Lindsay Lohan Injected Herself Into The Tom Cruise Girlfriend Auditions Story

September 7th, 2012 // 76 Comments

For reasons known only to herself and a freckle affectionately named Rumplestealshit, Lindsay Lohan tweeted the following message to Tom Cruise after Vanity Fair promoted their cover story claiming the Church of Scientology “auditioned” girlfriends for him who were punished with hard labor if the relationship went south. Not surprisingly, Us Weekly has read the whole article and says it has absolutely nothing to do with Lindsay. She’s not even mentioned in it:

Keep in mind, these auditions took also place in 2004 when Lindsay Lohan had just turned 18. Don’t get me wrong, the Church of Scientology is fucking crazy, but not crazy enough to make their 42-year-old telekinetic Space Jesus date a barely legal actress. Also, I’m pretty sure they knew the question, “Hey, Tom, want to date a teenager?” would be answered with, “Ooh, like Jonathan Lipnicki?”

Photos: AKM-GSI

superficial

  1. Cock Dr

    The Lohan strain of mental illness manifests itself in so many different ways.

  2. Rumplestealshit – CLASSIC!!!

  3. Ashley

    One of Tom’s mandatory requirements is the woman must be a non-smoker. Like she’d even be considered.

  4. Sarah Palin, Lindsay Lohan….trying to remain relevant.

  5. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Icehawg
    Commented on this photo:

    Grammy?

  6. EricLr

    She’s unemployable and a drug addict of Belushi proportions. She’s a borderline prostitute who lives in a dumpster. And she has every drug dealer and hotel owner in L.A. chasing after her for owed money.

    But even SHE has more self-respect than to associate with the Scientologists.

    • Gen

      If she wanted to dissociate herself from the Scientologists, she would have written directly to the press…Check the posting…@Tom Cruise…she wrote to HIM and his team…I am pretty sure she wants to keep in his good book in case she wants to audition for mission impossible 5,6.7.8,… and also because it makes her feel important, whatever the hell is going in on her mind!

  7. USDA Prime McBeef

    nice fake tan. just rock the goddamn pasty ass freckled shit like you are supposed to, lindsay.

  8. Deacon Jones

    Well THANK GOD that’s been cleared up.

    I’m going off to happy hour to get drunk on wheat beers. Choi

  9. achilles wrath

    Guys, in case you were wondering, I had nothing to do with this either, they never offered me a part or anything, just throwing that out there..

  10. Kevin

    Damn, I’d sure like to fuck hose freckletits.

  11. Bonolata

    Mirror! Mirror!
    On the wall
    How many spots do I have in all?
    P.S. I picked up the VF from a stall and paid my hard earned money for it!

  12. See Alice

    Still a great rack

  13. alex

    4 comments and not one reference to injecting?

    C’mon people…where’s Beef guy? How about Dr. Cock? I count on you people! When I read a headline like that, I expect more from you…

    Have a nice weekend all.

  14. John Travolta

    I just want to clear this whole “audtioning” stuff up. We do not, have not, and will not hold “auditions” for the wife of Our Messiah. We simply go through the list and when the brainwashing sticks on one of them, we roll with it.

  15. seriouslynow

    At least she still has the tits.

  16. I can only thank L.Ron Humjob that Lindsay had nothing to do with this debacle. I was terribly worried. Now I can sleep at night…

    “Hey, Hubert, bring me a beer and more of that Rohypnol…”

  17. I’m trying to come up with something nasty, but oh my fuck.

    I can’t help it. I desperately want a chance at failing to please her sexually.

  18. Okay I’ll bite on the injection line. Lohan is skilled at injecting. She injects heroine and has penises inject jizz into her on a very frequent basis. Unfortunately for Lohan, To crouse would have preffered if Lindsay was actually a Larry …

  19. kimmykimkim

    Is that a bruise on her tit? What th-ah, who cares…

  20. El Jefe

    Dammit I want to hate her but then those boobs. Then I just want to hate fuck her.

  21. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Commented on this photo:

    Daydreaming about Oprah yelling “You get some coke! And you get some coke!! Everyone is going home with coke!!”

  22. Happy_Evil_Dude

    To be fair, she was almost cast in Mission Impossible 3 at one point. That was back when she was relevant. So, yeah, her, ScarJo, Joss Stone, were all in the running for the wife position.

  23. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Commented on this photo:

    Dad: “Are you sure this is the one you want son?”
    Son:”Yeah, dad. I want a fixer upper”
    Dad:”Well she’s got a cracked piston, blown tranny, and a very very very loose crankshaft”
    Dad:”Got some crack in the fuel line too”

  24. Jenni

    Why does she always look so goddamn dirty? Take a shower every hour, Lindsay, that’s what it’ll take to make you look clean – on the outside, anyway.

  25. Jade

    I need to make a Twitter account, because I too need to let Tom Cruise know that I had nothing to do with the Vanity Fair story.

  26. cagster

    “Don’t give a shit,” said Everyone

  27. Alex

    The only thing more pathetic is that the story is on this site.

  28. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Commented on this photo:

    I feel like her vaj would just unravel like a long, cartoon tongue when the bathing suit is removed…

  29. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Commented on this photo:

    Humpty Dumpty?

  30. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Alpha Female
    Commented on this photo:

    I think she looks better when she eats a bit less.

  31. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Alpha Female
    Commented on this photo:

    Ight, fo ril doe? Das hot.

  32. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Alpha Female
    Commented on this photo:

    What are all yall talkin bout? It’s better than I expected it to be.

  33. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Alpha Female
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks good to me.

  34. Nate

    So did every other women on twitter. It’s a running joke.

  35. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Commented on this photo:

    The people who comment that they wouldn’t touch her are obviously unaware of why God created intoxication. Fuckin’ rookies, every damn one.

  36. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Commented on this photo:

    Spank and eat.

  37. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    fralala
    Commented on this photo:

    omg it’s the exact same s the superficial has

  38. Bionic_Crouton

    There are others who would like to let everyone and @TomCruise know they had no involvement in the VF story:

    Serena Williams
    Sally Field
    Velma and Daphne from Scooby Doo
    Spongebob Squarepants
    The homeless woman who argued with drive thru speaker at Jack in the Box near my home
    and the list goes on…

  39. anonymous

    Delusional fucking bitch.

  40. Sardonic

    She has more dents and dings than a used 74 Monte Carlo in ‘fair condition’

  41. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Rokay
    Commented on this photo:

    I wish those that speak against drugs, would use this photo, covered at the bust line, to tell kids the disadvantages of drug use.
    The most gripping part of these photos is that lydsay is so oblivious to how horrible she looks.
    Very sad, that was was treated like a piece of meat by her own parents, and now is just a piece of meat.
    Her parents should be in jail for neglect and abuse.
    Lyndsay, a poor narcassistic woman, with really no where to turn. A good example for all to see what neglect, selfishness, and greed will do to the human soul.

  42. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    YEs
    Commented on this photo:

    Lilo @ 18 was so effing hot. She should go back to red hair.

  43. guhgeeyuh

    i bet her armpits smell so nasty

  44. What an idiot

    What she needs, more than anything, is for someone to call her on her bullshit, get in her face & give her a “Charles Bronson bitchslap”. I’ll be staying at the Chateu Marmont next month (they should have let her back in my then); I’ll be sure to administer it for all us posters…

  45. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Bruno
    Commented on this photo:

    She’d be hot for 60.

    For 20 somethin, uhhhhhhhhhh. WTF happened to you??? Radiation accident?

    Oh yah, coke, meth, crack, booze, and a penchant for theft.

  46. Stan

    Ewwww…I wouldn’t fuck her with your dick. This chick is nasty.

  47. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Crissy
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like she got shit smeared.

  48. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Commented on this photo:

    When are they gonna move all this drama to a Bravo “reality” show, so we can quit paying attention to these hillbillies? (No offense to Ozarkians.)

  49. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    dnkypunch
    Commented on this photo:

    Still do-able but barely… Sorry I just like huge boobs and freckles…

  50. Lindsay Lohan Cleavage Swimsuit Poolside
    Commented on this photo:

    I would take that job for 24 hour access to her ass.

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