Lindsay Lohan Is A Stage Actress Now, According To Lindsay Lohan

While it may seem like this job is nothing more than dick jokes and celebrity boob photos in my underwear, I do spend a considerable amount of each evening (Five minutes before three hours of Hearthstone.) readying for the morning’s penile satire and titty pageantry. And such was the case last night when I came across headline after headline about Lindsay Lohan supposedly appearing in a West End production of “Speed-the-Plow” which couldn’t be right. And it turns out it isn’t because the source is Lindsay Lohan, so everyone stop talking about this. Stop it right now. The New York Times report:

Ms. Lohan said that she has been in London for several months, preparing for a potential appearance in David Mamet’s “Speed-the-Plow” in the West End in November. “It’s the first time I’ve done a stage play or anything like that,” she said. “I’m nervous but I’m excited.”

Just a reminder, the last time someone gave Lindsay Lohan money to make a professional appearance, she gave them a list of demands and then bailed at the last minute because hooking pays more than charity balls, and she’s got a mountain of freckles to laser off. And I know what you’re thinking, David Mamet. If you get her close enough, she’ll blow you so hard you’ll forget all of your bad memories, but this is folly. Folly, I say!

Unless you’ve got $100,000 laying around. Then maybe.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFphoto