Lindsay Lohan Wants To Laser Off Her Freckles

June 13th, 2014 // 35 Comments
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Thanks to her incredible talent for agreeing to show up at charity events then not showing up once the check clears, Lindsay Lohan now has the perfect combination of time and money to have every single freckle on her body removed because who needs a natural camouflage for herpes? Am I right? I’m right. Radar reports:

“Lindsay is known for trying new things, but she’s shocked friends and family members by suddenly getting irate over her freckles,” a source said.
“She’s always loved her freckles – well, pretended to, anyway – but now she’s decided it’s time to get rid of them and she’s looking into having them either bleached or lasered away,” the source added.

As for how long something like this might take, a plastic surgeon told me it can be done in under a decade as long as everyone agrees to only look for Waldo and not The Wizard or the key. (There was a debate over finding the scroll, but was settled after a team found it under her left tit. There were no survivors.)

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  1. I think we should take off and nuke the freckles from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

  2. JC

    I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on the internet, but isn’t it more or less impossible to laser off 45% of one’s epidermis? I feel like when you have burns like that from an accident, the doctors pretty much let you die out of mercy.

    • Not a doctor either—I’d ask McBeef, but he’s been particularly pissy lately—but I don’t think depigmentation constitutes “lasering off your epidermis.”

      • JC

        Probably a moot point. I feel like even a Dr. Nick-level of sleazy cosmetic surgeon won’t take blowjobs in exchange for tens of thousands of dollars (at least) of work.

      • JC, you just need to appreciate the barter system more. She gives blowjobs to rich hôteliers for coke, sells the coke for cash, uses the cash to pay the doctor. The only potential flaw is if she forgets the second part and snorts the coke, which you know is exactly what’s going to happen. “Goddamnit, I was supposed to sell that! But mmmmm, coke.”

      • Jessica

        As someone who has had laser surgery [hair removal] I can tell you first hand it does indeeed burn off part of the top layer of your skin. You can smell it while it’s being done. It smells very similar to when the dentist is drilling your teeth.

      • Was the procedure painful? How long was the recovery time?

      • Jessica

        I had my legs done by a dermatologist. I didn’t feel comfortable going to a salon or day spa for what is in essence minor surgery. It does sting while they’re doing it. They tell you it will fell like someone snapping your skin with a rubber band; but for me it felt more like one of those wide, thick bands they use to hold broccoli crowns together. A topical anesthetic did help numb some of the pain, but you can still feel it. The procedure itself took about 25 minutes.

        Immediately after the treatment my legs felt like they had gotten slightly sunburned, and I had light rash on them for about three days afterwards. The following day my legs did itch a bit. The after effects weren’t painful, but you were aware you had the procedure done.

      • Sounds like women can handle that level of pain. The men would scream.

  3. Cock Dr

    It’s as good excuse as any to run those boob photos again.
    I’m sure we’ll see ‘em again here for the Lohan boob memorial blog entry when she finally dies.

  4. I like her freckles. Redheads are sexy. Lindsay used to be the sexiest redhead, before she fucked it up. Now I think Jessica Chastain has that title.

  5. Veronika Larsson

    I know someone (like Lindsay, a natural redhead) who was “de-freckled” via laser and it turned out to be very expensive and not worth it.

    While the technique was very effective, my friend had to avoid sunlight or the freckles would come back. Turns out that even minimal sun exposure undid most of the doctor’s work and she ended up right back where she started, but with one difference: many of the returning freckles were darker and more noticeable!

    Having freckles is part of being a redhead. But it’s Lindsay Lohan and she’s insane.

    btw, someone above wrote that at least Lindsay’s breasts are “real”. Well, real silicon anyhow:

  6. beckystyles

    I hope they use the laser from Real Genius.

  7. Personally, I think there’s nothing wrong with her appearance that can’t be solved by laying off the collagen injections and spending 6 months eating through her mouth instead of her nose. It’s the decades of required therapy that I find unattractive.

  8. Lindsay – it’s not the freckles that are causing your skin to itch or feel like bugs are crawling under it.

  9. So does “freckles” mean track marks?

  10. Jesus H. Christ

    Freckles are the least of her concerns.

  11. Jeezers, Lindsay, don’t get rid of your freckles. Gingers are supposed to have freckles. I love freckles. Besides, other than your tits, freckles are your only other redeeming social value.

    • Helena Handbasket

      Freckles should be way down the Lohan “magic laser” list: herpes, scabies, warts, meth teeth, crabs, cellulite, wrinkles, zits, etc etc etc

  12. Don’t we have enough nonsense Lindsay stories without having to make some up?

  13. Freckles! Hell girl you need to laser all those STDs in your twat; then worry about those freckles.

  14. Yeah, because it’s the freckles that are grossing us out.

  15. anonym

    stupid girl thinks zapping the freckles will help her career.

  16. Lindsay Lohan Topless Nude The Canyons
    Commented on this photo:

    I like the shower scene’s. I am imagining that she is showering off the stench from her chain-smoking habit.

  17. juanhunglow

    I would gladly remove them for her by eating them out through her ass

  18. anonymous

    She hates her freckles but she’s okay getting all those stupid tattoos?

  19. Lindsay Lohan Topless Nude The Canyons
    Commented on this photo:

    Maybe it’s just me… but… I really think tits that big deserve a nice thumb-sized nipple. Those there look like they never get any attention… poor lil’ nips.

  20. Lindsay Lohan Topless Nude The Canyons
    dick thunder brain doctor
    Commented on this photo:

    If she really wants to be rid of the freckles, I hear they are doing wonders with hydrochloric acid these days.

  21. Lindsay Lohan Topless Nude The Canyons
    Hidden Agenda
    Commented on this photo:

    Not bad for 45. Must have been something 20 years ago.

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