Lindsay Lohan just got best Christmas present ever: A bastard half-sister! Thanks, Santa!

December 24th, 2008 // 48 Comments

Lindsay Lohan dropped a yuletide log on her MySpace today. Turns out her dad Michael Lohan fathered a child with a woman he was cheating on Dina Lohan with. No word if the girl is Ashley Kaufman from this summer’s epic “Lohan Love Child” saga, but Christ, I hope so. Otherwise, that means more there’s more of these people out there. *shudder* Anyway, here’s Lindsay bringing the bad news:

i think that people go through a lot in life. and the things that we go through, whatever they may be, simply just make us stronger in the long run… that is, if we actually take what it is we have learned from our mistakes and teach ourselves what NOT to do in the future. i have gone through a lot in my past, and to be completely honest, i am still going through a lot right now.. my father just let my family and i know, amongst others that he had another child after my little sister Aliana, or maybe he had it before Aliana?? either way, he cheated on my mother and that really sucks… MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! wow- do i sound like “debbie downer” or what? not trying to be… but back to the real reason for this blog-i feel like Britney Spears is an amazing talent, and she has gone through a lot, (just as i have) in the public eye.. which is not necessarily a bad thing.. It teaches young girls and boys that there are certain things in life that you should not let get in the way of your dreams and accomplishments. also that you need to take care of yourself before anyone else, and i mean anyone and everyone else. because at the end of the day, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and see who you really are. stripped of all the distractions in life. so YAY Britney for just being you and still following through with your dreams. i know i am a bit late in writing about this record since it came out already, but better late than never!!!! :)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I know your dad’s wandering penis just rained all over your Christmas, but that’s no reason to compare yourself to Britney Spears. Try to see the glass as half-full. (Of gin, if necessary.) You only went to rehab. She had to hand over her kid to the fucking SWAT team. That’s like trying to compare apples and oranges. Or fake lesbians and human vacuum cleaners that only suck up Whoppers and crazy.

Photos: Splash News
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  1. king of you all

    omg first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

  2. Jeff W.

    It’s for reasons such as this that Lindsay has borderline personality disorder.

  3. It's Me Fuckers!!

    welcome to the real world Lindsay. This happens everyday to people. But unlike you, real people don’t have the money to coke themselves out and forget what evil cunts like her father and my father and my ex really are for being selfish bastards and tearing apart families for the enjoyment of their own cocks. Merry fuckin Christmas cunts.

  4. Ted from Stillwater

    I’ll bet the kid could write better than Lindsay in pre-kindergarten. Mammas don’t let your babies grow up to be dipshits.

    Merry Christmas.

  5. dork

    Cool, maybe Lindsay will shave her head for Christmas!

  6. Taylor

    Her Hair Extensions are starting to become unglued as well.

  7. Randal

    Lindsay,

    I know it is a tough time, going through a fight with Samantha and learning your dad fathered a bastard offspring, but, remember, this is a time of joy and forgiveness. The bad weather that is upon you will soon pass and, I know, your days will be bright and sunny.

    Just keep taking your meds, going to your therapist and, whenever you fight with Samantha, don’t take it out on anyone but her. Give her a good bitch slap and you’ll feel tons better!

    Remember, there’s nothing like a good lesbian cat fight to relieve that stress and make your wet kisses all the sweeter!

    Yours always,

    Randal

  8. Jupiter Girl

    Somebody get this girl some schooling! She cannot write for shit! And her extensions are t000 much in this pic.

  9. mike

    I love lilo i cannt get enough of her….

  10. Pathetic Worm

    Ageing MILFs browsing through the brochure in their local plastic surgery clinic point to a pic of Lindz and say “I want to look like that, please.”

  11. Binky

    Well, families can be a challenge sometimes I suppose…
    And so can girlfriends…
    Actually – just getting up out of bed has been challenging for me lately..
    In any event – Merry Christmas !!
    (And a special ‘shout-out’ to those of you keeping score at home.)

  12. lizzy

    she looks hot. i’d munch her fire crotch.

  13. lindsay is so pretty. leave her alone.

  14. lindsay is so pretty. leave her alone.

  15. This Poster

    Anyone posting after This Poster sucks on Michael Lohan’s leprechaun penis

  16. xylo

    michael lohan is a waste of sperm. if it wasn’t for lindsay becoming famous, i don’t even want to know how this fucked up family would have ended up

  17. Cartman

    Yeah, she’s pretty… pretty fuckin crazy.

  18. gaga

    Funny how she compares herself to Britney Spears or Marilyn Monroe! This loser hasn’t even accomplished much. She is only known for that shitty Parent Trap role and her clubbing. Look at Scarlett, then look at her. LOL. Filthy firecrotch whore. Someone should slaughter the Lohans. Merry Christmas!

  19. jt

    lin-lin — can have your jacket?

  20. Chelsea

    the extension is dangling.

  21. This Poster = Michael Lohan

    This Poster = Michael Lohan. Be easy on him…he was not blessed in that department and uses the internet to find women or men who are interested in tiny penises. He has yet to find any takers.

  22. I think theres a fish after smell on that upper lip,,,its the only way you can garner that facial expression

  23. I have to say her hair looks hot.. except that one strand that appears to have come lose..

  24. ele

    =O i love her hair !

  25. The “CHEATER-FAMILY” is complete now, folks?

  26. This Poster

    Ah, just disregard my post #15; I’m just obsessed with leprechaun penis.

  27. friendlyfires

    I salute the firecrotch, may her flame forever burn, meet your halfsy sister, adopt her and kick your dumbass irish dad in his dumbass irish nuts and continue your glorious chaos before jamie spears is court ordered to rein you in.

  28. Kayla

    *sigh* What does this girl have against capital letters at the beginning of sentences?

  29. Hair looks great…except for that ONE EXTENSION falling out :-( The color matches better than ever and it is styled very well, but WTF?

    LINDSAY I WILL DO YOUR EXTENSIONS, THEY WILL LOOK GREAT AND NOT FALL OUT. I don’t even double my prices for celebrities, like most Hollywood stylists :)

    http://www.jordanalorraine.com

  30. Hair looks great…except for that ONE EXTENSION falling out :-( The color matches better than ever and it is styled very well, but WTF?

    LINDSAY I WILL DO YOUR EXTENSIONS, THEY WILL LOOK GREAT AND NOT FALL OUT. I don’t even double my prices for celebrities, like most Hollywood stylists :)

    http://www.jordanalorraine.com

  31. ewwwww thats pretty bad for a christmas present ,bombshell dropped on the door right there

  32. BOXING DAY SALES!
    click on my name to get online coupon codes to Baby Phat, Roccowear, Ben Sherman, Amiclubwear and more

  33. Janie

    who cares? Is she a child soldier in Sierra Leone? Is she a Jew is German occupied France? No and No- Stop winging and do something for someone other than yourself you winging talentless waste of space!

  34. That’s some luxurious looking hair, except that lock that’s escaping below her waist. She’s looking cool even with a hole in her pants.

    Michael Lohan seems to be sub-human filth.

  35. Amber

    Um . . .Am I the only one that noticed her weave falling out on the bottem?!?!?!? EEWWW

  36. Taylor

    No Amber, you are not the only one.. I said that (#6) Her hair X-tensions are becoming Unglued.
    What did u think I meant?

  37. Eva

    Randal… once again… another fine post!

    Personally, I feel she lost that lovely glow she once possessed.

  38. janice power

    maybe Lindsay should try being herself #1 take away all the fake shit and that is that hair that is getting really bad, try having your own head of hair like the rest of the world, stop writing your life for the world to get involved and if you do have a half sister open your arms to her it is not her fault and just because your dad cheated they have not been together for a long time so it is up to you and your family to stick together, no reason for a family to fall apart because yoour dad is not there you are an adult make adult decisions, get your shit together come out in 2009 looking like a new Lindsay get all that fake shit off your head and get out there and do what you do best…………..

  39. gwenda

    Did you ever notice that one random strand of hair being 4 inches too long…. *cough* fake hair*cough*

  40. gwenda

    Did you ever notice that one random strand of hair being 4 inches too long…. *cough* fake hair*cough*

  41. I wonder if Lindsey is filming anything or if she is just another unemployed washed up actor who almost killed herself. She should just go film a reality show already.

  42. HO HO HO’s gunna have a Lohan baby! Good luck with that drama….

  43. D

    One piece of her extension is falling off!!!!!!

    But I love her hair, no wonder it’s so gorgeous, she had help haha

  44. woodhorse

    Hey Randall, this is kind of sappy so I need your sappy second opinion. I think Lindsey would settle down with one man only none of her boyfriends have ever been in love with her. I think she is super needy in the attention department and drives them all off. Hence the sucessful? lesbian relationship because Sam thrives on being a supplier of attention. Disaster will strike when Lindsey finds a peen source that half-way promises true love. Thoughts, dear one?

  45. Doobage

    wow Fish that was actually really fuckin funny. You made me laugh for the first time, like, ever.

  46. Sean D.

    LiLo’s rockin’ some bad-ass Sebastian Bach-style locks these days.

  47. AmeriCanadian

    For once, I feel sorry for Lindsay. My good-for-nothin’ biological father is a 3 time loser at marriage and had a kid with his third wife (they are divorced now) so when I was 26 (I think) I ended up with a half-sibling. To add insult to injury, I was an only child before that.

  48. Lindsay Welcome to the real world. It happens to people everyday. But unlike real people you do not have the money for themselves out of coke and forget my father and my father and my ex like a really selfish evil bastards cunts and cocks to enjoy their families torn apart to be are. Merry Christmas fuckin cunts.

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