Lindsay Lohan’s Italian lover #1 tells all

Alessandro Di Nunzio is revealing the intimate secrets about his night with Lindsay Lohan in Capri. Allesandro was the first man Lindsay hooked up upon arriving in Italy. As Allesandro later found out, he would be the first of three men that entered fire pants within 24 hours. Here’s what he told News of the World:

On Lindsay’s bedroom skills:
“Lindsay was very, very good and surprisingly experienced. She wanted to do everything, every position. She was extremely flexible and adventurous. Naked, she took my breath away. Lindsay is stunning. Her body is absolutely perfect. Flawless. She had an all-over golden tan and a few tattoos. On her right wrist was the word Breathe. She joked it was to remind her to keep breathing. That made me think she was pretty fragile.”

On the day after:
That afternoon, when he was in Rome, she sent him the first of several messages. She wanted to spend New Year’s Eve in the city and asked him to show her around.
But she failed to turn up, saying she had a sprained ankle.

On finding out her “sprained ankle” was an excuse:
“I was hurt and sad when I found out about the other guys. I think that’s the way things are with Lindsay. But she was very sweet and loving in bed. It was a good sex match.”

After learning Lindsay’s vagina is a 24/7 convenience store, I’m hoping Alessandro was “hurt and sad” because he was smart enough to buy a pack of Brillo pads and frantically use them on his nuts. It’s an old Indian trick I picked up at a reservation casino. Thanks for the tip, Puts Wiener Anywhere. You truly are a spirit guide.