Lindsay Lohan Is A Stage Actress Now, According To Lindsay Lohan

June 19th, 2014 // 37 Comments
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While it may seem like this job is nothing more than dick jokes and celebrity boob photos in my underwear, I do spend a considerable amount of each evening (Five minutes before three hours of Hearthstone.) readying for the morning’s penile satire and titty pageantry. And such was the case last night when I came across headline after headline about Lindsay Lohan supposedly appearing in a West End production of “Speed-the-Plow” which couldn’t be right. And it turns out it isn’t because the source is Lindsay Lohan, so everyone stop talking about this. Stop it right now. The New York Times report:

Ms. Lohan said that she has been in London for several months, preparing for a potential appearance in David Mamet’s “Speed-the-Plow” in the West End in November. “It’s the first time I’ve done a stage play or anything like that,” she said. “I’m nervous but I’m excited.”

Just a reminder, the last time someone gave Lindsay Lohan money to make a professional appearance, she gave them a list of demands and then bailed at the last minute because hooking pays more than charity balls, and she’s got a mountain of freckles to laser off. And I know what you’re thinking, David Mamet. If you get her close enough, she’ll blow you so hard you’ll forget all of your bad memories, but this is folly. Folly, I say!

Unless you’ve got $100,000 laying around. Then maybe.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto

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  1. Lindsay Lohan Legs Minidress London Collections Men SS15 Moschino Show
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s actually looking decent here, I do declare

  2. Unless the stage has a brass pole in the middle of it, I’m calling bullshit.

  3. On the one hand, I can see the “stunt casting” aspect of Lohan in “Speed-the-Plow”, because it’s a satire of the American movie industry aka “Hollywood”. Lohan might actually be able to essay the role of Karen (the only female role in the play), the secretary who seduces her boss.

    On the other hand, it’s Lindsay Lohan and she’d just fuck everything up with over-the-top diva demands, chronic tardiness, and probably not showing up on opening night.

    Besides, stage acting is hard work: you have to memorise all of your lines and then say them in front of an audience, with no room allowed for do-overs, which is what Lindsay is used to in films. I don’t think she’s up for it.

    I think Lindsay floats the idea of her “acting” in a film or play because then her, erm, “clients” get the idea that they’re paying for LINDSAY LOHAN THE ACTRESS and not LINDSAY LOHAN THE INTERNATIONAL ESCORT.

  4. Strip joints have stages.

  5. Lindsay Lohan Legs Minidress London Collections Men SS15 Moschino Show
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s actually looking good these days. Hopefully she’s turned the corner and has decided to make changes in her life.

    But more likely this is all bullshit and she’ll continue on her downward spiral.

    • JC

      She looks O.K.ish, but it’s hard not to notice that aura of decay and death around her. There’s a woman I work with whose age I can’t determine, but whatever is, you’d still say, “Damn, she looks rough for x years” for any x < 120. That's gonna be Linds for the rest of her life, no matter how short it is.

  6. Cock Dr

    A gal needs some conversation for the johns, and if that conversation leads them to believe that the woman they’re paying has got a happening theatrical stage career they might be willing to cough up even more coke & currency for that BJ.
    She looks good from a distance. She can still make insane escort money for a few more years.

  7. Urbanspaceman

    I was going to suggest that her voice has already degraded beyond the point where she can do stage work. But I can see her as Maggie in Cat On A Tin Roof. Only in this version Brick refuses to get near her because of her overwhelming tobacco stench.

  8. Assuming this is true … *checks sky to see if pigs are flying* … they’re not really casting against type, are they? The only female role in that play is “Karen,” who tries to fuck her way to the top and fails.

  9. yourmom

    “Potential appearance.” She potentially stars in a lot of things. How to lie without actually lying 101, instructed by Dina Lohan.

  10. Crack

    I can’t stand that “I just did a fat line of blow” expression perpetually on her face.

  11. tom

    Wow she does look good, I would. But only for some hate fuck, nothing more.

  12. Lindsay Lohan Legs Minidress London Collections Men SS15 Moschino Show
    Commented on this photo:

    (snnniiiiifffffffff) DEAL WITH IT

  13. toitot

    Poor Lynds, all your degrading comments are just a reflection of what you poor miserable slobs have going on in your life.

  14. RAGHAVENDRA PRASAD

    LINDSAY LOHAN IS A TALENTED ACTRESS.IT WOULD BE BETTER,SHE IS GETTING A SECOND CHANCE TO SHOW HER ACTING SKILLS.LINDSAY LOHAN WILL MOST LIKELY BE ACTING IN A MOVIE ,BY ONE TO TWO YEARS ,FROM NOW

  15. Hey, your name spelled backwards is “Dasarp Ardnevahgar” who is a close friend of Lindsay’s.

    What a coincidence!

  16. Sancho

    This play is not in the West End of London. It’s in the West End of Newcastle. Actors that don’t cut it get cut and thrown into the River Tyne.

  17. I’d rather see Miley Cyrus in a bikini than Lindsay Lohan on stage. All one has to do is view that travisty entitled “Liz and Dick” to see that Ms Lohan is not an actress, but rather a personality.

    If she had announced that she was planning to do an Off-Broadway production of “Speed the Plow” next year after enrolling in the Strasberg Institute or the Neighborhood Playhouse in NYC, there would be some integrity to the story (and the woman).

    I wonder if Oprah is on the hook for the rent on her NY aparment.

  18. JimBB

    Keep in mind that “potential appearance” in Lohan-speak translates to “I cornered David Mamet in a bathroom stall and offered to suck his dick for a part” in regular english.

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