Madonna has some magic water

August 22nd, 2006 // 61 Comments

Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie have reportedly been lobbying the British government and nuclear inudstry to “clean up radioactive waste with a supposedly magic Kabbalah fluid,” says London’s Sunday TImes.

“It was like a crank call . . . the scientific mechanisms and principles were just bollocks, basically,” one official told the Times. “She relentlessly pursued people,” according to a former civil servant. “She wanted to get this Russian scientist to explain this to civil servants.”

“I can write the greatest songs and make the most fabulous films and be a fashion icon and conquer the world, but if there isn’t a world to conquer, what’s the point?” Madonna said, according to the paper. “I’ve just come to a place in my life where I’m trying to really see what the big picture is and where my energy is better spent, and that’s one area I’m really concerned about.” Madonna’s rep dismissed the story as old news, saying that the singer’s efforts occurred a few years back. “Better to talk about her current obsession – building an orphanage in [the AIDS ravaged African nation of] Malawi,” she noted, “kind of adopting an entire country.”

Conquer the world? Madonna is like some hyperactive six year old that still believes in the Tooth Fairy. One day she’s trying to sell magic water and the next she trying to adopt Africa. Pretty soon she’ll try to buy a unicorn so she can ride it to the North Pole and ask Santa for a shiny new rainbow.


  1. BEAM

    That Madonna, what a great person she is. She is so much better than the rest of us.

  2. She’s going for the title of crazier than Tom Cruise.

  3. Solaera

    Ugh. Madonna makes me want to hurl.

  4. If we can’t trust Madonna, who can we trust (so-called “scientists”?)?

  5. caboose

    I’d still hit it like there was no tommorrow.

  6. she’ s not so much building an orphanage in Malawi, Africa, as she is actually just parking her cavernous steal vagina there…don’t worry, there’s MORE than enough room for all the orphans…plus, the kids will be able to make a nice chunk of change scavengering and selling the odds and ends they find in there…it’s a win win…

  7. DancingQueen

    She needs to just retire and fade into oblivion like the rest of the has-beens. Hey Madonna, go count your fucking money and leave the world alone! Shockingly, we don’t give a shit what you think! Go get some more botox and try to pretend your still relevant you old twat.

  8. hav-a-tampa

    hu.wha? who’s maddona?

  9. Is Kabbalah Europe’s Scientology?

  10. tits_on_snack

    “the greatest songs”… “the most fabulous films”

  11. spatz

    “One day she’s trying to sell magic water and the next she trying to adopt Africa. Pretty soon she’ll try to buy a unicorn so she can ride it to the North Pole and ask Santa for a shiny new rainbow.”

    youve pretty much summed up all of hollywood right there superfish guy. they all live in magical lala land and madonna is their queen

  12. dstroyer

    magic Kabbalah fluid = bong water

  13. TaiTai

    Don’t believe her, if she had magic water she would use it to wash that greasy hair every once in a while. I had magic water once. It’s great for your complexion. At least that’s what HE told me.

  14. guymorgan



  15. nc72

    She needs to use some of that magic water on her wrinkly hands.

  16. jrzmommy

    *sniff *sniff… I smell out of control ego…Is Madonna here?


  17. jrzmommy


  18. krisdylee

    I sure would like to kick her in the twat.

  19. RichPort

    They need to run a contest gets to actually nail her to a cross. Onstage. On pay-per-view. Tied to it with red kaballah strings.

  20. al rarow

    I’m looking for a word here that rhymes with bunt, stunt, runt and punt.

  21. MortalityTechnician

    #22 – Oooo oooo I know! *jumps up and down* is it “hunt?” It’s hunt right? I knew it. See I’m smart….just like Paris…can I have my gold star now?

  22. ImSuicidal

    #19- Perfectly worded.

    I hope Santa has 2 rainbows,
    acuz I was gonna ask for one also!

  23. jrzmommy


  24. joslibrarian

    “the greatest films” was she referring to “Who’s That Girl”?

  25. I don’t know, the Material Girl has made some major accomplishments by being egocentric in her life… maybe she can achieve more noble pursuits as well. I figure considering our own politicians are doing everything to sabotage the environment why not embrace anyone who is trying to save it… even if unicorns are involved. I mean unicorns are pretty cool, I had one as a pet for seven years and I have no regrets!

  26. BarbadoSlim

    I’m wondering how come she hasn’t reached the point in her life where she shuts her fucking piehole.

  27. Verbal Osmosis

    Perhaps Madonna should conquer the art of common f*cking sense before she goes rambling on about her stupid magical “religion.” Xenu > Kabbalah.

  28. Rimmer

    Doesn’t magic water come from Lourdes? eeeuw

  29. 86

    I wish she would stop.

  30. Spunkbubble on J. Alba's chest

    Why does she sound strikingly like Pinky and the Brain? Guy Ritchie is definately Pinky. Anyone who would marry Madonna has to be retarded.

  31. bigponie

    “magic Kabbalah fluid”. sounds like a terrorist plot and hezbollah is using her as they’re puppet.

  32. Madonna is precisely why I loathe fags. Not because of their rescinding of their masculinity. Not on any immoral or religious grounds. Not because most of them think themselves superior to the rest of we “breeders”. But because of their shitty taste in music (no pun intended). Thanks to the queers, Liza, Barbra, Celine and Madonna all have careers well past their prime. If turdburglars woke up one morning, popped the cocks out of their mouths and the shit out of their ears, and let these withered crones die a forgotten death the better we’d all be. But no, we will have to put up with Bab’s political rants and Madonna’s gross biceps because a bunch of homos persist in shelling out $1,000.00 a concert and buying every queef these hags commit to audio.

  33. 86

    2 words: bored housewife. She should just get a 19-year-old lover and leave us the hell alone.

  34. jane's eyre


    “Pinky, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

    “I think so Brain, but burlap chafes me so.”

  35. ImSuicidal

    34- UNWASHED, you forgot Cher!

    How could you forget Cher!!!

    Baliff, whack Mr MASSES’s penis.

  36. Do Freebird

    Very strange. The title of the post has Madonna’s name, but the picture is of some dryed out, hunched back, wrinkled old has been hag with the mouth the size of a large mouthed bass.

    Very stange indeed

  37. ChickenScratch

    Madonna Sucks, always has, always will!

  38. Eye-Dish Lass

    ROCCO: Lourdes?
    LOURDES: Yes Rocco?
    ROCCO: Remember when Mummy staged her Electronic Crucifixion and allowed us no sweets, telly, magazines or Nintendo? LOURDES: Stop it Rocco! I don’t flippin’ care that Mummy left all her quid to the Kaballah Gods. Squatting is lovely! Now pass me the bleetin’ Bong!

  39. biatcho

    doesn’t she have more important shit to lobby for, like ridding the world of all the fatal crotch diseases she spread in the 80s & 90s?

  40. chubbs

    ello lovie, this is madonna, i can speak fluently with a London accent, and if you let me live in France, oh boy VIVA LA France!!

    EEEEGAAADDDDS THOSE HANDS!!!! They look like my grandmothers hands..

  41. HughJorganthethird

    So when excatly does she plan on writting these “great” songs or acting in these “fabulous” films? Just wondering….

    Hurry up and die allready you dried up old prune.

  42. BarbadoSlim

    Fucking A! #40 this hypocritical ‘roided up cunt went out of her way to subvert the youth of the world and now she’s all supermom and shit.

    Fuck her, fuck her limmey boyfriend and fuck the queen they should all be run over by a gigantic conical tit.

  43. herbiefrog

    #44 well said :)

    it’s not as if she isn’t
    feeling the need to do
    something with her

    gosh this is taking a long time…

    the meaning of life etc.

    what was the question again ?

  44. Maybe we can make a deal where she can use her magic water, solely on the condition that she stops wearing unitards. Dried up old cunt.

  45. andrewthezeppo

    I love Madonna, all the lesser crazies bow before the holy mother of all crazy people.

  46. LL

    “21. Posted by RichPort on August 22, 2006 8:30 AM
    They need to run a contest gets to actually nail her to a cross. Onstage. On pay-per-view. Tied to it with red kaballah strings.”

    Hilarious. And this:

    “28. Posted by BarbadoSlim on August 22, 2006 9:32 AM
    I’m wondering how come she hasn’t reached the point in her life where she shuts her fucking piehole.”

    I’m still chortling.

    Why are rich, famous people always so effin crazy? Is that how they get rich and famous, or does the money and fame do that to them? Or is it fame, money and religion? Is that the fatal combination? I think we should have a mechanism in place that will immediately rescind fame and money when the rich famous person starts yapping about religion. It’s one thing to think you’re better than all of us because you’re rich and famous, because that only makes sense, but when you start boring the shit ouf of us by going on and on about your dumb-ass religious beliefs, I think we should get to confiscate your fame and all your money and give it to people who really need it. Call it a religious nutjob tax. By rights, Madonnna, Britney, Tom and Kirk Cameron should be flat broke, living in a refrigerator box behind a movie theater or something. Now THAT would be a great reality show.

  47. musashi42

    I’m confused; I thought Paris Hilton was the best singer-now this “Madonna” person says that she writes the greatest songs and makes fabulous movies…
    This “Madonna” person might be the next, new big thing; I remember a LONG time ago there was another singer who used the same name, but she must be like in her 70′s by now…

  48. beifiori

    madonna needs to take her hooker hair, trailer trash face, altered body and her granny hands and go masterbate with that kabbalah waterbottle with the red yarn tying her pucker shut so we don’t have to hear her and her lofty ideas anymore…and to answer someone’s question about the sanity of the stars…drugs, man, drugs, they do so much coke it has pickled all ability to reason, which is why the gays love em, because they come up with this crazy shit to entertain them.

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