Madonna Kissed Drake, He Seemed To Really Like It

“I’mma drain you and refill my elf shot.”
“Bitch, what? AHHHHHH!” (Shadow of Mordor joke. That just happened.)

In case you haven’t seen it plastered everywhere by now, Madonna kissed Drake while the two performed at Coachella last night, and he reacted just like all of us react when our grandmother kisses us right on the mouth with way too much tongue. The cookies were good, but not that good. Anyway, what you haven’t seen is Drake’s first post-kiss interview because nobody has it, and we just made this one up. Journalism!

Walk us through the kiss, Drake. How did it happen?

Ash. The taste of ash filled my mouth. Smoke filled my nostrils and through it I saw into the eyes of long-forgotten souls praying for release. Oh, God, the children. The children they were so young…

Fascinating. And what do you make of the Internet’s reaction? Madonna’s been trending on Twitter all morning. Pretty baller dope twerk, right?

Her tongue became a serpent, slithering into my mind and showing me horrors no man should ever see. Her life has been long. So, so long. What you saw was a second, but in the spirit realm, I was trapped for a thousand years. I led a revolt against her army, but it wasn’t enough. My wife, my children, all dead in the carnage.

Damn, son. I think that bitch made you catch feelings.

Her eyes were the worst part. Those damnable eyes. All-seeing and all-knowing. The minute she forced me to look into them, my soul untethered. It was hers for the taking, and take it she did. I’m but a hollow husk for her to command. Klik-Täk Whelp Snatcher I became from now until eternity. My blade to be always dripping with the blood of babes lest my Master’s wrath be unleashed.

Aw shit, nigga. That’s tight.

Wait, did you just say “nigga?” Dude, I’m not cool with that. C’mon.

Sorry, Drake, sorry. I’ll be good.

Don’t be doing that shit again. Now where was I? Oh, right. Her breath was like a tomb. A tomb choking the life out of all that it touched…

h/t BlackManUSA

Photos: Getty