Madonna puts the moves on Lindsay Lohan

June 15th, 2006 // 71 Comments

After dumping Britney Spears as a friend, Madonna has supposedly turned her attention to Lindsay Lohan after finding out she’s been looking into Kabbalah. In Touch Weekly reports that Madonna has been talking to her multiple times a week and wants to sing a duet with her.


  1. tito

    Child molestors.

  2. Ha. First. What?!

  3. Italian Stallion

    What’s the “Holy Land” to Lohan, Columbia?

  4. Jedi Kevin

    Again with the stupid bug-eye sun glasses.

    Remember the larger the sunglasses, the lower the IQ behind them. And the more hungover.

  5. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Madonna is like that evil with that lives in the woods who tries to lure teen stars into her gingerbread house with her Kaballah, but instead of gingerbread the house is made of quaaludes and botox.

  6. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    witch, god dammit
    you knew I meant witch

  7. jrzmommy

    How’s Madge gonna explain kissing THIS “baby pop star” to Lourdes?

  8. She has a daughter. Why doesn’t she use her if she’s so desperate to guide young women into “spiritual journeys” and “Holy Land” and whatnot? That would be so much smarter and generally acceptable.

    Oh yeah, probably because then Lourdes would be blowing *her* money on all the Kabbalah crap.

  9. Madonna should find some friends her own age…

  10. jane's eyre

    This is really creepy. It seems to be awfully cult-like behavior. There must be some sort of Kaballah spy network, where at first wind of someone possibly being interested in their cult, someone swoops in to be their new “friend”. CREEE-PEEEEE

  11. N. Visible Man Jr.

    Usually when I think of blow in connection with Hohan it either has to do with:

    1. The coke going up her nose

    2. “Several foreign men”

    She might as well spend her money $13K balls of red yarn.

  12. PapaHotNuts

    I wish Chevy Chase would take that red fucking string and tie one to Madonna’s neck and the other end to the bumber of his station wagon.

  13. oshkoshb-goshdammgosh

    Madonna just wants to drink her blood. Look what it did to Britney.

  14. Jacq

    I guess Madge loves a firecrotch!! Geez, does EVERYONE want to screw Lindsay?! Madonna is about to fall into the Tom Cruise “look at me! I’m sooo in touch with the youth of America!” trap.

    Anyone see the Brit interview snippet on TMZ? She looks like Shitney! You have money – get your damn nails done, spit out the gum, de-fry your hair, and lay off of the Wet-n-Wild frosted eye shadow for God’s sake. Or is that for SP’s sake. She should practice her crying face too, the one she sports is uuuuuuugly. Whatever.

  15. Chicagoboy

    I can see how this is going to end. . . LiLo is going to turn to Kaballah, make out with Madge in public, and then get fat and pregnant. Just like Brittany.

  16. I’m with Jacq on this one. I think Madge is back on the lezzie bandwagon (maybe the reason behind her marital problems) and is using Kabbalah as an excuse to get some young, impressionable quim. And what, exactly, is the allure of Kabbalah? It’s ancient Jewish mysticism, which translates as witchcraft on the cheap. I like how Madmomma criticises Christianity for intolerance, yet apparently has no problem shutting Britney out for not sharing her views. A thousand years from now, Madge will be venerated not as a pop star, but as a patron saint and goddess figure of Kabbalists everywhere. Effigies of her in dominatrix gear impaling herself upon large penises while buried facedeep in snatch will adorn Kabbalah alters everywhere. The sad thing is, she only got into it because she mistook Kabbalah for Bukkake.

  17. spanglish

    I’m a little scared for Lindsey. You saw what happened to Britney after kissing Madonna. It was somekind of voodoo-Kabala kiss that curses whoever receives it. I don’t think Lindsey is on par with Britney as far as performing goes (notice, I didn’t say “singing.”) Madonna could really do better. Jessica Simpson could probably be easily brainwashed.

  18. BarbadoSlim


  19. N. Visible Man Jr.

    The prince of pop once lured me onto his neverland ranch. I woke up the next mornning next to Bubbles. I was so relieved I didn’t see Diana Ross’ face next to mine I almost asked the darn chimp to marry me. I did make him sign a confidentialtly agreement thought, so he couldn’t sell the pictures.

  20. RichPort

    Anyone can seduce this moron with some blow and a tongue depresser… it takes some one who really cares to add the yarn to the mix.

  21. bigponie

    I remember an episode on “speed racer” when he had to race “Kabbalah”, they had to wear stupid looking mask while racing through caves.

  22. N. Visible Man Jr.

    Didn’t Wilmer Valderrama take Hohan on a tour of the hole-y land already. I thought he said he took her around the world?

    “This my dahling is Youranus just below Verginia.”

  23. N. Visible Man Jr.

    @18 Yes if that doesn’t end the Hohan’s fifteen minutes of fame I don’t know what will

  24. BarbadoSlim

    I sure hope, for the sake of any innocent bystanders that this too stank ho’s meet in place where ther’s good ventilation or emergency high pressure air-fresheners, Madonna stinks, literally, and as for Lindsay, well, let’s just say she’s not so fresh these days.

  25. IFuckingHateYou

    Madonna keeps searching for a replacement cock, but I don’t think she’ll ever find one as big as Rosie O’Donnell’s – that bull-dyke has the biggest penis that Madge ever had and she misses it.
    Hohan, if Modonna wnats to call you Rosie, have you strap on one of those sumo wrestling suits and a 16″ strap-on dildo, run for your life, no matter how much coke she offers.

  26. N. Visible Man Jr.

    4 holes – $19.95
    2 hoes – $99.99
    1 ruined career-Priceless

    Somethings money can’t buy for everything else there’s Madonnamatrix

  27. N. Visible Man Jr.

    I heard Madonna was looking for a virgin to sacrifice, but looks like she got to Hohan a little too late and a few inches too short.

  28. IFuckingHateYou

    I say we send all these idiots (Hohan, Britney, Paris, Jessica, Madonna, Tom Cruise, etc.) an invite to a fake awards show telling them we’re going t “honor them for being such wonderful, intelligent people”, then we just gas them all.
    Who’s in? we can set it up for LameBanana’s basement and take the fruit out too.

  29. Haroof

    I’d love to dirty up those freckles.

  30. Nikk The Templar

    Awww. Madge is passing the torch.

    “Now you are the Chosen Slut, young Lohan! May The Controversy be with you!”

  31. BarbadoSlim

    @30 What torch? Madonna is a nobody, a sad anachronism, a quaint curiosity, a used maxipad, a snotty kleenex, that towel that you used to wipe the cum off last night’s Haitian prostitute that you thought was looking good in your drunken ride thru town in that rented PT Cruiser but then you got picked by the cops with two bags of black tar heroine and is gonna be featured on next week’s epidode of COPS and you wife doesn’t know about it ’cause you told her you were on a business trip…but, I digress, Madonna is a nobody.

  32. N. Visible Man Jr.

    @29 The set on her face or the ones on her ass?

  33. It’s like MAdonna is the nerd at school trying to convince all the “Cool Kids” that joining the chess club would be really great! Man she is pathetic.

  34. Doxes

    Give it up, Madonna. You haven’t been relevant in *years*. Your chosen role of Creepy Kabbalah Svengali to Young Stars isn’t going to restore your former glory.

    Plus, you’ve got a bad case of man hands.

  35. SpazzCat71

    @31 OMG Slim that’s the best laugh I’ve had all day!

  36. Icognito79

    Why doesn’t someone teach Madonna about Kaballah?

    1. You have to be 50 to study it
    2. You have to be male to study it
    3. You have to be Jewish to study it

    What exactly IS she practicing?

  37. 86

    Madonna is sad and needy.

  38. If Madonna still lived in Jersey, she would probably be pushing Amway or Melalucca. She’s trying to satify a strange need to “convert”. Comments?

  39. N. Visible Man Jr.

    @38 I think she’s pushing her intellectual capability when she “converts” food into shit. But she does know a spotlight when she sees one.

  40. Nikk The Templar


    The torch of sad “controversial” female.

    Did you see the comment after the torch one?

    And the proper word for Madonna is ‘bloodclaat’.

    Say it with me. Bloodclaat.

  41. kandyk0119

    Do they still make qualludes? That only something my parents talked about and I’m 30

  42. kandyk0119

    First she starts w/ kabbalah then she lures them over to the UK, so they can speak with an “Oh so authentic” British accent and curse America like we didn’t freakin finance their whole damn career. Then we get made fun of for living “below their means”! Talk about “Bite the hand that feeds you” FUCKERS!

  43. Italian Stallion

    Why does she keep trying to get other celeb’s to study sausage?
    When they called her “The Keilbasa Queen” I thought they were talking about her love of the cock, not her religion………….

  44. okiedoke

    Who cares? Somebody just get this girl to a manicurist.

  45. N. Visible Man Jr.

    It’s just a plot so Madonna can get hold of the Firecrotch just to make more yarn. They’ll keep her in a cell and shave her head and bush twice a month. Then they’ll make her sit in her cell and make red yarn all day.

    It’s diabolical.

  46. Fisher55

    esther & lilo sittin in a tree, K-A-B-B-A-L-A-H-K-R-O-T-C-H

  47. jFp

    I’m scared to think what MADonna uses for a jesus-juice.

  48. jFp

    I think MADonna is in a panic cause her cooch is drying up. So she compensates with some ancient jewish-juju.

  49. bluecanary

    Madonna is like a creepy pedophile, desperately trying to suck out these girls’ life force. and “doing a movie with Lindsey Lohan”? LL will only agree to this if she wants to send her entire career into a tailspin. Madonna + movies are like oil and water. Her track record is a train wreck.

    i could list all the way she creeps me out, but it would probably cause a server meltdown. Too bad her horse accident wasn’t on a Chris Reeve scale.

  50. whoinvitedthefatchick

    What happens when you cross a firecrotch, a lesbian pedophile and a religion that sounds like an Al-Qaeda terrorist? Well i’m not quite sure but it must be scarier than sleeping in bed with Michael Jackson.

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