Lindsay Lohan Is Available For Weddings And Bar Mitzvahs Now. No, Really.

By: The Superficial / December 17, 2012

And now for that special time of the week when we see just how much shittier Lindsay Lohan‘s life managed to get over the weekend, and I think you’ll all agree I zeroed in on the correct fail horizon instead of going with Charlie Sheen and why she didn’t thank him because her phone broke and thinking a letter from her “spiritual advisor” will keep her out of jail. Lesser men would’ve died trying to make this call. Page Six reports:

A talent company claiming to represent the troubled actress wants us to know their client is available for weddings and Bat Mitzvahs.
Page Six received an email pitch from 123Talent with the subject line “Book One of Hollywood’s Biggest Movie Stars Lindsay Lohan Now!” offering us the opportunity to request the presence of Lohan herself at whatever event or venue.

“Dude, what happened at your Bar Mitzvah? Your dad took you back into that room and when you came out you were crying and wouldn’t sit near anybody.”
“I don’t want to talk about it…”
“C’mon, my dad says he wants to throw me one exactly like yours. You have to tell me.”
“Fine. There was this old lady smoking back there, and my dad made do.. stuff so I’d ‘become a man.’ Gross stuff. He said she was famous, but I’d never seen her before in my life. She looked like that Emma Stone chick from Spider-Man but like her mom or something.”
“Wait. What do you mean gross stuff?”
“Seriously, can we not talk about this? I just want to sit in the corner and shiver until I go to college.”

Shorter Version: RUN, JEWISH CHILDREN. RUN LIKE THE WIND!

Photos: Getty