Football Is Bullshit, Here Are The Commercials

After ten years of giving an indifferent shit about football, I ceased dispensing fucks around Ben Roethlisberger’s third (fourth?) completely glossed over rape allegation. Toss in Penn State, Steubenville, Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson, and there’s no way football isn’t on the same level as Christianity in this country: A sacred and holy institution that gets you labeled an asshole if you point out its bullshit. “Why do you always have to say something?” is my name at parties. That being said, every Super Bowl I still sit there going, “Whee, commercials!” and basically cheer on the naked capitalism that fuels the dumb ox behemoth. And somehow this year Lindsay Lohan was not only the opening spot, but had her appearance in an Esurance commercial legitimized by Bryan Cranston because the membrane between our world and the demon world has clearly been ruptured. And to prove my point, the Ted 2 spot was way better than last week’s trailer and all because of Tom Brady’s glowing cock. Folks, we’re about to burn, and we’re about to burn hard.

NOTE: I left out the 8,000 commercials exploiting dead and/or disabled kids because even I know that shit’s fucked up, and I make recordings of Stephen Hawking banging hookers for a living.

Lindsay Lohan

Bryan Cranston

Kim Kardashian’s Butt

Kate Upton’s Breasts

Liam Neeson’s Inability To Say ‘No’ To Money

Jurassic World


Furious 7: The Weekend At Bernies Cut

Save The Eskimo, Save The World?

Terminator Genisys

Ted 2

Victoria’s Secret

Photo: Esurance