Michael Jackson Really Did A Number On Macaulay Culkin

June 19th, 2012 // 72 Comments
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After Mila Kunis regained her sight and realized she’d been having sex with Macaulay Culkin for eight years, he handled their break-up surprisingly well by flying to Europe and going to sex clubs for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Except one of those nights must’ve ended with him waking up naked in a room full of giraffes and monkeys, and from there it was a downward spiral into repressed memories of trying to escape Neverland Ranch with a steak knife between his teeth and a head woozy from Coke-tinted wine. Which is really the only way to explain his latest venture of DJ-ing dinosaur-themed birthday parties for mystery guests. It’s exactly as it sounds. Via The Daily Beast:

Hovering near the unmanned iPod resting on the side bar, stands a short, pallid blond man. Here is our Gatsby, except he is more like Willy Wonka. Even in a crowded, packed room, Culkin is impossible to miss. In the dim light, he sometimes looks like an adolescent and sometimes like an old man. But never, from any distance or light, does he look his real age of 31.
Most of his friends are stationed at a giant table in the back of the bar, a cross between the Last Supper and a toddler’s birthday party. There’s a paper tablecloth and dinosaur action figures scattered around two delicious birthday cakes. Culkin’s younger brother Kieran, who played a rebellious teenager in Igby Goes Down, is there, as is his other brother, Shane, who is not an actor.
When Culkin finally speaks at around midnight, his voice is high-pitched and androgynous. “Hi everybody, welcome to the dinosaur party! Thank you for all coming, it’s been a blast.” He awards a girl named Carolyn with a ribbon for her stegosaurus bodysuit. He plays with a pair of chattering teeth and then reveals that it’s actually Shane’s birthday. The crowd roars. He thanks everyone for coming “from the bottom of my heart.”

Well, hey, that sounds pretty innocent. It was his brother’s Shane’s birthday. Except, no, it’s not. It was the dinosaurs birthday, holy fuck, we’re in The Twilight Zone. And, seriously, you need to read the whole Daily Beast piece to grasp the Shymalan you’re about to experience:

The next day, I called the club to ask them about the event. Dustin Nelson, the marketing director for Le Poisson Rouge, said that he’d been getting emails all day about the party. It wasn’t Shane’s birthday, he tells me. “It was no one’s birthday,” he said. “It was a birthday party for dinosaurs. It’s totally nonsensical.”

In related news, Corey Feldman has announced he’ll be DJing pool parties for army men now. Plastic ones, of course, not the real ones. That’d be ridiculous.

Photos: INFdaily

superficial

  1. USDA Prime McBeef

    This guy has had sex with Mila Kunis.

    That guy.

    That guy up there in the picture.

    Macauley fucking Culkin.

    I really have no excuse. Well I’m not Home Alone rich. That must be what my problem is.

    • JPC

      Mila probably just really likes dinosaurs. But eventually, Macauley’s love for the extinct reptiles got to be too much even for her.

      Also, the whole blindness thing probably had something to do with it.

      And the Scrooge McDuck-style vault filled with his Home Alone money.

    • kimmykimkim

      And now she’s fucking Ashton Kutcher. It’s ok, Beef. She just has really terrible taste in men. It’s not you. It’s her.

  2. Faces of Meh.

  3. damn Kevin what happened?

  4. your mom

    I would love to read Mila Kunis WTF biography of those 8 years. I would actually be relieved to find out it was a modern indentured servant program.

  5. cc

    Oh, look at Stephen Hawking, up out of his chair and doing the town.

    • Capitalist Pancake

      I think Hawking’s already proved that his idea of a good time is unquestionably more sane than Culkin’s (see sex club story)

  6. EricLr

    Cocaine is a helluva drug.

  7. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    DeucePickle
    Commented on this photo:

    Pretty sure this guy’s next acting role will be as the Green Goblin in The Amazing Spiderman 2.

    • Sad Panda

      Being Macaulay Culkin wasn’t working out. He’s trying his hand at being William Defoe. Can’t say I blame him for the decision.

  8. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    Oscar
    Commented on this photo:

    He looks like the kind of person who is missing teeth…

  9. Charlie Sheen just saw this and exhaled a sigh of relief…

  10. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    CK
    Commented on this photo:

    “Red Bull gives you whiiiiiiiiiiskers!”

  11. The look of A.I.D.S

  12. EmmaWatson's Vagina

    wow Michael Jackson possessed him and made him grow a goatee.

  13. Eustace Haney

    “How about a plain cheese pizza?”

  14. Larry Kroger

    The red bull and the coke is making you look more and more like a leading man

  15. Wild Bill

    This guy having sex with Mila Kunis shows the infinite generosity of some females

  16. o0

    All of the kids (at the time) that Michae Jackson hung around, are all fucked up adults now. God only knows what kinda crazy shit beyond normal imagination happened at that ranch. The Corey’s and McCaulkn seem to have bee his favorite chew toys.

    Culkin looks diseased in some way, and i mean that seriously.

  17. Rico Jones

    Hello AIDS!

  18. Batman

    Wait…Rickety Cricket?

  19. Trenton Smith - Jones

    too much money and too much coke

  20. jim

    red balls its cocaine in a can baby!

  21. Matty

    Who wants to bet by the end of that can of redbull he goes full Busey?

  22. bbiowa

    Didn’t know Willem Dafoe was undergoing chemo. Live strong, dude!

  23. Mince

    That’s actually Willem Defoe, which now makes a dinosaur party make way more sense.

  24. tom

    Why is America giving birth to so many freaks, Macaulay Culkin being just another one among all of them?

  25. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    Princess Consuela Banana Hammock
    Commented on this photo:

    Mr. Burns: Smithers, are they boo-ing me?
    Smithers: Uh…no. They’re saying boo-URNS, boo-URNS …

  26. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    Commented on this photo:

    He looks more like someone doing a lot of drugs…
    [img]http://www.thesuperficial.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/19/m-94_94.jpg[/img]
    and they don’t like him…

  27. Dave

    Yeah, no, that’s totally a norma thing to do.

  28. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    Sam
    Commented on this photo:

    Huh. I didn’t realize they were remaking Benjamin Button with Willem Defoe.

  29. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    Stewie Griffen
    Commented on this photo:

    I think he has the virus!

  30. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    Commented on this photo:

    Cocaine is a helluva drug.

  31. I actually saw the listing for this party in Time Out New York last week, and only thought it was half as sad as it apparently turned out to be.

    And yes, it’s a monthly party. Time Out has run the same listing—”Macaulay Culkin’s iPod The name says it all. At this monthly party, the Home Alone star spins danceable songs from a well-stocked MP3 player.”—for six months now. Only the date changes.

  32. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hey, you want me to do that thing from the movie where I put my hands to my face and scream?”

    “I wasn’t alive when that movie came out.”

  33. lori

    …”grasp the Shymalan you’re about experience…. ahahahhahahAHHAHAHAHA!!!!

  34. jasper

    What’s more depressing…shitting gold bricks into the hands of lawyers that cart them away before you are 18, taking in the turdcutter from the King of Pop, getting dumped by the hottest Ukrainian ever to live, or having a fake birthday party celebrating extruded plastic made in China? This guy is a psychiatrists wet dream. To his credit, his ratio of sex with Mila Kunis compared to you neckbeards is x/0, and that breaks my computer. So thumbs up to this poor poor bastard

  35. paul

    Alexander Skarsgard is looking a little dehydrated – too much sex with your girlfriend.

  36. LittleCupcakes

    Shit, Shane MacGowan looks better.

  37. Tippytoes

    Why is it that every time I look at this picture with the giant hair surrounding a teensy, sad little head, I’m reminded of Shia LeBouf in that new music video?!

  38. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    Forrest Gump
    Commented on this photo:

    He is Cricket from It’s always sunny in Philadelphia.

  39. doood

    as much of a sad pathetic joke as this guy has become, and i don’t mean any disrespect, he was never a bad guy. never fucked anyone over. some girl in my homeroom dated him in the early 90s
    how he ended up banging mila kunis is beyond my comprehension.
    but hey, keep your head up bro.

  40. Burt

    I’m so showing these pictures to my kid next time he acts like a smartass, trying to emulate Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) in Home Alone. “See, this is what happens to kids who don’t listen to mommy and daddy when they grow up.”

  41. Nix

    Fuck, I’ve seen 70 year old men look more alive!

  42. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    KC
    Commented on this photo:

    Willem Dafoe looks terrible.

  43. MC

    i lol’d HARD at that shaymalan reference

  44. Ashley

    Are you people so desperate for attention that you’ll use Michael Jackson’s name to get hits? Macaulay Culkin consistently defended his friend and has never spoken badly about him. He attended his funeral. While Macaulay has been a very private person, that doesn’t give anybody the right to say Michael hurt him in any way. So disgusted by this article.

  45. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    Feetsthss
    Commented on this photo:

    Whoever was responsible for casting the role of “Young Steve Buscemi” did a bang-up job.

  46. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    Rutty
    Commented on this photo:

    LET ME SHOW YA SOMETHING!

  47. Mac is Great

    I was at the dino party, Mac looked great! He was clean shaven, on the thin side, but he’s a small guy in general. The Daily Beast article is filled with inaccuracies (Rory was there, not Kieran). Mac didn’t reek of pot, he smelled like cigarettes. Ramin (author of the article) tried to twist a fun themed party into something weird and unsettling.

  48. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    yo mamma
    Commented on this photo:

    Boo Radley, now you come on out from behind yonder door-oh…Yikes Mac…yikes.

  49. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    Jimmy C
    Commented on this photo:

    What what the heck do you think you’re doing? LET ME SHOW YA SOMETHIN’!

  50. Macualay Culkin Skinny
    Luopis
    Commented on this photo:

    THE FK
    WASNT HE IN HOME ALONE?
    WHAT HAPPENED!!!!

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