Lindsay Lohan is innocent

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In the shocker of all shockers, Lindsay Lohan claims she’s innocent and that the cocaine found in her pocket wasn’t hers. She was asked by Access Hollywood if there was anything she wanted to get out there about her arrest and she responded via email:

“Yes. I am innocent… did not do drugs they’re not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin’s mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy.”

To be fair, I carry around other people’s cocaine in my pockets all the time. Sometimes I even carry it around in my nose. That’s true friendship, man. You wouldn’t even understand. Besides, she was pulled over drunk and driving and carrying drugs in her pocket. The only way she could be any less innocent is if she was also carrying a knife with a severed head attached to it.