Lindsay Lohan Blew Everything

Lindsay Lohan almost had it. She almost captured the unicorn, the rich guy whose lawyers were no match for his freckled blowjob lust. But like every other time Lindsay Lohan has gotten a second chance, she blew it like a Saudi Prince at Bonnaroo. During the lavish 30th birthday party that her mark fiance not only meticulously planned for her, but also flew in her dad, brother and sister for, Lindsay apparently freaked out over a text message she saw on his phone and threw it into the sea. Oh, Lindsay. What have you gone and done? Via Page Six:

A screaming match ensued and Lohan stormed out after security stepped in. But Lohan told Page Six, “It had to do with my friend throwing his phone case in the water as a joke . . . because [guests] were making fun of it . . . People said I personally threw [the] phone, but it’s all not true. It’s a total fabricated lie!”

And as his would-be wealthy Russian son-in-law’s phone drifted to the bottom of the Mediterranean, Michael Lohan shed a single tear. “I was gonna get brand new Gucci loafers…I was gonna kick so much vag… Goddamn you, Lindsay. I curse the year your mother was so drunk, she thought I was Kenickie from Grease and let me ejaculate into her over and over until my functionally retarded seed miraculously found purchase in a uterine lining made of Beefeater and Virginia Slims.”

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Photo: Xposure / AKM-GSI