UPDATE: Madonna & Guy Ritchie divorcing (For real this time)

October 15th, 2008 // 35 Comments

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are officially ending their marriage. They’ve prepared a public announcement and plan on having the divorce finalized before Christmas, according to The Sun:

The couple are going public with their split because they “can’t bear to live with the pretense any longer”.
They have had a string of shouting matches about the amount of time each devotes to their careers, and over Madonna’s desire to adopt another child. These arguments smashed through their attempts at reconciliation “like a sledgehammer”.
Pals say Madge, 50, initially wanted to wait until next year to announce their separation — after her Sticky and Sweet global tour is finished. But now she and Brit movie director Guy, 40, want a divorce finalized before Christmas — which would have seen the eighth anniversary of their fairytale wedding in a Scottish castle.

I don’t get why Madonna is so concerned about a divorce affecting ticket sales for her tour. I doubt people are going: “She’s not married anymore? Fuck this; I’m going to see Fergie.” C’mon. Madonna fans will be there no matter what. Otherwise, she’ll haunt their dreams with her devil arms per the Official Fan Club Charter. Never sign anything in blood, kids. On that note, I need to find a witch doctor to get me out of my cell phone contract.

UPDATE: It’s official. Madonna’s rep just issued a statement to the AP.

Photo: WENN

  1. Sport

    She is gross I feel for the Guy.

  2. funny shit

    You are so ON today fish. Funny, funny comentary Man!

  3. havoc

    I’d cut this cryptkeeper lose so fast it would make her head spin. Keep your money,the little African kid and go fuck the baseball player. I’m outta here.

    Life’s too short to wake up next to that every day…..


  4. Tony P.

    What is going on with the couple behind her head — are they going at it? The girl appears to be in the throes of passion. They’re probably naked from the waist down and Madonna had to go and ruin it by jumping into the shot.

  5. literarycritic

    Wow, #5, way to read too much into two people talking.

  6. Guy Ritchie looks like, “Please, somebody save me. She’s going to eat my soul”.

    He spends time on those movies? Doing what? Crapping on them?

  7. supersex



  8. me

    He’s not any better for God’s sake….the man looks like rat. What better pair is there? A rat and a skeleton, yummo!!

  9. I’ll bet he weeps when they make love.

  10. It wouldn’t effect ticket sales you douchebag, she’d be so emotionally distraught that her beautiful singing voice wouldn’t be up to the heavenly Madonna standards her fans deserve. Oh yes, I said heavenly. Now douche my mouth with your bag, douchebag.

  11. this is perfect! now marc anthony can dump that fat ass and mate with madonna and ensure world domination with their skeletor kids!

  12. mooman

    I’m surprised that this didn’t happen a long, long time ago. Madonna’s entire career is based on her ability to pounce on a hot cultural trend just slightly before the public at large realizes that it’s hot. This ability has a bit of a half-life though, as it’s in the nature of human beings to get old and lose the ability to discern what is hip with the kids and what isn’t. To circumnavigate this problem, Madonna made use of the remaining vestiges of her cultural prognostication to attach herself to a hot director, thereby initiating an attempt to rid herself of the fickle and amorphous musical world forever, but maintain her celebrity status and cash intake through acting in her hot-new-director husband’s movies. The problem is that Guy Ritchie is a REALLY crappy director. At best, he’s the poor man’s Tarrentino, (who I’m sure Madonna would’ve have latched onto instantly if not for his unfortunate looks and irritating personality) but Madonna really had no way of knowing that, because she has over the years capitulated to her other, true nature: purely parasitic organism who is incapable of manifesting any real emotional response to people or art, and also, I suspect, plagued by the same numbness of the soul which haunts most pornstars, leaving them bereft of the ability to feel physical pleasure or pain. With Guy Riche’s film career becoming rapidly flaccid, due mostly to his lack of true talent and her ham-fisted presence in his passionless remake of Swept Away, her own relevance waning quickly, Madonna must have realized that the time was now to be rid of him and to attempt one last hurrah in the musical field before she will inevitably retire into a hermetic and esoteric lifestyle in which she embraces madness, much in the same way all true products of gargantuan American celebrity do.

    Examine the picture above. Look into Riche’s eyes. Even at a slight glance you will see a man who has been truly and finally subjugated. You see the same condition in the eyes of broken horses, sex slaves, and child actors. A desperate fear. A palpable and vulnerable yearning for genuine human contact. A feverish unconscious attempt at telepathy which reaches somehow beyond the physical plane. Finally… you see a human person.

    Look at Madonna. Look at the serpentine geometric acuteness of her visage and attempt to find something human in it.

    Drink this day to a man who has freed himself from bondage and remained himself.

  13. PunkA

    What took Guy Ritchie so long to drop Madonna? She is just nasty-ass nasty. Sucks for the kids, but c’mon, it’s Madonna. Not like they have a real mom anyway. Plus, her body is flat out gross and her face is turning into that of the Joker, when Jack Nicholson did that role.

  14. This is even less interesting than the midget using the F word. Big fucking deal on both of them..

  15. mamadough

    agreed #4, she was just waiting for that other shoe to drop with a-rod finalizing his divorce first.

    maybe, if we are lucky, she’ll use a small plane to take her around on her tours and it’ll crash and she’ll burn alive. it’ll probably sound like a 1000 hell hounds being released and they will never find her body. fucking witchcraft.

  16. me

    This site is so weird today it’s making me want to actually WORK instead of play around. That’s just fucked up. Way not cool!

  17. Imagine how happy Sharon Osborne must be at this news and
    the fact that Madge’s face is now more hideous and alien looking
    than hers. Just goes to show you can’t make a silk purse out of
    a sow’s ear.

  18. Dirty Hairy

    Will Sarah Palin be invited to Madonna’s divorce proceedings?

  19. jim

    They are so happy..
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  20. bootlips

    I bet he won’t fight for the neeger.

  21. @22 You are a weird-o.

  22. @14 That was beautiful. However, I always thought she she was slightly behind trends, and the media just hyped a lie. It seemed like whatever smutty gimmick she used had been on Geraldo Rivera or somewhere else for years before she used it.

  23. bosendorfer

    further evidence that the world of “publicity” and “PR” is just a load of horseshit.

  24. jesus

    getting a divorce? i guess he finally saw her naked.

  25. Karen

    ewww, Madonna is sooo nasty!!! I think she’s morphing into an Alien??

  26. tc

    Guy is now either going to have to find another corpsebody to empty his balls into, or he’ll have to give up necrophillia altogether.

  27. Jonathan

    good. his movies haven’t been as good since he got married, and I blame her.

  28. Uh huh...

    I can’t say I blame her.

  29. Courtney

    I’m sorry, but Madonna was the first singer I ever liked when I was a little kid, and when I look at her I can still see that pop star that I was obsessed with then. I guess I always hope she’ll end up happy someday. Oh, God, I sound like one of those fans the Superficial writer is talking about, don’t I? Maybe I am… :(.

  30. GRANDMA wants a tough guy behind the wheelchair, folks!!

  31. Seashell.281

    To the Superficial writer. I loved the comment on needing a witch doctor to get out of your cellphone contract. Thanks for the laugh, that was quite funny.

  32. To the Superficial writer needing a witchdoctor: there are a number of sites that allow you to transfer your contract to someone else (it costs about $15 to $20 to sign up for the service) – I would have listed the sites here but when I attempted to do this, my comment was rejected for being “inappropriate or promotional.”

    …or do what I did and post an ad on http://www.craigslist.org for free. I avoided my $175 contract termination fee by offering to pay someone $50 to take over my contract. If you want to keep your current phone number, arrange that with your carrier before the transfer to avoid any potential complications (my carrier didn’t allow me to keep my number).

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