Lindsay Lohan’s Secret Sister: The Untold Story

July 1st, 2008 // 67 Comments

Word broke that Michael Lohan may have an illegitimate love child floating about. Ashley Kaufmann (above) might be the 13-year-old half-sister of Lindsay Lohan. Ashley’s mother Kristi talked to OK! Magazine about the circumstances revolving around Ashley and her apparent Lohan ties. Obviously, this Kristi woman is a terrible parent because, if I were her, I’d just tell Ashley she was adopted. From wolves – with rabies. I guess I’m trying to say “I love kids!” Here’s the story rife with Jell-O and abandonment:

“Many times I offered to do this privately so the other Lohan kids wouldn’t be hurt,” Kristi told OK!. “But Michael would not live up to his obligations.”
Kristi says she met Lohan at dinner with a mutal friend in the 1980′s. Years later, the two met up again in 1994 and began an affair.
“It went on for about 4 weeks,” she says. “He told me he was separated from Dina. He told me about Lindsay’s Jell-O commerical. He took me to meet his parents. We were in love.”

Trouble started when Kristi found out she was pregnant, and Michael, being the honorable man, hopped a train and disappeared into the Great American Wilderness (i.e. got drunk and ended up in jail.) The man’s a patriot:

Over the years, she says she tried to get in touch with Michael in the hope that he would recognize Ashley,13, as his daughter, and finally received a phone call from him during his time in jail where Kristi says Michael finally admitted, “I always knew she was mine.”
Michael has written several letters to Ashley over the years, but the two have still not met.

The fucked up thing is Michael Lohan was saying he’s the father without even having a paternity test. How do I know? The stupid clown sold the exclusive news to Star that he just took one – yesterday! First off, should the test be negative, I think that might do psychological damage to a child. Then again that’s the Lohans’ bread and butter. Second, you don’t cop to an illegitimate child without DNA results staring you straight in the face. “Even then, you say you were framed then dive out the courtroom window. For the Lord hath said ‘This is good and right in my eyes.’” (Psalms of Superficial 12:16).

superficial

  1. I’d fuck her, she’s hot!

  2. sillysalamander

    FIRST….booooyah!!!

  3. Lexi

    Publish the psalms please… we’ll all follow

  4. sixpack

    First!

  5. Mike Obxnig

    BOING!!!!!!

  6. sixpack

    Fourth!

  7. steve

    I’d give her spurts of something good and right in her eyes.

  8. sillysalamander

    Jimbo, wtf mang you ruined it for me by a split second!!

  9. JimmyBachaFungool

    She’s 13…back off with the sexual comments.

  10. Giggidy Giggidy

    Chicks named “Ashley” don’t give head but they do give up anal to remain technical virgins. Just fyi.

  11. #9 – She’s a Lohan. By 18 she’ll be 40. We can’t afford to wait.

  12. titsXD

    shes better looking than lindsay and only 13 :O, cant wait to see what the next few years do to her looks

  13. titsXD

    shes better looking than lindsay and only 13 :O, cant wait to see what the next few years do to her looks

  14. Rick

    13 is prime. It’s early spring in the girl’s body, no time better than that.

  15. michelle

    i agree with commenter #9, as much of a fan of innapropriate humor as i am, i find it tasteless to say such things about a 13 year old. lets all try to show a little class. i understand this isnt the usual place for classiness, and i enjoy shock humor as much as the rest of you, but she is only a child. and she obviously has enough issues already, being possibly related to those ass clowns.

  16. Cindy

    “back off with the sexual comments” yeah right. She’s on the cover of a celeb rag at 13, that’s all you need to know about her and her parents. In a year or two her cell phone will be “hacked” and nude pics will be on the internet. Then she’ll do a “classy” spread for some magazine and then a gyno spread for Hustler at 18, at which point it’ll look like she’s been turning tricks for years (like Lindsay). We’ve seen it all before dozens of times.

  17. veggi

    I’d nip at her bud.

  18. michelle has never had an orgasm

    “i find it tasteless to say such things”

    lmao. Sorry, didn’t mean to offend you, Jeeves.

  19. Trollsareus

    There is no way that girl is his child…He fathered several GINGER KIDS with severe gingivitis and this little girl bears resemblance to those souless she-devils. It is possible that this girl is a daywalker though.

  20. whatever

    #9/15 – Tasteless? You are obviously on the wrong site if you are actually using that word.

    #5 – Best troll ever.

  21. RCA

    So who gave permission to put this 13 year old girl on the damned internet??!! Why would you do that??!!

  22. Eric

    I downloaded the picture and photoshopped a big load of semen all over her face, and I must say she seems pretty happy about it.

  23. ph7

    I’d hit it.

  24. ph7

    Can’t tell if she’s got those famous Lohan cans.

    Let’s pray she does.

  25. JimmyBachaFungool

    I, too, like tasteless himor but she’s a minor. Remember, I want Kim Kardashian to shit in my mouth…Just the sexual comments about minors is not, and will never be, cute, funny or acceptable.

  26. AllOfUs

    #25 – sorry, you don’t make the rules.

  27. Old enough to Pee, Old Enough for Me

    “Just the sexual comments about minors is not, and will never be, cute, funny or acceptable.”
    ==============

    Unless they look as deliciously fuckable as Ashley Kaufman does — Yummm!!!

  28. some regular

    As my friend says

    “aw, you shaved!”

    “shaved what?”

  29. Guy

    If theres grass on the field, play ball, as I like to say – and I certainly would in this case.

  30. gingervitis

    ahhh so i guess its lindsays mom is who carries the horrid ginger gene…

  31. New Office Rules

    RESTROOM USE:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

  32. IgottabeMeee

    Ahh. Men lusting after children – attractive isn’t it? My darkened heart sings with glee to see men objectify every other human being but themselves. If I only had a penis I could rule the world …. Muahahahaha.

  33. elliot spitz on himself

    Men (otherwise known as the idiots of the world) are the idiots of the world

  34. Poor kid looks like her dad, which is to say she looks like she woke up late after a week long bender.

  35. JimmyBachaFungool

    I don’t make the rules but there is a line to draw. I’d rather stay on the side I’m on. Shock comments work most of the time but not in the case of minors..that’s all. Please reply starting now how I should shut up..etc..

  36. nipolian

    To me…….she looks like Peppermint Patty.

  37. horrid

    I sure hope this poor bastard doesn’t have any friends… cuz she doesn’t anymore. A horrid thing to do to a 13 yr old.

  38. Get this

    On the homo’s website, there’s a report that if the test comes back and she’s not his daughter, then he’s gonna sue the chick for DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Come on everyone, that’s too ridiculous, laugh with me now.
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  39. Mynheer Peeperkorn

    Michael Lohan is a useless fucking twat that Lindsay needs to cut off like a melanoma.

    I’m not part of her life, and even I can see that Lindsay is part of some ghoulish media conspiracy like Marilyn Monroe. Any real father would rescue her from her predicament. But of course, he’s the one who sold her out in the first place so he could get his jug-eared face into the rags. Michael Lohan is a father all right, the father of lies. Asshole.

  40. sla

    She is a lot cuter and much more innocent-looking than Lindsay’s 30-year-old little sister what’s-her-name. I say they give this Ashley a reality show and can ‘Living Hohan.”

  41. Get this!

    Now he’s trying to sell the results to the highest bidder!
    what a douche.

  42. JimmyBitchaFucktool

    Everyone knows this site resides in the uppermost echelon of classy websites, and comes here for the thoughtful comments and intelligent debates. I’m obviously too stupid to realize that when I whine about something, I’m only going to make it worse, but seriously guys, stop with the mommy-daddy talk about little kids, or I’ll go cry into my Tickle-Me-Elmo some more!

  43. ruprecht

    repopulating the world with douchebags- the lohans and jolie-pitt kids should fight to the death. when theyre adults, of course…

  44. Anonymous

    I’m wondering how Dina is going to try to make some $$$ out of this……..

  45. Bla

    You guys are disgusting talking about fucking a 13 year old. I really gotta vomit now, thanks.

  46. Kate

    No one has commented that this child looks just like Michael Lohan and is undoubtedly his offspring!?!!?!?

  47. Clem

    I will call her Isaiah.

  48. Sarah

    She’s got Michael Lohan’s eyes.

  49. pat

    I haven’t looked at Michael Lohan’s photos closely enough to notice a resemblance. And maybe the woman is simply lying when she said Michael admitted it.

Leave A Comment