Lindsay Lohan and Avril Lavigne are bar-brawling now

Because debilitating alcoholism is pointless without catfights, Lindsay Lohan and Avril Lavigne are apparently arch-enemies now, according to Page Six:

An eyewitness told Page Six: “Avril was at a table with friends just over a week ago including her boyfriend, Brody Jenner, when Lindsay came over to say hi.
“But as soon as she approached, Avril launched at her and said: ‘Get the hell out of my face, you are fake, you are a loser. I don’t like false people. Stay away from me and my friends.’
“Lindsay was furious and screamed back: ‘Don’t threaten me!’ She then stormed off to security and tried to get them to kick Avril out. They refused to force Avril to leave. Lindsay eventually stormed off.”
Sources tell us that the feud kicked off when Lohan snubbed Lavigne at an event — but sidled up to her acting friendly once Lavigne was sitting with a group at the Chateau Marmont days later.

Here’s how I know this is bullshit:

1. The only thing Lindsay Lohan “snubs” is the voice in her head that says “Maybe you shouldn’t touch that guy’s wiener.”
2. That’s an incredibly detailed account of everyone’s exact words in a crowded bar. Unless the eyewitness is a court stenographer which confirms my theory those people are nothing but drunks pretending to type really fast. I knew it.

Photos: Splash News