Lindsay Lohan shouldn’t be allowed to write

November 22nd, 2006 // 142 Comments

In response to Robert Altman’s death, Lindsay Lohan released a self-written statement yesterday saying:

I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altmans wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.

I feel as if I’ve just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches.

If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman’s wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could..

Robert altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors.

I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career.

I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I’ve had in several years.

The point is, he made a difference.

He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do.

So every day when you wake up.

Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.

The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious.

Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.

Life comes once, doesn’t ‘keep coming back’ and we all take such advantage of what we have.

When we shouldn’t….. ‘

Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves’ (12st book) -everytime there’s a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.

If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I’m one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I’m just a phone call away.

God Bless, peace and love always.

Thank You,


Lindsay Lohan

If you wanna keep kids off drugs just show them this statement and tell them this is how their minds will end up. Did you read it? I read it. Or at least I tried reading it. By the end I thought I was dyslexic. At least she encourages people to shoot for the stars. I mean “Be Adequite“? That’s pretty inspiring advice. Especially for a made up word.


  1. integridad

    drugs are bad.

  2. JungleRed

    Shoot for the stars? I would encourage her to shoot herself in the face. She is so fucking useless. Why does she have to soil poor Altman by association? Keep that stank to yourself. And I think the word the fish guy was going for wasn’t dyslexic. It’s “illiterate.”

  3. integridad

    suddenly paril doesn’t look like such a moron.

  4. integridad

    er… “paris”

  5. Like I said before-he believed her to have a great talent
    and I think he would know what that would look like.
    But truly, she could’t write herself out of a paper bag.
    And by the way, she doesn’t speak to well either.

  6. JungleRed

    God! I’m still so pissed off. Somebody with actual talent drops dead and this irrelevent piece of trash has to pop open her jumbo box of crayolas and start mouthing words out loud while she puts crayon to paper. This outburst is more offensive than Richards or Gibson. I demand an apology.

  7. shelfbeast

    “….to of been able to work with Robert Altman”

    But apparently not lucky enough to HAVE been able to learn to write.

    Christ, a room full of chimps with typewriters could’ve come up with something more coherent.

  8. daisyduke

    ‘He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do’
    errrmmmm No! all of us have the ability to do not lohan shes pretty useless what she meant to say was…
    ‘he left us with the ledgend that all of YOU have the ability to do, not me, im a useless piece of shit, somebody shoot me now before i speak anymore’

  9. Kiki

    “Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves’ (12st book) -everytime there’s a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.”

    WTF is that?? Is she quoting Altman?

    There was not one complete sentence in that whole “press release”. I use quotations only because I’m not really sure what the hell that was. It was like reading something a monkey wrote, only with more spelling mistakes and less grammar structure.

    Lindsay, it doesn’t matter that you’re a moron. Throw some money at someone and get them to write it for you!

  10. Tee hee
    it would have been ”adequite” to proofread the text before release it to the public.. I learned english in my early 20s, what’s her excuse?!

  11. rokes21

    She’s basically the Fredo of Hollywood….

    “I can handle things! I’m smart! Not like everybody says, like dumb! I’m smart and I want respect!” -Fredo Corleone

  12. Charm

    Oh Lindsey, sounding smart was never your thing… It’s ok, apparently just being a trampy semi-star is adequate.

  13. laikiska

    Ok, so this really doesn’t come as a huge surprise… I would not have expected better. In fact, I think I would have been truly astounded had she been more eloquent and grammatically accurate (not to mention the spelling).

  14. minniememe

    Honey, Word has spellcheck and grammarcheck. But you hand wrote that letter the other night with your pink fuzzy pen, laying across your semen-stained sheets and eating a box of Ding-Dongs because, well, that’s what fat Hollywood sluts do late at night after getting trashed. Trash.

  15. laikiska

    And what I forgot to add: I love the way the Fish has chosen an accompanying pic of Lohan trying to look all ‘intellectual’ with those glasses… they are probably ‘poser glasses’ without real lenses. And she needs to be told that for the glasses to have full effect she would need to actually look THROUGH them, not over them…. *grin* ah, she is amusing.

  16. kaerbear

    The really sad thing is, 95% of your readers won’t even get the joke.

  17. laynee

    So assuming she meant Adequate. What does that even mean?! Be just enough?! Be mediocre?

  18. calicojack

    i almost–ALMOST–feel bad. damn lindsay, you make it too easy.
    this disease-ridden hobag wouldn’t know a grammatically correct sentence if it crawled up her ass and shat out herman fucking melville.
    and those glasses aren’t fooling anyone you walking STD

  19. Ruby

    First we’re told to be the best that we can be and then we’re told to “BE ADEQUITE”. I’m fucking confused, Hohan! How can I follow your brilliant advice??

    And using a random ” is fun.
    okay, not really.

  20. caljenna

    12st book? Is that an AA thing? And does this girl not have a PR posse? Personally, I think that is very disrespectful on her part, Robert Altman leaves behind a great legacy in film and she could have at least taken a minute to spellcheck, the stupid bitch.

  21. billy...

    She wants to do Robert Altman! MONSTER!!

  22. pyrococcus

    what a dumbass hobag. she should leave the reading and writing to her publicist and stick to doing things she’s actually good at, like being a no-talent ho. what the fuck was her publicist thinking letting her do that??

  23. If you ever listened to the Howard Stern show when courtney Love was on it before rehab this is EXACTLY what she sounded like.

    The sad thing is….she wasn’t a great friend of the family, she was constantly late to the set and Merril Streep apparently reprimanded her and yet she somehow feels that his family wants to hear from her? And of course she releases the letter to the press to show how compassionate she is.

    What a pathetic druggged up self serving haggered little cooze she is.

  24. mirandawilde

    Maybe she can’t spell, but she’s savvy enough to know that if you put on a pair of glasses, then wa-la, you are smart! s-m-r-t! (Maybe Tina Fey gave her the tip.)

  25. Stick to acting, Hohan, sincerity doesn’t work for you–you’re not even ‘adequite’ at it.

    Doesn’t she have some staff peon who can check her spelling? What a train wreck she is.

  26. overflowingwithopinions

    Ummm… I think that we all agree that Lindsay should save any writing for sidekick messaging, but scrolling through some of these comments makes me realize that Li Lo’s not the only one who is grammatically challenged. Yikes.

  27. girl-with-no-pants

    what the fuck is she saying?

  28. sexybitch

    12st? Which translates to “twelvest”? She obviously has LD injuries from fallling down stairs and/or having her head constantly slammed against the bed headboard.

  29. Binky

    An Altman spokesperson stated the director had been still working and ” rethinking his earlier work – M A S H – after working with Ms Lohan.”
    It was reported ,” The young actress was an inspiration for his updated script – Called S M A S H E D.”

  30. My favorite part is when she using the word “12st”

  31. TheDarkLady

    Use this statement to keep kids off drugs? Please.
    Drugs can’t kill brain cells that didn’t exist in the first place.

  32. herbiefrog

    …thanks babe :)


    we did it :)))

  33. JungleRed

    How does Hohan even work up the nerve to tell people to take a moral inventory of their lives? Her previous statement to the media was a shaved crotch shot, for Christ’s sake! I guess when you only surround yourself with people on your payroll or equally strung-out idiots, no one ever tells your pie hole. Somebody needs to give her a good beating. Tina Fey, are you listening?

  34. JungleRed

    OOOPS, I meant “shut your pie hole.” Damn, that took the stuffing right out of my comment. Damn you, Hohan, shut your pie hole! And your legs, too.

  35. stoplookingatme

    I teach freshman (college) writing to kids about her age and sadly, this is just about right.

  36. I don’t know, I think this is representative of our society as a whole. We are after all ‘dumbing’ down. I catch grammatical and spelling errors all the time on major news source sites. It certainly would behoove us all to remember how to adequately express ourselves.

  37. stoplookingatme

    @38 – For a hilarious take on this “dumbing down” of self expression, see/hear Taylor Mali’s poem “Totally Like Whatever” at

  38. I do too, and it is really annoying!

    My best friend worked as a proofreader for a newspaper–they fired her, ‘phased the job out,’ so they said. No one wants to pay someone to make sure what people read is legible, then they wonder why kids can’t spell things correctly.

    This was just bad, though. She should have had someone check that, seriously.

  39. Sorry … but… are those … red roots ??!!!

  40. buzz_clik

    “So every day when you wake up.”

    “When we shouldn’t….. ‘”

    How could anyone consider these to be fully formed sentences, deserving of their own line?

    There’s a Third World Child ™ that my office sponsors. Well, I didn’t have anything to do with it – letters just keep rocking up to [NAME OF WORKPLACE WITHHELD] . I have no idea how this started or who started it, and now I’m typing about it, it’s made me think I should find out whether this shit’s coming outta my pay.

    But I digress. Periodically, the aforementioned letters are proudly stuck up on a wall in the kitchen for all to see. I’m surprised these missives aren’t put under glass, or have a pair of soft white gloves you have to wear if you want to touch it. I have read a couple of these letters while absentmindedly supping my cup of English Breakfast. And y’know what? I’m pretty sure this kid has a better grasp of the English language than old brickbrain up there.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go do some investigative journalism regarding my finances and a small African child.

    *grabbing blowtorch on the way out*

  41. GG 4.33

    Altman was one of the greatest American filmmakers ever. To date, the only film of Lohan’s I saw all the way through was A Prairie Home Companion, and it wasn’t because of her, trust me. The letter is so badly written, not only grammatically but it just is so incoherent, I’m surprised her publicist let her do it. She may have some genuine remorse, who knows? Altman was the only real filmmaker Lohan ever worked with. It was a new experience for her working with someone who has real talent. All celebrities need to take remedial reading and spelling now!

  42. Assuming she wants everyone to be “adequate”, she’s probably doing the world a favor by encouraging people to only do enough to get by – I mean, why reach for the stars, when you can just as easily reach for a soda, which is much more refreshing than hard work?

    and #42 buzz_clik, I think I like you, if only for making the most non-sequitur, yet completely relevant comment

  43. Sayonara

    it sounds more like she’s trying her best to be overly





  44. assfacecocknocker

    ‘take each moment day by day’?

    Google defines a moment as ‘an indefinitely short time’.

    Hence, i think that lindsay cant even rite good and she is fat and sstupid.

    up yours lindsay!

  45. herbiefrog

    > *grabbing blowtorch on the way out*


    i know…


    …what you mean

    [unfortunately :) ]

    i wonder if i can get my son to do it :)

  46. EHeidiU

    “LINDSAY LOHAN SHOULDN’T BE ALOUD TO WRITE” – love it. i wonder what his family’s reaction was.

  47. Celetina

    Wait a goddamn minute. First she encourages us to REACH FOR THE STARS, then tells us to be “adequite”? What the fuck does she want? Does she not understand what words mean?

  48. krisdylee

    Lordy, she’s a smart one, ain’t she?

  49. G

    Sorry Lindsay but glasses won’t make you smarter than a toothpick.

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