Lindsay Lohan Wants J.K. Rowling To Write A Book About Her Sex Life

August 5th, 2014 // 46 Comments
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At first glance, the headline would seem to suggest Lindsay Lohan wants to read a book about a beloved children’s author’s sex life, and honestly, who doesn’t want to know how many times J.K. Rowling achieved pure ecstasy of the flesh while creating Hogwarts? It’s practically all I think about it. Except this is Lindsay Lohan we’re dealing with, so naturally everything revolves around her and has a zero chance in hell of happening in real life. Radar reports:

The Liz & Dick star “held meetings at major publishing houses in London recently,” an insider told the UK Sun, regarding the prospects of a tell-all book with details so salacious, it might make Fifty Shades of Grey aficionados blush.
“The stories she promised the literary agents made their jaws drop.”

And while all of that sounds fascinating on paper, Lindsay Lohan is borderline illiterate so she’s going to need some help. Fortunately, she has a list of people in mind who obviously will jump at the chance to write about freckled handjobs that still didn’t get her a part in The Avengers. It’s every writer’s dream.

“It may seem unlikely, but she thinks she’s in with a shot of getting (Fifty Shades of Grey) E.L. James to work on it — they met recently at the Chiltern Firehouse and got on well. Another pie in the sky idea was that she might persuade J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter) to work with her.”

In Lindsay Lohan’s defense, the Harry Potter books are crazy long, and the list of people she’s had sex with is even longer, so you definitely need someone who won’t feel overwhelmed writing an entire Encyclopedia Britanica of blowjob recipients. Not to mention, you can put Lindsay Lohan’s vagina on your head like a Sorting Hat and it will tell you what school you belong in provided the brain cancer doesn’t kill you first, so really the whole thing’s right up J.K.’s Diagon Alley. Ha! Get it? I’ll be in the garage with the car running.

Photos: Fame/Flynet

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  1. Z trap

    Lindsay has a GED; and unlike a public highschool diploma, you actually need to know how to read before they will award you one.

  2. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Commented on this photo:

    Quack Quack

  3. joe

    I’m sure Rowling’s title would be Hog With Warts.

  4. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    This is the best she’s looked in a long time. It’s her magic photo angle. Never turn around!

  5. Who in hell finances all these global trips? Who? More importantly, why???

  6. Get ready for another series of books.

    Ginger Freckleboobs and the Hotelier’s Bone
    Ginger Freckleboobs and the Famewhore of Sexbits
    Ginger Freckleboobs and the Jismer of Asstappin
    Ginger Freckleboobs and the Gobbler of Knob
    Ginger Freckleboobs and the Order of the Gang-Bang
    Ginger Freckleboobs and the Half-Hard John
    Ginger Freckleboobs and the Deadly Swallows

  7. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Commented on this photo:

    OMG that saggy tit. I always thought she had a boob job but that is a real, saggy tit, lol.

  8. herbiefrog

    hey baby : )))

    lolll

  9. Lindsay, I apologize for being late again today. It’s been a hectic day here at work after the long weekend here in Toronto. When you get a moment could you please ask your assistant to thumb-down this comment? Thanks.

  10. I’d read it.
    I wouldn’t pay for it, but I’d read it.
    Do you think there are some Disney execs quaking in their boots about this?

  11. Harry Potter and the Town Bicycle
    Harry Potter and the Hot Dog in the Ginger Hallway
    (Last one I promise)
    Harry Potter and the Delusional Woman of Ill gotten Gains.

  12. Odins Acolyte

    Brag if you wish after you have reached an age to have REAL practice child. It shall still be crude no matter the age. Walt Disney would be so shamed by what his company has become.

  13. dreamcrusher

    I think the title ‘Things I did for Coke’ will suffice.

    Chapter two : Old Farts and why I hate viagra.

  14. Fifty Shades of Rash

  15. Swearin

    “It may seem unlikely, but she thinks she’s in with a shot of getting (Fifty Shades of Grey) E.L. James to work on it — they met recently at the Chiltern Firehouse and got on well.”

    So, they met at a restaurant which is becoming infamous as a place for drunk celebrities to stumble out of? Yes, let’s trust everything she says.

  16. cc

    No, you’ve got this wrong. She phoned Jk Rowling and asked ‘If I blow Harry Potter do you think he’ll wave his magic wand and make me look like I did in Mean Girls again?’

  17. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Ralph
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh, Sorry. You have one, fucked-up body.

  18. whatthe

    She has reached a new low, selling fictional sex stories that involve a bunch of men that never fucked her.
    I hope these guys sue her broke, flat, freckled ass.

    • Oh, I’m sure they fucked her. Few guys can resist a batshit crazy, coke-horny chick bee-lining for their gentials . They just don’t want to publicly admit it, because, well, that’s not the sort of shit you are publicly proud of, unless you’re Charlie Sheen.

  19. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Mr. Fahrenheit
    Commented on this photo:

    I see the last three decades of economic relief has been kind to Ethiopia, but they still haven’t figured out how to defeat the distended belly.

  20. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Mr. Fahrenheit
    Commented on this photo:

    “Shouldn’t this be on my ankle and have a blinking red light?”

  21. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Mr. Fahrenheit
    Commented on this photo:

    This is either a really disgusting woman or a really sexy Skeletor.

  22. “Lindsay, has it ever dawned on you that some of these authors might be tired of writing fiction? (It means ‘just pretend.’)”

  23. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Commented on this photo:

    “Why do I have to wear this? It’s not like someone is going to steal it out from under me…”

  24. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Commented on this photo:

    “You know, Lindsay, if you were to do those butt clenching poses (and throw in some Kegels) all the time, it wouldn’t take very long at all until you had a nice ass and a tight pussy. Just like when you were 19 or so. You’re welcome. A blowjob will do.”

  25. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Commented on this photo:

    “I’m not sure, you guys, but I think my jet-ski thingie just dropped a deuce.”

  26. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Commented on this photo:

    She straddles that Yamaha like it was a 360 lb. offensive lineman. Do you suppose they decontaminate and sterilize these things after each use?

  27. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Commented on this photo:

    “I learned my lesson in France. So I’m gonna go call my mom and see if she knows what all these local guys mean when they ask me if I want to do it ‘the Greek way…’”

  28. Harry Potter and the Biggest Mistake of his Life

  29. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Mike Anger
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hello Lindsay. I’m JK Rowling.”

    “No, I’M JK Rowling! And I have a movie script in my pocket.”

    “If I blow you both, does that mean you’ll write a trilogy?”

  30. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Donatello
    Commented on this photo:

    “So you’re Tom Cruise and you’re Leonardo DiCaprio, huh? Listen, assholes, I wasn’t born yesterday! I already blew Tom Cruise last night and Leonardo this morning.”

  31. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Commented on this photo:

    Ass like a 10yr old corpse

  32. Rasputin's Evil twin

    No, Lindsay, you’re looking for the wrong author to write about your sex life. Stephen King is the man for this job.

  33. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    rockT
    Commented on this photo:

    the girl needs an ass to hold up the suit bottom..

  34. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    blowinchunks
    Commented on this photo:

    nice pot belly Hohan!

  35. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    Commented on this photo:

    Fun fact: she and Kim K buy the same size swimsuits.

  36. Lindsay Lohan Saggy Boobs And Butt Bikini Jetski
    ---
    Commented on this photo:

    I have these sunglasses *jordans into trash*

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