Madonna finds a new man (Wait, he’s not Latino!)

January 11th, 2009 // 70 Comments

A surprisingly decent looking Madonna went on a date last night with an unidentified mystery man, and this guy doesn’t even look like he’s alive. Oh, she touched him with the death hands; He’s not. Wow. Nothing like starting your night thinking you’ll be banging a dolled-up Madonna only to be fed to giant scarabs in her basement instead. But then again, who wouldn’t prefer that outcome? A-Rod, sit down.

Photos: Splash News

  1. Mr. Knievel

    Well he’s obviously a zombie slave of the Mummy Queen. When is Brendan Frasier going to show up and wise crack her to death.

  2. Her face actually doesn’t look that bad in these. But check the petrified hands…ick.

  3. klance

    You can shoot your face full of botulism but the hands tell the true story.

  4. mike hawk

    Are you sure that is Madonna? It could be a really good mask.

  5. dew

    I agree her face looks fairly decent. But even with pancake makeup, her hands still look gnarly. She should wear those frilly-lacy sleeves that extend beyond the wrist, or fingerless gloves in the winter.

  6. SucreKID

    I guess after all those sports players (i.e. A-Rod and that soccer player) she got Athlete’s CUNT and is turned off of sports

  7. fuckstocker

    Unidentified mystery guy

    Your fuckstock os assprone, nutcocker.

  8. SucreKID

    … permanently

  9. Styxchix

    I’m with #2 and 3 – check out the hands! The stuff children’s nightmares are made of. This doesn’t even look like Madonna to me, the face is so smooth as to be unrecognisable. Terrible photo of the guy with her, unless that’s him visibly recoiling from the aforementioned claws.

  10. joanna

    Wow, i remember the time when this site wasnt updated on the weekends… So i assume that you dont have a life whatsoever now, Fish? Im kinda sorry, but its more fun for the readers. Theyre the only ones you have, dont you;(

  11. you

    Dude looks like he has a steel bar shoved up his ass all the way to his head.

    God, I hate this bitch so much.

  12. Andrewon

    This guy looks like Glass Joe from Mike Tyson’s Punchout

  13. Bernie Madoff

    Those are some veiny bony hands. Mine? Never sweat a calories being part of the banking cartel until now. Aww don’t worry guys, I’ll be alright heh heh
    ha ha ha ho hee ho ho hee hee Muah ah ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaa
    (stupid cattle)

  14. Guest

    at least she looks. . . somewhat okay-ish.
    I hate madonna with a passion,
    && that red lipstick does nothing for her.
    BUT, at least she covered up her
    zombie arms.

  15. Pathetic Worm

    Let’s have a little sympathy for the rod-up-his-ass dude. Madge just ripped his balls off and ate them in front of him.

  16. Chris

    Isn’t that Steven Klein?

    • cynthia k

      one of madonnas mystery men is supposedly a 40 yr old wealthy (viagra) spammer George Merwin of Florida.He has been seen in N.Y. , Miami and even London at exact same times as her.Its been very hard digging up a pic of him.a few club owners gave up his name after some digging.well see if we can grab a photo.The question is how many mystery men are there?

  17. Pat

    Her boytoy looks like a Zombie, but I think he might have actually hiptonized her into eating some food. She looks really good for an old broad.

  18. Amy

    He’s a photographer that she has worked with before.

  19. Eva

    It’s good to see her looking presentable. The images of her at concerts wearing fishnets freaked me out every single time.

  20. Mr Sticky

    The guy looks like the male model for The Simpsons character, Sideshow Bob, and others.

  21. Mr Sticky

    The guy looks like the male model for The Simpsons character, Sideshow Bob, and others.

  22. Liz

    White guys suck in bed, sad but true.

  23. Jessica S

    That’s Jessica Seinfeld in the backseat of the car with her. THose two are friends? I can’t even imagine what they would talk about.

  24. Waaaaaa

    Nice overly-obvious cheekbone implants…

  25. AnnaDraconida

    Can you spell BOTOX?

    She’s still the Queen Of Pop, though.

  26. Harry

    If you’re a nobody, and Madonna wants to date you, do you say yes just for the thrill of doing Madonna? Or is the decaying mummy look just too much?

    I’d hit it. Madonna’s no spring chicken, but she’s not Estelle Getty yet, either.

  27. she does look REALLY good!!

  28. 12=32

    Wow…she looks 10 years younger…no kiddin.
    What’s with this dude, though? He is not only ugly but just plain akward…i guess nothing is impossible in this life, huh?

    I think Madonna should have stayed with Guy, i doubt she’ll find someone better. Seriously.

  29. mspence

    Is it just me or does this guy look like a Thunderbird or something our of Team America?
    America, fuck yeah!

  30. isitin

    Liz #22, your a dumb cunt!!!!!!!!!!!

  31. Narcissist

    She looks pretty nice here covered up.

  32. Maggie From Buffalo

    Skeletor Barbie at it again…

  33. Mal

    She looks good. Creepy hands. I think she’s a vampire and just drank some of his youth tbh.

    p.s. Superficial writer? marry me.

  34. Rosie Eats Taco

    Those hands are made daily out of fresh veiny penises or is it penii I always forget.

  35. Fati

    no matter what she does she’ll always be a diva. and that’s just a fact. sorry, haters.

    to #22 – have you ever thought that it might be YOU who sucks in bed, and not the guys?

  36. Spiraticus

    Dang, how many bottles of botox did the old hag use?

  37. A Guy

    She looks surprisingly non-scary with most of her skeleton covered. It would be nice to think she’d take the hint: “You mean bones need to have something on them? And not every joint, ligament and nerve fiber should be seen through the skin? What a novel idea — I must consult with my embalmer at once!”

    The hands aren’t that much of a problem — not the worst of it by half.

    Maybe the guy is some Egyptologist she hired to do some restoration work, and he decided to start with the face. Keep up the good work, dude! He does look kind of shell-shocked, though — maybe that’s just from seeing how much more work he has yet to do. Or maybe it’s the miles of blowing sand he had to walk through to get to her pyramid. Either theory fits, since he does seem to have kind of an Indiana Jones thing going on.

    If he is completely successful in achieving a life-like appearance for Madonna, perhaps he and several dozen of his colleagues could tackle the Nightmare on Versace Street.

  38. Peaches

    He’s gay. No straight man would EVER wear that jacket. Eeeeewwwwwww!!!!!!!

  39. addled

    ugh, the hands!

  40. Bob Dylan

    yeah… that “unidentified man” is Steven klein.

  41. This is a gwen stefani lookalike in a very, VERY cheap version, folks?

  42. I really like that Madonna has gone lighter with her hair, it suits her much more than the previous shade of blond she had

  43. jicy

    she looks great, for her age, wow. her hands are veiny because shes very active, and i have to admit, she has a better body than me and i’m only 20. haha. oh…

  44. alexis

    is madonna dating andy dick? all he needs is the glasses!

  45. pablo

    That’s Steven Klein……

    It’s quite obvious you have no idea of who he is, but it’s a very good photographer that has worked with her during many years, and he is really good at hit work…

    Chances of madonna dating him = 0

  46. rekk

    Confirmed. I just looked at Klein’s site – all bondage-inspired and homoerotic, virtually nothing hinting at heterosexual sensuality. And I don’t know about you guys, but I find nothing erotic about rape, execution or self cutting, which his pictures are redolent of.
    Any comments on that? Hardcore SM, sexy or scary?

  47. Roxana

    She is 50. What did you expect? To have hands like 17. She work’s out, then she has to many muscles, he dosen’t have hands like babies. When will people be satisfied?

  48. Ananana

    #33 betch, back off! he’s mine!

    just kidding, i’ll share.

    madonna’s dating a robot.

  49. At 50ish Madonna still looks great, thats the result of constant visit to the doctor I presume.

  50. That guy now knows exactly what it feels like to don an oversized leather condom.

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