Lindsay Lohan’s parents reach divorce settlement

August 20th, 2007 // 32 Comments

This is kind of old news and I wasn’t sure it was worth mentioning, but Dina and Michael Lohan have reached an agreement on their divorce settlement. Us reports:

Though the terms of the agreement were not disclosed, state Supreme Court Justice Robert A. Ross reportedly told the Lohans, ‘You have both demonstrated to me extraordinarily good judgment in resolving this matter as you did.’ Despite today’s events, the Lohans will be in family court on Sept. 6 to determine a custody and visitation agreement for their underage children, 13-year-old Aliana and 11-year-old Dakota.

Granted, Michael Lohan has been in jail for the past two years on DUI and assault charges, the custody battle will be a tough call for any judge. How does one choose between Dina Lohan and an ex-con? During the trial Dina will refer to the younger children as “Lindsay Jr.” and “Mommy’s Little Coke-mule” while Michael drunkenly fights his own chair. The judge will draw a smiley face on his gavel and award it custody of the children. People in the courtroom will applaud. Even the Lohan’s attorneys will cheer and proclaim this to be the greatest judgment in the history of law. A small, wooden hammer instead of our own clients, they’ll say. How do you beat that?


  1. I’m first, but who really gives a shit

  2. Malffy Hernandes


  3. CelebJunky

    Wow…slow news day?

  4. woodhorse

    LOL Fish.

  5. adeliza

    OLD NEWS!!!!!!!!!!

  6. YouRang

    Either way, Dina should get to host a new game show called “Who Wants to be a Crack Whore”


  8. And Necklacing For All!

    See, this is why Dina really is the white Oprah. Except that she actually got her deadbeat guy to marry her at some point. Not much chance of that with Oprah, since she chose a beard with a nigga core. The only way he would have left is if he had fathered a child with her.

  9. edan

    Mommy’s little coke mule!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

  10. combustion8

    looks like someone wiped their ass on dinas arm, sick!!

  11. salty, but not unpleasant

    hmmm…a very different writing style, much more like the olden days than any time in recent memory…hopeful sign? we’ll see…

  12. jc

    hahahahha lohan family is so fucked up
    disgrace to all celebrity’s and human beings in general

  13. Erin

    This is what all white woman is like. They is trashy and fulled of hatred. They sucks so plenty. I am better and classier then those stupid garbage

  14. i_think

    i think people should have to pass an aptitude test & an IQ test before being allowed to reproduce. then we wouldnt have the lindsay coke whore we have now. & compare the gavel’s results w/ the lohans, & the gavel will have passed w/ flying colors

  15. Morning Wood

    #14 – If I were you, I would concentrate my efforts on grammar.
    You may be classy but you have the writing skills of a six year old.
    You can go ahead and toss out the racism too – its to old and way overplayed.

  16. cocaKelli

    14 Erin– Jesus, I can’t tell if this is a stupid bitch typing e a c h l e t t e r very slowly, or some dick in Belize is using Babel Fish to translate “asspipe-to-english.”
    I loves me some ESL, dog.
    Sorry, Belize. Heard you’re nice.

  17. lambman

    Um, how can he thank them, was he being sarcastic? Because by all accounts this was not resolved quickly, easily or effeciently…but instead had them fighting back and forth in the press for years

  18. hollyj

    Erin snuck out of her room at the Republic of Djibouti State Mental Institution to hurriedly type #14 on the nursing station computer.

  19. DK

    Them Lohans is fucked.

  20. Hey, Mr “Reporter” buzz kill,
    There will be a formal ceremony afterwards with coke, pie and punch where Mama will crown herself White Oprah! What sorry excuses for moles do you have?
    Then Daddy Lohan will marry his dog Skeeter… don’t know how much Skeeter has been there for him, ya insensitive cretin!
    HOW can you destroy this day of bliss after all they have been through?


  21. Hippo

    You crack me up, Mr. Super-Fish, keep up the good work!

  22. Pikachelsea

    This is one of the funniest posts ever actually… haha. I wish I had a smiley-face gavel mom.

  23. @14 can you repost that in a language that someone in the known universe actually speaks and recognizes as being grammatically correct? Thanks in advance…ignoramus.

  24. LogiGal

    #16 well said…except that would be too old and way overplayed, but thanks for playing!

  25. A couple hours of photoshop will make your day. Enjoy

  26. lucky7

    Lindsey Lohan’s career is OVER. She can try to act like it ain’t and shit but fuck when it’s over, it’s really over. Hope she saved some money. Oh that’s right. She spent it all on blow. Too fucking bad. Better fill out the McDonald’s application. Wait…that’s something Lindsey needs to work up to. Better make it Arby’s.

  27. cookie monsta

    hmmmmm, popular story much? maybe you shoulda seen the lilo impersonator on youtube, she’s more newsworthy than these two trolls.

  28. Luna

    who cares

  29. karissa

    you fucking idiot. their kids are kody and ali and lindsay. who the fuck is aliana and dakota???? MORON!!!!!!!!
    haha but really who gives a shit, juss sayin

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