Michael Jackson Really Did A Number On Macaulay Culkin
After Mila Kunis regained her sight and realized she’d been having sex with Macaulay Culkin for eight years, he handled their break-up surprisingly well by flying to Europe and going to sex clubs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Except one of those nights must’ve ended with him waking up naked in a room full of giraffes and monkeys, and from there it was a downward spiral into repressed memories of trying to escape Neverland Ranch with a steak knife between his teeth and a head woozy from Coke-tinted wine. Which is really the only way to explain his latest venture of DJ-ing dinosaur-themed birthday parties for mystery guests. It’s exactly as it sounds. Via The Daily Beast:
Hovering near the unmanned iPod resting on the side bar, stands a short, pallid blond man. Here is our Gatsby, except he is more like Willy Wonka. Even in a crowded, packed room, Culkin is impossible to miss. In the dim light, he sometimes looks like an adolescent and sometimes like an old man. But never, from any distance or light, does he look his real age of 31.
Most of his friends are stationed at a giant table in the back of the bar, a cross between the Last Supper and a toddler’s birthday party. There’s a paper tablecloth and dinosaur action figures scattered around two delicious birthday cakes. Culkin’s younger brother Kieran, who played a rebellious teenager in Igby Goes Down, is there, as is his other brother, Shane, who is not an actor.
When Culkin finally speaks at around midnight, his voice is high-pitched and androgynous. “Hi everybody, welcome to the dinosaur party! Thank you for all coming, it’s been a blast.” He awards a girl named Carolyn with a ribbon for her stegosaurus bodysuit. He plays with a pair of chattering teeth and then reveals that it’s actually Shane’s birthday. The crowd roars. He thanks everyone for coming “from the bottom of my heart.”
Well, hey, that sounds pretty innocent. It was his brother’s Shane’s birthday. Except, no, it’s not. It was the dinosaurs birthday, holy fuck, we’re in The Twilight Zone. And, seriously, you need to read the whole Daily Beast piece to grasp the Shymalan you’re about to experience:
The next day, I called the club to ask them about the event. Dustin Nelson, the marketing director for Le Poisson Rouge, said that he’d been getting emails all day about the party. It wasn’t Shane’s birthday, he tells me. “It was no one’s birthday,” he said. “It was a birthday party for dinosaurs. It’s totally nonsensical.”
In related news, Corey Feldman has announced he’ll be DJing pool parties for army men now. Plastic ones, of course, not the real ones. That’d be ridiculous.