Lindsay Lohan Will Beat Theft Charges

Seen here giving so much fuck our fuck-buckets have brimmeth over with fuck, Lindsay Lohan was arraigned in court yesterday (above) on felony grand theft charges for allegedly stealing a $2,500 necklace. I completely missed the entire courtroom hub-bub while out of town, and feel richer for it, but here’s the latest info in case anyone actually believes she’ll go to jail and more importantly, we can never speak of this again:

- The jewelry store owners are now sad the situation has “turned out this way.” In their defense, how were they supposed to know reporting a celebrity to the police actually would result in charges? They want their California back!

- Apparently Lindsay has “absentmindedly” left with jewelry from the same store before. Except this information mostly proves her mind is completely gone because she’ll leave her own, more expensive jewelry behind. Not exactly the markings of a master thief as much as a drug addict, and honestly, I’d buy that defense. “Your honor, my client has been doing coke since she was eight. We caught her eating a shoe just yesterday.”

- And just now, TMZ reports the police report has two major inconsistencies in it because the jewelry store changed their story.

But, hey, don’t get discouraged. She’ll steal, lie, snort run over a baby again and then we can all watch in shock and horror as an entire legal system shits itself trying to convict a simple drug addict. It’s how our forefathers always wanted it.

BEN FRANKLIN: So, this court business, my dear Jefferson, how shall we proceed?
THOMAS JEFFERSON: It shall pertain to all manner of citizen, from poor to rich alike, except for those seized by opium and in possession of freckled titties all asunder. In which case, nothing short of pure blunder and tomfoolery will suffice, making such mockery of the system one may never trust in its benevolence again. Did I mention the titties?
BEN FRANKLIN: Hear, hear!

Photos: Flynet, Getty, Splash News