversary of her 12 birthday” again, Yahoo News got pissed and did some digging through back issues of People to find this piece of earth-shattering information, finally putting the debate to rest:

We have a copy of Ms. Carey’s driver’s license, which lists her birthday as March 27, 1969. Furthermore, we spoke with the administrators at the high school she attended who confirmed that Ms. Carey’s birthday is March 27, 1969, as did her management when we made our initial interview.

I’ll give you a minute to collect the remnants of your splattered brain after that mind-buster… Honestly, I could care less if Mariah wants to stay “age-fluid” as she enters the twilight of her life. Hell, Dolly Parton was born in the cretaceous period and she’s still flaunting cannonball cleavage. So happy birthday, Mariah Carey- don’t let your age get you down! You’ve given me a reason to get blackout drunk and try to emulate your dog-whistle registry tonight at my neighborhood TGI Friday’s.

BONUS: Here is a gallery of her showing the outer rim of her deep-space nip and hanging out with leprechauns on St. Patrick’s day.

Tags: Mariah Carey