Mariah Carey’s Boyfriend Is Earning His Allowance

I went down a little YouTube k-hole to investigate Mariah Carey’s boyfriend’s personality. For as much shit as I love to give him, I guess I never really felt the need to actually investigate the man carrying Mariah around everywhere like Jabba the Hutt. Turns out Bryan Tanaka, Mariah’s background dancer-turned-boyfriend, is one of the weirdest dudes I’ve ever seen on camera.

For starters, he fronts as a Mariah superfan who casually drops words like “magical” and “like honey” to describe his passion for performing with Mimi. He also has no reservations reminding everyone that he is only waiting on Mariah hand and foot to further his choreography career in the way he sadly looks into the camera with his dead eyes.

As if their short breakup earlier this year wasn’t enough of an indication that this guy is pulling a full Anna-Nicole on Mariah Carey, the pictures above should once again prove that he’s really just around to make sure she doesn’t fall over and show the world her vagina.

Who am I to criticize this relationship, though? Once news breaks that Mimi plans to leave most of her estate to Tanaka instead of her two kids it’ll be a gossip goldmine!