Lindsay Lohan’s Shitty Weekend

March 15th, 2009 // 63 Comments

Lindsay Lohan’s weekend went to hell in a lesbian basket Friday when it was reported Beverly Hill police have issued a warrant for her arrest. Details are fuzzy, but it regards her compliance with enrolling in education classes as part of her 2007 DUI conviction. Obviously, this didn’t sit too well with Samantha Ronson and the two got into a heated brawl Saturday morning that ended with Lindsay breaking a window. Also, Lindsay partying with Jack Nicholson until four in the morning might’ve had something to do with it. Not even joking. People reports:

Around 1:45 a.m., Lohan showed up outside actor Nicholson’s house on Mulholland Drive. Witnesses say the actress, accompanied by pals, buzzed the intercom numerous times and grew agitated, asking for “Jack” to open the gate.
The group was eventually let in, and Lohan remained inside until a bodyguard picked her up about 4:30 a.m. (Representatives for Nicholson could not immediately be reached for comment.)
Lohan’s bodyguard then brought her to Sam Ronson’s house, where Ronson showed up at around 11:30 a.m. Later in the day, a loud disturbance was heard at the house, including the sound of a breaking window. Police cars arrived at the house shortly afterward.

Somewhere between Lindsay partying with Jack and turning into the Firecrotch Hulk, she took the time to contact Perez Hilton and completely deny there’s a warrant out for her arrest. And by deny, I mean lie her face off:

In an exclusive statement to, Lindsay says, “This warrant for my arrest is completely fabricated and its a horrendous lie. This will make me loose every single deal that I have right now. Its horrible.”

The Beverly Hills Police Department then issued a public statement confirming there is indeed a warrant out for Lindsay. Whoops! And, like any good Lindsay story, her father chimed in to E! News to blame Samantha Ronson for the whole thing:

“I love Lindsay. I’ve been telling everyone this relationship with Sam (Ronson) is toxic,” the elder Lohan tells E! News. “Hopefully this is a wakeup call for her because we all really want her to get her life better.”
Lohan, who has had a on-off relationship with Lindsay, says he supports her unconditionally.
“I’m here for her 100 percent,” he said. “But nothing is going to get better with Sam Ronson in her life.”

I think the most important lesson people can take away from Lindsay’s debacle is that Jack Nicholson has game none of us can ever comprehend. Seriously, he could die, and I guarantee there’d be naked chicks laying on top of his grave. Some of you might say, “Well, isn’t the real lesson here about the dangers of alcohol abuse.” To which I say, “No. It’s definitely Jack Nicholson: Robotic Pussyhound from the Future.”

Write that down.

Photos: Splash News

  1. Casey

    And her extensions are horrible.

  2. sushi

    Jesus Christ, Jack Nicholson. What the fuck? He’s too old to be having 20 somethings at his fucking house at all hours. And what the fuck did she do to her lip? Collagen?

    I’m so sick of this butt fucking ugly twat with no redeemable talent and terrible spelling.

  3. Sixth

    Dammit … and I just got released from the clink …

    P.S. … I love you SF writer …

  4. isitin

    This girl has to be the worst person on the planet. Also what an ugly ass she has.

  5. feckless

    Dear Michael Lohan,

    I want you to think of me as your very own, and legally binding, daughter. Please blame Samantha Ronson for all this crap I have had to deal with for a month.

    Feckless Lohan

  6. Lowlands

    Everybody has ones in a while a bad weekend.There’s no need to treat her like she’s a big time delinquent! I’m confident she’s going to sort this out with the legal authorities.And to Lill Lindsay Lohan;just that the guy’s first name is Jack.That doesn’t mean you’ve to jump in right away for the literal action! *Sigh!*

  7. lezlohan

    Oh gross, look at those lips. Lay off the collagen, Lezhan.

  8. Not Parker

    isitin – March 15, 2009 12:53 PM

    This girl has to be the worst person on the planet. Also what an ugly ass she has.


    Do not judge her until you have those pale asscheeks in your hands, ready to be split apart by throbbing manhood, speared again and again until that ass is sprayed by hot jism

  9. Obama


    Dem whitw wimminz iz fayne!

  10. Matthew

    HOHAN is at it again!

  11. Lowlands

    Her parents and the movie-industry own her a lot as well! they worn her out at a very young age and where are they now!?

  12. LOL, That is one confused, sexy hellcat! Id love to help out…

  13. Sauron

    Western child-labour

  14. Elina

    I was her fan before, but now I don`t like her any more, she is becoming more and more die-away because of cigars, looks like a drugger currently! And more, I was told she is dating with a few rich handsome guys from “C e l e b M i n g l e. C 0 M”, you know it is a romance site for wealthy people.

  15. Darth

    @12 Do i’ve to bring you that yellow box with the red button now?

  16. Lowlands

    #16 Hmm,it’s tempting but not yet Darth.Thanks anyway for the suggestion!

  17. Slice

    You know, at first I was a little annoyed that all the new “it” kids (twilight, high school musical, etc) seemed so indignant about their fame, but I guess it’s better than the Lindsay/Britney/Paris era. At least 5 years down the road they won’t be self-absorbed, entitled little cokeheads who just further prove the point that it doesn’t matter how much money you give to white trash, it still can’t buy class.

  18. norton

    She’s on the “loose”, but will she “loose” every deal because of it?

    Moron, learn how to spell at least you inarticulate whore.

  19. Gando

    she needs marathon meditation sessions and healthy food.

  20. Nero

    Several times a day an icy cold bath will do as well!

  21. Lowlands

    Hey Darth! Bring me that yellow box!

  22. Richport's Fucking Ghost

    What a fucking cunt. Why is she blowing up her lips, so she can learn how to suck dick again?

  23. Darth

    Whoof! Right away!

  24. Lowlands

    #24 You got it? Push the red button for me! Then the box opens and if it’s right my spare carkeys are there inside! I lost my carkeys!?

  25. Ryan the Canadian

    “This will make me loose every single deal that I have right now. Its horrible.”

    It is 1 fucking ‘O’ – not 2…………..

    Fuck sakes. Now I can’t finish breakfast.


  26. Sauron

    @25 It’s always darth who you allow to push the red button! I want to push the red button the next time!

  27. Lowlands

    It’s always a bitch! When you loose your keys!

  28. amanda

    the entire last paragraph is the greatest thing i have heard all month. thank you superficial!

  29. fitzwilly

    I usually don’t care or comment about LL. But what the fuck is wrong with her father? I don’t recall hearing stories about Sam. Ronson getting wasted, hijacking cars, getting into general trouble or anything of that nature unless LL is somehow connected. So how can LL’s father claim that Sam. Ronson is the bad influence?

    Ignorance, thy name is Michael Lohan.

  30. sam

    #30 — Probably closer to the truth to say Lindsay is a bad influence on Samantha, eh?

    If Lindsay would lay of the collagen (I think #23 nailed why she is doing it), get rid of the skanky extensions and “loose” the leggings she would be at least pointed in the right direction to the road to recovery. Picture with shorter hair, normal lips, a cute sundress and a smile. Throw in a partner — man, woman, tiny doggie, whatever — who didn’t have a perpetual scowl, and people might begin to have some glimmer of faith in her.

  31. Anodyne

    @31 Why do people need faith in her? She’s a young reckless sexed up drugged out actress, not the Pope.

    I, for one, would love to see some of the shit she gets up to behind closed doors.
    I do hope she straightens her life up a bit though, I spent some years of my own in the party till I’m addicted state, and you’re really not happy with your life, or who you are as a person during that, no matter what image you try and give off.

  32. Kelley

    Her upper lip looks a breakfast sausage, LOL !!! Another childish fight with her lesbian lover :( … or maybe she was arrested for drug possession, ya think ?

  33. Cash

    Lilo needs to ditch the dyke, before she murders her career any more then she already has. It’s scary just how fast good looks can turn to complete shit… just ask Kirsten Dunst.

  34. Rajan

    Lilo the Duck

  35. Hello!!!

    She has a nice nose.

  36. Hello!!

    Get a haircut, you stupid hippie, crack-head freak!

  37. Hello!

    I would think that it would hurt to have someone inject jiffy lube into your lips, but I guess if you’re on crack – what the Hell!

  38. herbiefrog

    #32 you couldnt [couldn't?]
    be more wrong…?

    [why are we even posting here?]

    oh… just hold it together…
    …** can make this all go away : ))

    shhh… : ))

  39. motor boat love that ass!!!!!

  40. isitin

    #9,Not Parker, you made me throw up.

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  42. my comment

    She’s got ‘deals’? What deals?

  43. RaraAvis

    She’s got deals all right. “I love you no shit – buy me a drink”.

  44. cthula


  45. justifiable

    The only unconditional support Michael Lohan knows – or wants – is the kind where Lindsay writes a blank support check for him every month.

    Last time I looked, “unconditional” support didn’t include trashing all the choices that the person you’re “supporting” makes, or calling her partnership”toxic”. A 40 year old stretched out bra does a better job of supporting than he does.

  46. ManiacFive

    @#2 Sushi, really, too old to have 20 somethings turn up your house? Oh come on, its jack nicholson, he might be 50 years their senior, but its Jack, he’s put them Jackbrows to good use and is luring hot nubile women to his door even now.

    You post reeks of sour grapes. dont feel bad, we cant all be jack.

  47. StickDick

    Why does anybody give a shit? Absolutely fucking “who cares”?

  48. sluggo

    Hahahahaha, look at those dumbass lips!!!
    When will white girls realize they don’t need big lips.
    Be proud of those small, thin lips!!!
    Butt implants might be cool, though ;-)
    White girl + fat, round ass = Boner time!!!

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