Lindsay Lohan Will Beat Theft Charges

February 10th, 2011 // 86 Comments

Seen here giving so much fuck our fuck-buckets have brimmeth over with fuck, Lindsay Lohan was arraigned in court yesterday (above) on felony grand theft charges for allegedly stealing a $2,500 necklace. I completely missed the entire courtroom hub-bub while out of town, and feel richer for it, but here’s the latest info in case anyone actually believes she’ll go to jail and more importantly, we can never speak of this again:

- The jewelry store owners are now sad the situation has “turned out this way.” In their defense, how were they supposed to know reporting a celebrity to the police actually would result in charges? They want their California back!

- Apparently Lindsay has “absentmindedly” left with jewelry from the same store before. Except this information mostly proves her mind is completely gone because she’ll leave her own, more expensive jewelry behind. Not exactly the markings of a master thief as much as a drug addict, and honestly, I’d buy that defense. “Your honor, my client has been doing coke since she was eight. We caught her eating a shoe just yesterday.”

- And just now, TMZ reports the police report has two major inconsistencies in it because the jewelry store changed their story.

But, hey, don’t get discouraged. She’ll steal, lie, snort run over a baby again and then we can all watch in shock and horror as an entire legal system shits itself trying to convict a simple drug addict. It’s how our forefathers always wanted it.

BEN FRANKLIN: So, this court business, my dear Jefferson, how shall we proceed?
THOMAS JEFFERSON: It shall pertain to all manner of citizen, from poor to rich alike, except for those seized by opium and in possession of freckled titties all asunder. In which case, nothing short of pure blunder and tomfoolery will suffice, making such mockery of the system one may never trust in its benevolence again. Did I mention the titties?
BEN FRANKLIN: Hear, hear!

Photos: Flynet, Getty, Splash News


  1. hmna

    I need to become famous so I can do whatever the hell I want without consequences.

  2. Deacon Jones

    If I was a cop there yesterday, I wouldve ripped her dress off and started groping her in front of everyone

  3. Gerbil in my Butt

    Smug little bitch. Raising her middle finger at the American “justice” system. What a joke.

    • Wipin' wit my hand

      No the elites are resposible for this corruption, she is another mindless puppet. All is farce. We are the cows or mindless masses of peasants. Sorry.

  4. RoboZombie

    Hmmm..I have a vision of that Sheriff’s Deputy behind “administering some justice”

  5. Jimbo

    She still has duck lips. And saggy tits

  6. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    THose are some big jugs.

  7. Lindsay Lohan
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    The figure is quite nice, but she’s ruined her very fair ginger skin. What a shame about this talented young woman. She has bad friends & worse judgement.

  8. Juano

    Still waiting for White Oprah to show up on the Today Show to explain how Lindsey is being persecuted. ‘Course she doesn’t get the difference between prosecution and persecution, but since no Lohan ever actually is responsible for their actions, it makes perfect sense.

  9. Damn’t, will this bitch ever get lock up. What does she have to do to get put away. I guess I will have to wait till she over doses.

  10. Aaaaand there’s why: amazingly, she can STILL pull the boobs trick.

  11. Did she do the Basic Instinct “Leg Cross” halfway through the proceedings?
    If Justice wasn’t blind before it sure as hell is now…

  12. Dave ain't here, man

    I believe Ben Franklin meant to say, “Hear, hear.”

  13. LJ

    So the Jewelry Store owner is getting the $25K check to change the story on this one.

    Of course the Lab Tech at Betty Ford made out better, as she got both the $25K check from TMZ, and then the $25K check from the Lohan camp not to file charges.

  14. Hm, so that’s what a “shit-eating grin” looks like. I’ve learned something today!

  15. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    great tits!!

  16. jojo

    Someone needs to kick the smugness off her face because as we all know
    (heavy accent) “Smugness is not a good quality.”

  17. Lindsay Lohan
    Love her (I cant help myself)
    Commented on this photo:

    She cleans up pretty well when you think of what a train wreck she can be……she still knows how to pull the boobs over everyones eyes. See the coy innocent look that she tosses around when needed. She still can act when given the chance.

  18. Bill Clinton's zipper

    MMM, I think she has great lips!

  19. Frobz

    Funny what passes for “justice” in California. Every time one of these smug little wastes-of-DNA gets hauled in they turn it into a damned fashion walk.

    Exactly WHY is she famous? I thought she was going broke.

  20. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    WTF?? She looks like the grinch

  21. Yeezy's Son

    Damn Lindsay still looks good. Ladies forget the gym. Just do lines and lines of coke.

  22. Great White Pygmy

    I’m not sure but I think I want to be in her “Jury Box”

  23. Patrick

    Klepto? absent-minded? How about “selective amnesia”? This pretending to forget is growing so old. And she’ll walk……

  24. CC

    F this giant freckle with tits!!! Put this flatcocker in jail, she will come out a better fur trader!

  25. dennisdamenace

    Of course she’ll beat the charges, she’s Hollywood’s female Al Capone.

    She laughs every time some new assistant District Attorney tries to make a name for himself and charge her with something.

  26. Lindsay Lohan
    Satan's bitch
    Commented on this photo:

    How DARE he call me a criminal! Didn’t he see how great my tits look in this dress?! What EVARRRRRR.

  27. her boobies jiggled nice when she walked into the courthouse yesterday. not a lot, just enough to say hi i’m here :-) scrumptious~

  28. Burt

    Fish, don’t you know that just because it’s on TMZ, it’s not necessarily true? TMZ, after all, is owned by Time-Warner. Yes, not exactly the most unbiased source for entertainment news.

    • peter o'tool

      If it’s not TMZ, the source is usually “an unnamed insider” or whatever the hell…par for the course, my man…

  29. The whole “I didn’t steal it, I’m just absentminded” excuse doesn’t hold a lot of water. Forgetting you had something on and leaving with it is one thing…KEEPING it until the cops are on their way to your house is the part that you can’t really argue with.

  30. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    I would smack those guns like a retard in a room full of bouncy balls.

  31. anonymoose

    who exactly is this freak’s lawyer?

    • Satan's bitch

      From her bio at the KWIKA website: “Shawn Chapman Holley is a partner at Kinsella Weitzman Iser Kump & Aldisert LLP, a boutique entertainment and business litigation firm in Santa Monica. She began her career as a Los Angeles County Public Defender…She was a highly visible member of the O.J. Simpson defense team…Ms. Holley most recently represented Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, Michelle Rodriquez, the Kardashian sisters, Shemar Moore, and “CSI” star, Gary Dourdan, in their highly-publicized court cases. Her clients have included accused Symbionese Liberation Army bomber Sara Jane Olson, celebrated Black Panther leader Geronimo Pratt, entertainers Michael Jackson, Tupac Shakur, Snoop Dogg, The Game, Axl Rose, Jesse McCartney and athletes Mike Tyson, “Sugar” Ray Leonard and Reggie Bush.”

      She’s a celebrity litigation whore. But it’s a living!

  32. Coke Booger

    Another one bites the dust. (Pun intended).

  33. krutboo

    mmmmm, she HAS to be a fun thing to fuck

  34. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    What a beautiful dress. I wonder if she’s wearing a bra.

    • Deryn

      Um, yeah, you said that already.

      You can look at that carefully crafted “now imagine me handcuffed here” pose and still be wondering about her bra?

  35. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    What a pretty dress. I wonder is she’s wearing a bra?

  36. Ruth

    Fish, you should get some sort of award for masterful photograph and headline pairing.

  37. suck it

    I used to like her, but I hate this useless bitch now. I am just waiting for the OD. She is obviously disturbed and a menace to society. She needs to be in jail for a few months.
    Fucking celebrity judicial system is a joke.

  38. babooda

    This is a new twist on the “Lindsanity Defense”: “Your honor, my client cannot be held responsible for theft of the jewelry in question because she always leaves her own more expensive jewelry behind when she does this. So, technically speaking, the store was paid for their cheaper necklace. By the way, did I mention that my clients necklace which she left behind was more expensive than the one she is accused of stealing, thus proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is a mental case.”

  39. Bill Clinton's zipper

    I would like to introduce those lips to the presidential unit ! My flag is flying at full staff!

  40. Joe Blow

    Did she steal the Viva paper towels to make that dress?

  41. regina

    I just love her face, its saying “i love how i can do anything and get away with it”, well either that or “where am I? and where is my cocaine and vodka, mom!!?”

  42. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    Even though she’s had more dicks in her than a Richard Cheney convention, single me would hit that… of course single me lives in a land of pixies and gnomes and is only too happy to throw rocks at married me…

  43. Andrea

    Snipe all you want, she wore that dress and now it’s flying off the racks (no pun intended). You can’t do that.

  44. little ol' me

    I know half the board is going to disagree with me; but I think she’s worried. If you look past the trout pout and look in her eyes you can see the worry. I also think when all is said and done she’ll end up copping to a misdemeanor plea deal and end up serving 90-120 days in PRISON boot-camp.

  45. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    I like those jugs, please rub them in my face.

  46. Jesus, if I was this broad, I would try to steal…I don’t know…The Hope Diamond or Fort Knox? Why? Because even if I got caught, I’d still get a plea bargain that didn’t include jail. This isn’t star power. Robert Downey can vouch for that one. This is boob power. Pure boob power. I rest my case.

  47. dR

    Cocaine’s a helluva drug.

  48. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    oh you found me a truck full of blow? I love you.

  49. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    and i am showing off my engagement ring from my boyfriend, Manny E. Quin. He’s a real boon in the fashion industry.

  50. Lindsay Lohan
    Frank The Godfather
    Commented on this photo:

    I hope that whomever guy with a big schlong she is dating is giving her advice to start being a good person. Her eyes are so twisted.

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