Lindsay Lohan Playboy Issue Breaks Sales Records, Says Elderly Man On Twitter

December 19th, 2011 // 129 Comments

If you asked Hugh Hefner what he ate for breakfast this morning, he’d call you a Nazi spy and threaten to phone his pal Charles Lindbergh to “teach you what for.” So with that information in mind, here he is on Twitter talking about the Lindsay Lohan Playboy issue like his “girlfriends” have sales tickers coming out of their naked asses to keep him constantly updated. Actually, scratch that. That probably does happen. I kid the old man a little too much sometimes:

The Lindsay Lohan January-February Double Issue is breaking sales records.

Of course, nobody has a clue what the current sales records for Playboys are these days, so just assume she sold at least 10 which is a miracle once you take into account the existence of the Internet. In the meantime, TMZ is rolling with Hugh’s numbers while FOX News has a conflicting report:

Interest seems low in seeing Lohan’s intensely air-brushed impersonation of Marilyn Monroe in glossy print. Fox411 spent Friday morning trolling the shelves of newsstands and gas stations from New York to Philadelphia only to be confronted with the same reality at each: Lohan’s glassy-eyed stare peaking above the backs of more family friendly fare, with no one staring back or making a purchase.

While Fox is probably right, their methodology is tad suspect considering they basically walked up to people and said, “Hey, you gonna jerk it later? I’m with the news.” Then again, you’d just assume the spirit of Christmas would bring out the honesty in people, so look for a report later today entitled: “Why Santa’s Coming But You’re Not: The Liberal Attack On ‘Making Your Baby Jesus Cry.’”

Photos: Playboy, AKM Images/GSI Media


  1. Clarence Beeks

    BULLSHIT. I don;t believe people bought it. Why would they? It was online for FREE, and everyone has seen her naked multiple times.

    • mel

      i felt exactly the same way. no way would i have bought that shit. toilet paper is better excuse for cutting trees down than any publication that even mentions the name of stench lohan. i saw the pictures online. my penis crept back into my body out of sheer boredom.

    • Randal

      People are surprised at this? Of course it’s a hot seller, it’s Lindsay Lohan! For years she has teased men around the would, pouting her lips, revealing soft inches of her cleavage and generally looking cute and sexy. Now it’s out and men want to know what strawberry tastes like.


    • “Out here in the country, we don’t get no broad-band, ‘n it takes too long for dem pitchers to load on the phone hook-up. ‘N mah wife’s always on the phone anyways, so I cain’t hardly stay online that long. Besides, how’m I gonna git that big-ass ‘puter into the crapper? That’s the only place where I can tug it.” — Playboy’s subscriber base

  2. Cock Dr

    FYI it’s my understanding that you shouldn’t use glossy paper for lining the birdcage or the cat’s litter box.

  3. Snarf

    Lindsay used the $1 million to buy up copies ;)

  4. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Her cheeks look so strange to me. Bronzer? It’s hard to believe that she’s only 25.

  5. Any Guy

    pay ME and maybe I’ll use the issue to scrape the dog shit off my lawn.

  6. Hey c’mon, there’s some good reading there! Personally I want to read up on the 20 greatest cocktails. Don’t really give a rat’s ass about the time Jobs met Warhol though.

    • JC

      Don’t forget cars of the year! I bet the 1914 Stutz Bearcat gets the coveted nod from Hugh again.

    • BE

      Honestly, I think any sales ARE from the cocktail recipes. Hey that’s interesting.

      Hasn’t the faux Marilyn shoot been done to death by now?

  7. Evil Dick Tater

    That pictorial also features Ali Lohan, though you can’t tell because she’s hidden behind a staple.

  8. Frank Burns

    Honestly I wouldn’t know that was her on the cover if I hadn’t been told. Lindsay + 1/4 inch of primer paint doesn’t seem like an actual pictorial, not that I wanted to go there anyway. Ali Lohan is also on that cover, she’s just standing behind the ‘I’ in Lindsay.

  9. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Absolutely no interest in seeing this skag naked. It is hard enough to see her in clothes.

  10. Buzz Aldrin

    Wasn’t she clothed in this pictorial? Why would anyone waste their time? Bunch of morons who bought that issue.

    • Tallywacker2000

      She is nude. You can find the pics online.

    • Evil Dick Tater

      I saw the pics earlier. With her utter lack of muscle tone it would have been greatly preferable if she HAD been clothed. In all fairness though she does have a nice body… for an exercise averse fifty-year old.

  11. Tallywacker2000

    If you’re jerking to Lindsay you have much more serious issues than she does.

  12. Cosmo

    Seeing who the centerfold for that issue is more interesting than seeing the freckled wonder.

  13. MILF

    Agreed. Her muff probably smells like the inside of Mrs. Roper’s wig.

  14. Joe Mama

    Sorry Fish, it’s not just Fox that’s saying sales are poor. CNN and The Daily Mail are reporting the same thing. To be fair to Hef all he said was that the issue was breaking records, he never said WHAT RECORDS. I’m sure the issue has broken the record for worst selling issue all year. Hell, it may have broken the record for worst selling issue ever.

    You just have to know how to read between the lines. I came of age when Bill Clinton was still President, so I learned pretty early how to read between the lines.

  15. brit

    Breaking records? Fewest sold ever

  16. herbiefrog

    you sad people don’t seem to realise…

    that this is a huge event…

    lindsay IS N E W S

    get over yourselves and you sad little lives

    go babe : )))

    • Dick

      HAHAHAHAH, do yourself a favor and shut the fuck up.

    • BE

      What a laugh – if you mean train wreck then yeah, she’s news.

      Picture this:
      In the background, Hugh’s ho’s whoops sorry – playmates tweeting anything that will bring in a buck so they can buy some more plastic surgery and money…
      In the foreground, Hugh sitting at table being fed by his 70 year old maid…

  17. I think at this point, Playboy is just hoping to make back enough scratch to Lysol and Febreze that chair.

  18. LJ

    Lots of ebay sellers are buying copies to sell at premium after she’s dead (figure they’ll only have to hold on to them for six months to a year.)

  19. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd gross.

  20. One bright spot for me is to see that Faux News Livestream is proved to be just as illiterate as I knew they were.
    If you’re reporting the numbers are going nowhere, then Linds shouldn’t be “peaking” above anything.

    • rican

      your idiocy is justifiable

      • Hey, it’s a slow news day and to catch them being deficient is amusing Not being able to spell or tell homophones apart when you purport to be a news agency, and further claim to be the one that has the only true and unbiased form of communication, is embarassing. If you think it really doesn’t matter, then you’re the idiot.

    • gimme a break

      Will you feel better when MSNBC or Amy Goodman reports the same thing CNN (along with Fox and several other news outlets) is saying?

      • If Goodman actually spells it wrong in a feed or in her blog, then of course I’ll be equally amused – and it’ll certainly tell me something about her standards if she uses it. If you’re a news agency, then your business is communication, so the people working for you should have a basic grasp of the language at the outset. Spellcheck can’t help their sorry ass in this situation.

      • rican

        Only an idiot turns a story about Lindsay into a story about Fox News.

    • Are you fucking kidding me? There’s literally nothing to see here. If you find her humping Monroe’s dead leg – yet again – to be so goddamn fascinating, guess who’s the real idiot?

    • Gah, you guys. I’m no liberal but Justie’s right about the grammar. Way to fah-REAK out over nothing and make all conservatives look loony. Again.

  21. Lohan = sales DEATH

    Just for the hell of it this morning, I stopped at 5 different magazine stands (which are in high traffic (driving & walking) flow areas) up here in the Seattle area & asked the vendors how the issue was selling. Only 1 of them had sold more than 2 copies, and they all said they usually have sold 40-50 by this time after the issue release. One vendor said “this is the shittiest selling issue I’ve seen in 25 years”. So, based on reality (and not hef’s trying to drum up interest in an issue with a toxic waste whore on the cover), I’m going to go with Fox’s report.

  22. welldoneson

    This issue of Playboy will make history as the FIRST issue that I wouldn’t accept as a gift. Or touch. Or want to see a picture of.

  23. I’ll wait a week and look at them online.

  24. Do_Freebird

    What the old fart didn’t say was not all records are for the most. This is probably the record for the LEAST sold.
    BTW, there probably is no way that this issue would break any record, period. There was a time when Playboy was actually on the cutting edge of male entertainment, but that time is long past. Replace the word Playboy in that last sentence with the word Lohan and it would still be 100% true.

  25. Jenni

    Lindsay, to make a come back, first get off the drugs, fix those teeth, dye the hair red, gain 20 pounds and if you are going to pose for Playboy, do it because you are body proud, not for the money.

  26. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    WHERE is her arse??

  27. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:


  28. Nathiest

    You’re nuts Lindsay looks hot in the photos. I looked everywhere for this issue cannot find it. I’ll order it off the internet.

    • How do you know she looks hot in the photos if you haven’t seen the issue? And if you’ve seen them online already, why bother buying it? If you want to do something for Lindsay, she likes meth. Send her some meth.

    • Blowhan sucks dick

      I see another paid employee of white oprah has posted. Funny thing is, your post is so contrary to what the rest of the world says, it’s easy to pick you out of the crowd. Better luck next time, loser…

  29. cc

    The scratch and sniff centerfold backfires again.

  30. imabrat

    So….. flabby flat asses are in, eh?

  31. Mary

    The world has change in the past 50 years, so who would want to see Lindsay do a copy cat Playboy spread, retro trash.

  32. forrest gump

    hugh heffner himself bought all the issues availible so this gives you the idea it was an enormous success.

  33. american bandersnatch

    Technical point: I don’t think Charles Linbergh would have had any issues with someone being a Nazi spy.

  34. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Wtf? She has claws for feet. She’s so gross.

  35. tlmck

    Sorry Hef, but your schtick is tired.

  36. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Far from a stunning body — but a better body then 95% of girls her age nowadays.

  37. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    The Pope
    Commented on this photo:

    Worthless without the nip-slip pic the Daily Mail had

  38. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Templeton Pec
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks like death warmed up

  39. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    there is more to life than these asses. Read Time Rays.

  40. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    white guy
    Commented on this photo:

    maybe if she showed some snap more people would look.

  41. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    who took these pictures and WHY are they doing this to us ;(

    • Master Cherry Plucker

      At least these almost give me a boner, not like the photoshop shit they published in PLAYBOY.

  42. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    wee/man :o))
    Commented on this photo:

    Damn has she ever got nice big firm boobies.

  43. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Most men would still hit it!

  44. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Frugal Gourmet
    Commented on this photo:

    Ass for days.. if you’re a fruit fly.

  45. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Not feeling all the love for her and her fake funbags.

  46. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    i think ill marry her!

  47. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Jesus Christ, get a top that actually FITS you and your silicone jugs and you won’t have to spend the whole day at the beach yanking it back up!

  48. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    It is not that her belly button is so high it’s her boobs are so low people…

  49. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Callled Out
    Commented on this photo:

    Love all you queers.. If she wasnt “Lindsay Lohan” and you saw this on the beach you’d be bustin out your iPhones to take pics..

    • No Way

      Hey Dina, get off Lindsay’s nut sack. She’s not remotely hot unless you like shapeless, flabby, skanky washed-up sad twats.

  50. Lindsay Lohan Bikini
    Nothin' Worse
    Commented on this photo:

    Skinny fat

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