Live-Action Aladdin Movie Might Have Will Smith As Genie Because Johnny Depp Was Probably Busy

In the wake of the live-action Beauty and The Beast raging like a berserking silverback gorilla in the box office, Disney is gonna dump out an Aladdin movie because they think we have a way larger boner for nostalgic escapism than we actually do. It doesn’t even matter if Aladdin induces another collective “meh” from hamburger-eating hordes, it’s a guaranteed BILL for the mouse and they’ll happily pass it on the “well, the technology is so much more advanced now we can actually do things we were never able to do” bullshit clause.

We all know that technology doesn’t write original stories, Tim Burton and Johnny Depp do and they’re giving the chair to Guy Richie for this one because Aladdin needs some GRIT. Still, watch out for Tim Burton’s Dumbo in a theater near you= there’s this crazy twist you’ll never expect.

*SPOILER: The new Dumbo becomes more whimsical while wearing eyeliner.*

This is just mumbo jumbo and I don’t even remembo if Johnny Depp is in the new Dumbo- damn, they got me talkin’ all Disney…

The big issue here is people are scared of the difference between Will Smith’s genie and Robin Williams’ iconic performance. Well… he’s going to be black now guys… Disney used a focus group to observe that the blue, racially fluid genie of the animated Aladdin was just not a fit for 2017. He’s also going to talk like Will Smith, who is chalk-full of personality and comedic timing just like Robin Williams, and none of this should be that Earth-shattering news because there are Russian bombers flying over Alaska for chrissake…

I’m actually really down with Will Smith as the genie and I hope we’re all still alive to check this out- it’s just easier to act like any of this matters if it’s packaged under the guise of me talking shit about it…