Lynne Spears’ book not so much about parenting, more about her kids’ private lives (That’s sweet.)

August 11th, 2008 // 53 Comments

Lynne Spears new book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World will hit bookshelves next month and it appears ol’ Lynne is cashing in her kids’ lives. The book includes chapters on Britney’s meltdown and Jamie Lynn’s teenage pregnancy. Without these tests of inner strength, Lynne might not have had the fortitude to write this book and totally pay off her Mercedes. E! Online reports:

“The stories Lynne shares reveal the heart of a mother who struggles to keep faith at the center of her life through its many unexpected twists and serendipitous turns,” the prereview states. The book retails for $24.99.
According to BreatheHeavy, a Britney fansite, the publisher says the book sheds light on much more, even touching on Britney’s breakdown, Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy and the infamous Sam Lutfi.

The Superficial has obtained an advanced copy of the book and would like to present its readers with an exclusive excerpt from the Sam Lutfi chapter. Through the Storm on bookshelves Sept. 16:

IX. Douchebeard at the Helm

There we were in Britney’s living room. She demanded I let her watch Crossroads for the third time that night or else she’d eat an entire bucket of chicken and throw her career down the toilet. This was, of course, months after the MTV VMA debacle, so I couldn’t have cared less if she wanted to devour a live buffalo. (I would eat those words later during a trip to the zoo.) When I explained to her she was holding a decorative basket full of pine cones, the situation became nuclear.

“Stop sleeping with my boyfriend! MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH!”

Much to my horror, she began eating the pine cones. She always had strong teeth as a child, but my word, those things didn’t stand a chance. Sam Lutfi simply laughed and continued stuffing that damn duffel bag of his full of cash. You figured he’d at least be subtle about it, but that’s when I knew: I had to have him.

We made love in the garage, and to this day, I never knew if Britney saw the whole thing. I didn’t even notice her there until she tried to butter her toast with the hedge clippers. Fortunately, no one got hurt except for the bodyguard she stabbed to death. His family asked a lot of questions. I mean, geez, get over it already.

Photo: E! Online, Thomas Nelson
superficial

  1. cdog

    First

  2. Too Effing Funny

    Dude I am peeing!! Ahhhgh haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaa!
    Hee heeeeeeee it sure sucks that this parasite has the nuts or ovaries to exploit her own children.

  3. UglyPeopleSafaris

    third

  4. NY Ted

    You mean Momma Spears actually knows how to write….???
    Damn if those hill-billy trailer trash types don’t pull the wool over your eyes time and time again…Hot damn Ya’ all…!!!

  5. Is it a kiss and tell book, or scratch and sniff book?

  6. I have it on good word that Britney had a diaper rash through her early years. I think until she was 12 or something.

  7. literary genius

    24.99?! RRIIIGGHHTTT! That’ll be 5.99 at Walmart by Labor Day, and in the 99 Cent stores in time for Christmas shopping…

    and even then, it will be over-priced….

    I can’t wait for the sequel – Other Stuff I Remembered about My famous F’d up Kids.”

  8. excuse me while i go drown myself in the kitchen sink.

  9. rough daddy

    lynne spears=where britney inherit her intellect

  10. Lola

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA H AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA…..

    OH MY GOD… OK THEY’RE SENDING ME AT HOME CUZ I WAS JUST LAUGHING MY ASS OFF HERE AT MY DESK AND I MEAN WTF…. FISH, PLEASE I NEED A COPY OF YOUR BOOK…. TO HELL WITH THIS BITCH AND HER STUPID SOB STORY ABOUT RAISING WHORES…. ALL SHE WANTS IS MONEY…. I WILL PAY A SHIT-LOAD MORE FOR A COPY OF YOUR BOOK INSTEAD
    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

  11. Subtitle:

    “If you love whores, this book is for YOU!!!”

  12. Ted from LA

    I’m going to read John Edwards new book, “A Guide to Marital Fidelity” first. Then, I’m going to read Kim Kardashian’s book, “Tips for a Slimmer Ass” next. Then, it’s on to Lynn’s thriller.

  13. malicious

    shameless publicity whore. Brit’s father sorts her out and her mother wrings her for more cash

  14. i might actually read it.

  15. lynne spears and dina lohan should go head to head in “celebrity” death match; the term “celebrity” being almost as loose as their daughters.

  16. WHO

    Who???

  17. Twinkie

    I like how Bryan is listed, as though anybody knows who the fuck that is.

    The only way I’d go near this book, is if Lynne explains why Britney keeps recycling those godawful boots.

  18. literarycritic

    “Much to my horror, she began eating the pine cones. She always had strong teeth as a child, but my word, those things didn’t stand a chance. Sam Lutfi simply laughed and continued stuffing that damn duffel bag of his full of cash.”

    Most hilarious thing I have EVER read on this site.

    And just when I was starting to think the Fish had lost his touch.

    Bravo.

  19. Sam

    We all comment on Britney’s and her sisters life style but this bitch is the one that is to blame. The sad thing is that she’ll end up making more money on this book than what I’ll make in 20 years.

  20. Ted from LA

    Chapter 1: Whoring My Girls Out to the Mouseketeers
    Chapter 2: The Cheetos Years
    Chapter 3: Cheetos Stain Removal from the Fingers Tips
    Chapter 4: These Boats are Made for Walking
    Chapter 5: Change Those Fucking Boats
    Chapter 6: The Beaver Shot Money Maker Days
    Chapter 7: How My Girl Got Done Knocked-up at 16
    Chapter 8: The Grandmother Years
    Chapter 9: Investing in Starbucks and Whipped Cream
    Chapter 10: How I Felt Used by the Paparazzi
    Chapter 11: Where the Fuck is the Paparazzi (Britney, flash your bever)?
    Chapter 12: Why I Only Shop at Wal-Mart
    Chapter 13: Teaching the Grandkids the Thrill of Four Wheeling

  21. cranky

    I’d eat a bucket of shit to lick her bunghole.

  22. Diamond

    @ 22 hahahaha :P

    but anyways, what ethnicity is Britney’s mom? She doesn’t look completely white or is that overdone tanning?

  23. Holy Rolling in Cash

    Ted, you forgot all the chapters about Faith: Getting My Daughters Implants for Jesus; Endorsing Viagra with Bob Dole for the Sake of Christianity; and Gaining Control, Not Post-Partum Pounds, Through Prayer.

  24. Racer X

    FAIL.

  25. dude_on

    She is such a strong woman to have overcome neglecting her own children.

    “many unexpected twists and serendipitous turns”

    – like the news that your daughter is showing her genitalia to the world. I bet it’s not like leaving your sunglasses at the Piggly Wiggly.

    – The little one, whatshername, had been found to be bred – cue shock. the end.

    Oh sorry… spoiler alert.

  26. ___

    Anyone who buys this book is a fucking loser. ANYONE.

  27. drew

    Lynn spears again?? She is also a popular blogger at Richromances.com where many people view her blog and debate under every topic she created. awesome!!

  28. Ted from LA

    #22, I fucked up Chapters 4 and 5. It should say “boots” not “boats. FUCK!!!

  29. anything for money

    I cannot believe a mother could do this to her own children for money, it is the only reason why she would do it. I sure could not do it to my kids at any price. It is no wonder why these kids have had turned out the way they have, money and greed……Lets just push their careers. I am happy to see that Britney seems to be getting back on track thanks to her father even though he is making his share of her money. Way to go parents….

  30. runawaywriter

    How come teens are told to not gossip yet you do it anyway? Gossip
    destroys lives, gossip is what has brought down plenty of people who
    didn’t do anything wrong but other people just wanted to hurt them.
    Gossip is wrong- do you not care who it hurts? You set an example for
    everyone who reads your site and society in general that gossip is ok
    as long as you don’t know them. You think teens make the distinction
    that it means not hurting someone- that makes us think its ok if its
    people we don’t know at school and soon that distinction will be gone
    too.
    Outright gossip is so supposed to be wrong, but what about this? If we
    learn it from those who teach us, media like you, or parents or people
    with influence, t hen how are we so in the wrong when really we do
    what we are taught? We need to take responsibility for our actions
    but so do you for yours. How doesn’t that make you a hypocrite if you
    think gossip is wrong or have ever told someone not to?
    Do you remember high school or middle school and how rumors could
    define status overnight? Have you forgotten that a whispered joke that
    the speaker knows is untrue can sweep around school and tear down even
    the strongest? Girls kill themselves because of what a word of gossip
    can start- guys do too- they get into drugs because they can’t handle
    it anymore.
    How is this any different? I thought not being a victim of your past
    meant learning from it and being strong enough to keep others from
    being hurt from mistakes that hurt you or that you had that hurt
    others. I don’t think I was wrong.
    Realise your influence please, before its too late. I’m 15- i know
    what gossip can do- please stop justifying the methods used that have
    hurt me and hurt my friends and I have used to hurt people and that
    others have around me have used to hurt. Gossip teaches nothing-
    please stop this cycle of hurting and rumors. Its not a big step but
    its something- tell the good things, not the scandalous and not the
    bad. I don’t care if it takes away your story- do it cause its the
    right thing to do. Its a step if you stop because others will follow
    and maybe one person won’t be hurt by gossip because of this- its not
    as if the celebs can’t read or don’t care- you hurt them too. How can
    you live with making money or getting good comments when you hurt
    people do it? Are there tears and pain worth one story? Are another
    group of kids learning that its not wrong to make up things about
    people and say stuff without fact because its interesting worth it?
    Every choice you make affects someone- please listen to me now and
    make the right one here- help end it now this cycle of gossip.
    Please! You probably won’t listen to me because I’m a kid right and I
    don’t know but is that really true. You don’t know me or what I’ve
    been through so to assume that is in bad taste- when you were a teen
    just remember was it right to ignore you , was it right to have said
    what you have to say doesn’t matter? I don’t thinks so- so please
    listen to me. Listen to a plea for help for a world that is already
    confusing and painful and doesn’t need the added gossip to make it so.
    If someone cries out for help and we ignore them doesn’t that make us
    guilty of causing them pain?
    Well all the girls who are depressed and suicidal and bullying, all
    the guys beating each other up or using each other and girls to get
    what they want are a cry for help- so please start listening.
    RunawayWriter

  31. LL

    what??? lynne slept with sam? or what? i dont understand it.

  32. She didn’t write it, any more than Katie Price writes her novels.

  33. MM

    its not her book!! superficial, i hate you! its absolutely unture!! Lynne didnt sleep with Sam. omg this is stupid! stope critizing Lynne!!

  34. How long until Lynne flashes her beaver?

  35. lmfao@#22

    and #34: WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK READ YOUR MINDLESS BABBLE YOU DUMBSHIT? THIS IS THE INTERNET, NO ONE HAS THE ATTENTION SPAN!

    anyway, join a new, bad ass forum where anything goes:

    http://www.elestupidez.com

  36. Ewwwww! Someone left a spent condom on comment #32!

  37. reply

    ok, that was kind of funny, but I’d much rather read a real excerpt. Any chance you can deliver?

  38. reply

    ok, that was kind of funny, but I’d much rather read a real excerpt. Any chance you can deliver?

  39. reply

    ok, that was kind of funny, but I’d much rather read a real excerpt. Any chance you can deliver?

  40. reply

    ooops sorry readers….didnt mean for that to post three times

  41. Paolo Maldini

    If Nancy Pelosi can write a book, then so can this loser. That does not mean anyone will buy it.

  42. insanity

    Hysterically funny, thus NSFW. I’m choking.

  43. 0bservant

    0nly thing I noted is she’s a MILF
    Anything beyond that is pure mindless drivel
    i wonder if her cooter looks like a 3 day old roast-beef sandwich like her daughter.
    She;s sure enough got dem big ole titties like her daughter

  44. Brutor

    Who is she again?

    “Mother of Jamie Lynn, Bryan, and Britney Spears”

    Oh! Ya. Oh whew! She almost forgot ta mention Britney. That was a close one! She might have lost sales but for alerting people to that coincidence.

  45. camel toe

    I can sum up that entire fucked up,white trash family in two words:Human Shields. Now boarding for the Middle East…..

  46. Eugene

    So this book really is real, and someone really had the nerve to publish it. I had my doubts.

    This was originally described as a parenting guide (to be released this past Mother’s day). Those plans changed abruptly when news of Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy leaked, and the book was delayed. Additionally, it was no longer described as a parenting manual, but a memoir (read: a tell-all book). Interestingly, it is being released by a publisher best known for publishing Christian tracts and bibles. I wonder how they feel about some of the less Christ-like actions of the Spears family. I guess the prospect of high sales won them over.

    Personally, if I had any hand in parenting Lynne’s two spoiled celebrity brats, I wouldn’t want the world to know it. While the Spears family may not have “gone Hollywood” to quite the extent of the even more awful Lohan family, you still have to wonder what (beyond hunger for fame and money) motivated the decisions that Lynne made about parenting Britney and Jamie Lynn. In a similar vein, I guess that Lynne feels that both Britney and Jamie Lynn’s entertainment careers are now washed up, and this book is her last chance to squeeze a bit more juice from those lemons before they go bad.

    The only possible reason for wanting to read this is the schadenfreude one gets from knowing that celebrities have even more f*cked up lives than oneself. If you really feel you have to read this, do the world a favor and read it for free in a bookstore, or get it from a library. Don’t contribute a cent to Lynne Spears, or this might encourage Dina Lohan to do something similar.

  47. literarycritic

    @#32: Aww ::pat pat::, you’ll feel better in a few years.

    But do me a favor and STFU until then, ok Junior?

  48. Paty

    The worst thing is that I was believing up to the point where she said she wanted Sam Lufti. hahahahahahahaha

Leave A Comment