Lindsay Lohan Is Available For Weddings And Bar Mitzvahs Now. No, Really.

December 17th, 2012 // 41 Comments
YUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!
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And now for that special time of the week when we see just how much shittier Lindsay Lohan‘s life managed to get over the weekend, and I think you’ll all agree I zeroed in on the correct fail horizon instead of going with Charlie Sheen and why she didn’t thank him because her phone broke and thinking a letter from her “spiritual advisor” will keep her out of jail. Lesser men would’ve died trying to make this call. Page Six reports:

A talent company claiming to represent the troubled actress wants us to know their client is available for weddings and Bat Mitzvahs.
Page Six received an email pitch from 123Talent with the subject line “Book One of Hollywood’s Biggest Movie Stars Lindsay Lohan Now!” offering us the opportunity to request the presence of Lohan herself at whatever event or venue.

“Dude, what happened at your Bar Mitzvah? Your dad took you back into that room and when you came out you were crying and wouldn’t sit near anybody.”
“I don’t want to talk about it…”
“C’mon, my dad says he wants to throw me one exactly like yours. You have to tell me.”
“Fine. There was this old lady smoking back there, and my dad made do.. stuff so I’d ‘become a man.’ Gross stuff. He said she was famous, but I’d never seen her before in my life. She looked like that Emma Stone chick from Spider-Man but like her mom or something.”
“Wait. What do you mean gross stuff?”
“Seriously, can we not talk about this? I just want to sit in the corner and shiver until I go to college.”

Shorter Version: RUN, JEWISH CHILDREN. RUN LIKE THE WIND!

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. Dick Hell

    Of course, by the time she shows up your kid will be 14.

  2. The Most Interesting

    Worst 25 bucks you’ll ever spend.

  3. I’m going to hire her to drive around LA and distract the authorities while I rob banks.

  4. As if the holocaust wasn’t bad enough!

  5. Milkman

    There goes the bar tab–oy vey!

  6. “Have a, have a tequila, the whore will feel ya, and you’ll become, a man. . .”

  7. Schmidtler

    Why would anyone pay Lohan to appear at their kids’ bar mitzvah – you know damn well she won’t show up on time, if at all. Just burn the money instead, and save your kid from a bad case of the clap.

  8. Cock Dr

    I can only hope that this drunken, mentally ill waste of tits stays off the roads this merry holiday season.

  9. Carl Spackler

    Wonder how much for a freckled “tweener”?
    will there be a group rate at a bar – mitzvah?

  10. karlito

    i guess the new thing in Hollywood now will be Bar Mitzvahs blow jobs performed by the one and only LiLo.

  11. I’m not interested in her smoked salmon.

  12. Bernard Goldbloom

    Swallows for lines of coke , ask me how I know !

  13. The Page Six report says “weddings and Bat Mitzvahs,” which would indicate Jewish girls only. Like Samantha Ronson.

  14. Lindsay Lohan Organice Your Life Annual Holiday Party
    Mumra The Ever Living
    Commented on this photo:

    Those sores on her lips are coming along nicely.

  15. It actually says “Bat Mitzvah”…that’s for the girls. Not that Lindsay would shy away from girl/girl action. It’ll just cost you another $25 and a bottle of Tanqueray for Mommy Dearest.

    • Tanqueray? If I’m paying an extra $25 to have my little-girl-who-is-now-a-woman recruited into lesbianism, Dina will take this bottle of Beefeater and like it!

      Did I say “recruited into lesbianism”? I’m sorry, I meant “scared straight.”

  16. Man, she is looking ROUGH!

  17. Lindsay Lohan Organice Your Life Annual Holiday Party
    Happy_Evil_Dude
    Commented on this photo:

    Rewatched Mean Girls today. This is just so sad. She had so much potential and even if she somehow pulls a Downey it son’t be the same.

  18. Lindsay Lohan Organice Your Life Annual Holiday Party
    Commented on this photo:

    You heard it here folks. Lindsay Lohan’s vagina is the next Holocaust.

  19. Glad to hear Lindsay is available for Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. I’m gonna see if I can get her for my my son’s Cub Scout Troop 89′s Annual Holiday Goat Fuckin’ next week. Attendance will be even bigger than last year. Admission is free, but bring some cookies.

  20. Sardonic

    Can I trade up for the IKEA Monkey? More fun and less mess.

  21. …because nothing makes you really feel like a man like turning down the drunken sexual advances of a has-been firecrotch.

  22. logan

    Wouldn’t hire her for and end of times Mayan bash. Want something a little fresher, a little less used and a little less plastic. Sorry Lins, I hear McDonalds is hiring. Scratch that, you will need to do a drug test.

  23. What would she actually *do* at the Bat Mitzvah and/or wedding? At least washed up bands that play at county fairs can actually still play music.

  24. What an idiot

    “Now available; celebrity blowjobs & anal sex – Lindsay BLOWhan!” Geezus, how pathetic…

  25. needAnAlias

    I’d rather book Mo Collins, who is also an actress represented by 123Talent, than Lindsay Lohan. No seriously Lindsay once you come down from your high horse, I’ll take you back.

  26. when is Steven Hirsch gonna step in and save the day?

  27. KC

    At lest she’s finally being realistic about her job prospects.

  28. anonym

    $100 ? Alright. Suck my dick and swallow my jizz.

    Come again? You want $100,000?
    Get the fuck outta here.
    No one is going to hire a double chinned talentless flatass hoe for a bday party or wedding. There’s a 99% chance you’d fuck it up.
    You can’t even say your lines correctly on SNL or any other show. Fat chance I’m going to let you say anything at the wedding.

  29. Lindsay Lohan Organice Your Life Annual Holiday Party
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    she is about 80% down the long slide to obscurity

  30. kery

    she is so wasted and stupid i cant believe she is doing that for a job ;D

  31. duh pay attention

    Unless you made a typo, it says BAT Mitzvahs, specifically. That is what we Jewish GIRLS have when we are 13-ish. So specifically, she’s unwilling to entertain pubescent ~boys.~

  32. Rapsutin's Evil Twin

    And I thought CLOWNS were creepy. This is far worse.

    She should be getting the call from the porn producers by the 10th of January, if she’s still alive.

  33. Matt

    wow. This article is fucking rude.

  34. Ganstapa

    With all of her faults and short-comings, I must admit, she is good at something….getting away with fu#*’d up shyt , dodging rehab, and, staying out of jail. She’s got those skills, which will probably be the death of her.

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