Lindsay Lohan Can’t Walk Because She Has A Virus, You Guys

“Oh, no, my virus came back! That’s what’s happening here!”

Shortly before New Year’s, Lindsay Lohan was trolling for attention by saying she caught some sort of rare tropical mosquito virus because chlamydic discharge isn’t the sexy headline it used to be anymore. That’s how far we’ve fallen because of these goddamn kids and their fleek. (I don’t know what that means.). Except now she totally can’t walk, you guys, and like for real had to check into a hospital. She could die. Or be sent packing in an hour. Either one. TMZ reports:

We’re told Lindsay was just released from the hospital because her fever broke sufficiently, but her joint pain is still intense and doctors referred her to a specialist who treats the virus. We’re also told Lindsay’s mom Dina is on her way to London to be with her.

In related news, Lindsay Lohan now has a rare fungal infection that causes a white powder to appear around her nose. It’s symptoms included slurred speech, pathological lying, and kleptomaniacism. Fortunately, there’s a cure, and it’s putting the penis of international businessmen into her mouth in exchange for money and/or jewels. Her doctor was very specific, and a Saudi prince who can’t ejaculate without a mask on. He knows his shit.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFphoto, Splash News, Xposure/AKM-GSI