Madonna Threatens To Blow Anyone Who Votes For Hillary Clinton

“And you, sir, who will you vote for?”
“You are joking me, right? Trump. Definitely Trump. For ze love of God.”
“Deducam te per testes in gehennam!”

If you watched last night’s final debate, then you know that Hillary Clinton is fine. She doesn’t need anyone’s help. She clearly illustrated the difference between her 40 years of public service and competent knowledge of foreign and domestic affairs and Donald Trump threatening to throw a temper tantrum if he doesn’t win the election by pretending to be pro-life and promising that very, very nice people told him in private meetings that he’s totally the smartest and Hillary Clinton’s a mean, nasty woman. You wouldn’t believe it.

So naturally Madonna had to try her hand at stand-up again by opening for Amy Schumer and fuck everything up. Huffpost Entertainment reports:

“One more thing before I introduce this genius of comedy,” Madonna said to the crowd before Schumer came onstage. “If you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a blow job — and I am good.”
“I not a douche. I’m not a tool. I take my time,” she continued, much to the displeasure of any of her children who have internet access. “I have … eye contact and I do swallow.”

Jesus Christ, this election. First, I found out that “grab them by the pussy” is a thing that dudes actually do. Now, Madonna’s telling me that they’re walking around saying, “Bro, this chick blew me like a douche.” Seriously, goddammit. The only reaction a man should ever have to a blowjob is, “Holy shit, I can’t believe she put it in her mouth!” And it should be that way every time because there’s no way we did anything remotely close to deserving that. Have you tried spending time with yourself? It’s not good.

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Photos: Getty