Lindsay Lohan should solve crimes

Lindsay Lohan knows it was her dad who tweeted she has AIDS and not the work of a hacker, according to Page Six:

He’s a grown man and has done the exact same things on TV/interviews, [so] why wouldn’t he lie on Twitter, and everywhere else!” she tweeted. “He just wants money — and he’s using me, my name, my status, my mother, brothers and sister for the cash to pay for [another] wedding.”

When someone whose body is 80% rum, dick and coke is able to deduce you did something, it’s time to pack up your shit and find a new con. To put things in perspective, Ronald McDonald could flash Lindsay for 20 minutes and she’d swear to God she just saw a puppy. Or a shark. — A puppy shark.