Lindsay Lohan’s Secret Sister: The Untold Story

July 1st, 2008 // 67 Comments

Word broke that Michael Lohan may have an illegitimate love child floating about. Ashley Kaufmann (above) might be the 13-year-old half-sister of Lindsay Lohan. Ashley’s mother Kristi talked to OK! Magazine about the circumstances revolving around Ashley and her apparent Lohan ties. Obviously, this Kristi woman is a terrible parent because, if I were her, I’d just tell Ashley she was adopted. From wolves – with rabies. I guess I’m trying to say “I love kids!” Here’s the story rife with Jell-O and abandonment:

“Many times I offered to do this privately so the other Lohan kids wouldn’t be hurt,” Kristi told OK!. “But Michael would not live up to his obligations.”
Kristi says she met Lohan at dinner with a mutal friend in the 1980′s. Years later, the two met up again in 1994 and began an affair.
“It went on for about 4 weeks,” she says. “He told me he was separated from Dina. He told me about Lindsay’s Jell-O commerical. He took me to meet his parents. We were in love.”

Trouble started when Kristi found out she was pregnant, and Michael, being the honorable man, hopped a train and disappeared into the Great American Wilderness (i.e. got drunk and ended up in jail.) The man’s a patriot:

Over the years, she says she tried to get in touch with Michael in the hope that he would recognize Ashley,13, as his daughter, and finally received a phone call from him during his time in jail where Kristi says Michael finally admitted, “I always knew she was mine.”
Michael has written several letters to Ashley over the years, but the two have still not met.

The fucked up thing is Michael Lohan was saying he’s the father without even having a paternity test. How do I know? The stupid clown sold the exclusive news to Star that he just took one – yesterday! First off, should the test be negative, I think that might do psychological damage to a child. Then again that’s the Lohans’ bread and butter. Second, you don’t cop to an illegitimate child without DNA results staring you straight in the face. “Even then, you say you were framed then dive out the courtroom window. For the Lord hath said ‘This is good and right in my eyes.’” (Psalms of Superficial 12:16).

superficial

  1. JRock

    Did this woman seriously thinks they were in love after a 4 week affair. No one Micheal Lohan left town – that bitch is crazy.

  2. JRock

    Did this woman seriously thinks they were in love after a 4 week affair. No wonder Micheal Lohan left town – that bitch is crazy.

  3. Harry Ballzack

    Stranger fiends hide here in human guise
    than reside in the valleys of Hell.
    But goodness, kindness and love arise
    in the heart of the poor bastard as well.

    from The Bad Place – The Book of Counted Sorrows
    by Dean Koontz.

  4. titsonsnack

    I am inteRnet!!!

  5. titsonsnack

    I am inteRnet!!!

  6. titsonsnack

    I am inteRnet!!!

  7. titsonsnack

    I am inteRnet!!!

  8. titsonsnack

    I am inteRnet!!!

  9. mimang

    “Ahh. Men lusting after children – attractive isn’t it? My darkened heart sings with glee to see men objectify every other human being but themselves. If I only had a penis I could rule the world …. Muahahahaha.”

    well said… well said…

  10. Amber

    Fucking disgusting is what some of you dicks are. You make me sick, and you are the reason I was raped as as child.

  11. Its like a uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh,,,,

  12. I’m just a bit curious.The Magazine HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP reported her profiles were found on the famous wealthy dating club RICHLOVING.COM last week and she was seeking her new guy there now! BTW, The girls there are really hot!

  13. Mick

    I’d introduce her teary-eyed face to Mr. Rip Hymen, and afterwards give her a smiley face with the blood.

  14. no matter what her family wants: LEAVE THIS KID ALONE!!

  15. michelle

    Actually, my record is 17 in a row. Orgasms, that is. I make inappropriate jokes all the time, I might as well be a mute if not. I just felt sort of guilty for picking on a child. Obviously, I still have a tiny shred of decency left. Shit….I’ll have to fix that QUICK!

  16. Conscience_Found

    Jesus said he will take anyone who hurts a child and put a millstone around their neck to drown them, I think in a lake of fire.

    People who are so callous as to disrespect a minor girl are consuming way too much internet porn. It is eating their souls away and transforming them into tortured shadows of their former selves. Remember Gollum?

    Tolkien had a lot to say about sin.

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