Lindsay Lohan Will Beat Theft Charges

February 10th, 2011 // 86 Comments

Seen here giving so much fuck our fuck-buckets have brimmeth over with fuck, Lindsay Lohan was arraigned in court yesterday (above) on felony grand theft charges for allegedly stealing a $2,500 necklace. I completely missed the entire courtroom hub-bub while out of town, and feel richer for it, but here’s the latest info in case anyone actually believes she’ll go to jail and more importantly, we can never speak of this again:

- The jewelry store owners are now sad the situation has “turned out this way.” In their defense, how were they supposed to know reporting a celebrity to the police actually would result in charges? They want their California back!

- Apparently Lindsay has “absentmindedly” left with jewelry from the same store before. Except this information mostly proves her mind is completely gone because she’ll leave her own, more expensive jewelry behind. Not exactly the markings of a master thief as much as a drug addict, and honestly, I’d buy that defense. “Your honor, my client has been doing coke since she was eight. We caught her eating a shoe just yesterday.”

- And just now, TMZ reports the police report has two major inconsistencies in it because the jewelry store changed their story.

But, hey, don’t get discouraged. She’ll steal, lie, snort run over a baby again and then we can all watch in shock and horror as an entire legal system shits itself trying to convict a simple drug addict. It’s how our forefathers always wanted it.

BEN FRANKLIN: So, this court business, my dear Jefferson, how shall we proceed?
THOMAS JEFFERSON: It shall pertain to all manner of citizen, from poor to rich alike, except for those seized by opium and in possession of freckled titties all asunder. In which case, nothing short of pure blunder and tomfoolery will suffice, making such mockery of the system one may never trust in its benevolence again. Did I mention the titties?
BEN FRANKLIN: Hear, hear!

Photos: Flynet, Getty, Splash News


  1. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    She has body karate in this one. Almost like mean girls body.


  2. Lohan, seen here having just set the record for most times having “and this time I mean it” read into the record by a judge…..

  3. Alex

    She’s obviously stealing jewelry to trade for drugs. I wish for once someone would just do what’s “right” and help her help herself by sending her to real prison instead of selling themselves out for money. Teenagers are going to look at this and try to steal crap, but when they get caught, they won’t get away with it like Lindsay can do over and over again.

  4. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    It’ll be great when she gets into porn – which will happen soon.

  5. Lindsay and the court have something in common.
    Neither of them do dick.

  6. Lindsay Lohan
    Honest Abe
    Commented on this photo:

    I had lost all interest in her untill this picture. Holy Crap!! I’d stand in line behind the judge & her lawyer to do her if she kept the dress and shoes on!

  7. smokey

    The spoiled little b***h. Theyn aught lock her up and throw away the key until she settles down. As long as she has her parents to back her up she will never grow up.

  8. Lindsay Lohan
    Honest Abe
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s smiling because she thinks the camera man is focusing under the table at her shaved raisin.

  9. Love Lindsay (cant help it)

    Look at that innocent smile in the first pic-who could think anything except butterflies, rainbow, unicorns and puppies when gazing into those eyes

    • smash

      REALY? all i see is a drug fueled narcisist who deserves to rot in hell… maybe you gals can be friends there?

  10. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:


  11. ChonchArcola

    Lord Smuggerton….meet Lady Smugcuntington.

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