Lindsay Lohan Dodges Jail, Failed Alcohol Test She Didn’t Have To Take? WTF?

June 23rd, 2011 // 62 Comments

If you were expecting some sort of wacky legal scenario that prevents Lindsay Lohan from leaving the comfort of her house arrest after failing an alcohol test, you’re going to love this post. Turns out Lindsay really wasn’t required to take one after all, just drug tests [Ed. Not even those.], which makes me wonder why the hell this hearing even happened. At any rate, she’s only allowed to have one friend over at a time now because the court is very serious this time, young lady. Very serious. TMZ reports:

Judge Sautner said Lindsay is now restricted for the remainder of her house arrest to one friend at a time at her Venice loft, in addition to family members.
And, the judge said NO PARTIES at Lindsay’s crib.
Judge Sautner said the only thing Lindsay was guilty of was “extremely poor judgment.”

So, basically Lindsay Lohan was dragged into court just to be told she can drink herself stupid as long as only one visitor is in her house. Fucking awesome. Be straight with me, LA, is there a special courtroom reserved only for celebrities, and does the inside of it look like a Chuck E. Cheese? I already know the answer, I just want to hear you say it.

Photo: Getty, Splash News

superficial

  1. “Praise tha Laud, she’s walking!”

    Overheard from judge’s chambers:

    Voice 1: “I say we kill her!”
    Several voices: “Yeah!”
    Voice 2: “I say we hang her then we kill her!”
    Several voices: “Yeah!”
    Voice 3: “I say we stomp her..”
    Several voices: “Yeah!”
    Voice 3: “Then we tattoo her..”
    Several voices: “Yeah!”
    Voice 3: “Then we hang her..”
    Several voices: “Yeah!”
    Voice 3: “And THEN we kill her!”
    Several voices: “YEAHHH!!!!”

    [Lindsay, without moving lips] “I say we let her gohhh..”
    Several voices: “NOHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

    Ok except the cruel provident hand of God reached down through the clouds, like something out of Monty Python (including fart sound).

    And there was much rejoicing..
    Hey Linds, how bout a celebratory hookup!

  2. herbiefrog

    if we treat her like a schoolchild…

    …maybe she’ll try to get along : ))

    [[ok lets see if we got it, inside, one friend at a time [look into organising a queueing system]

    gotit

  3. Lindsay’s like Teflon. Nothing sticks to her (except semen).

  4. Venom

    Just face it, Lindsay is gangster.
    One badass bitch.

  5. Really?

    I wonder how pissed off she is that she could’ve been getting hammered (the drinking kind) this whole time. Odds TMZ snaps a picture of her buying a 5th on the way home?

  6. JC

    Nobody really, truly thought she was going to jail, did they? Short of cracking open a newborn infant’s skull, scooping out the gooey deliciousness inside, and then drinking a Cosmo out of its empty skull, it ain’t going to happen.

  7. Cock Dr

    Yet another opportunity to display her ravishing double chinned sun-blasted beauty to the adoring public.

  8. j-sin

    WTF…

  9. Jon

    How many chances does she get? I got a DUI a LONG time ago when I was young and dumb, did 30 days in jail…90 days on an alcohol tether and constant random tests for 2 years. If I violated I would have done 90 days each time. She is in the court room every single month and has been for years.

  10. cc

    You know, if she wore a jacket that matched those slacks, she’d have the look of the perfect ‘angry female boss’ in a porn movie where on of the salesmen is going to pound her silly on her desk.

    I’ve heard that happens in those kinds of movies.

  11. Richard McBeef

    Now how the fuck are you supposed to get chinese finger trapped if you can only have one friend over? Did the judge think of that? And who works the camera? The justice system in this country is broke.

    • Venom

      One friend.
      You just say the other people are staff, or assistants, or workers coming over.
      Problem solved.
      You have to know how to work the system man.

    • TomFrank

      “one friend…IN ADDITION TO family members”

      Michael Lohan will still be available for that. And Dina can work the camera. It’s Lindsay’s plot to get them back together in her upcoming movie, The Chinese Finger Parent Trap.

    • JC

      It did say one friend “in addition” to family. And she has a brother.

  12. Lindsay Lohan Court Probation Violation
    DeucePickle
    Commented on this photo:

    Even female judges can’t throw the book at her, now with the boob to belly ratio she’s got going on

  13. Anon

    She looks just like her dad. Not in a cute, genetic way. Just, she looks like a man.

  14. T-minus 48hrs:
    ” Your Honor, you told my client no ‘parties’, this was a ‘get together’, and you said no more than one ‘friend’, these are just ‘acquaintances’.

  15. MLVC

    I would enjoy drinking that piss sample…I would also enjoy sharing a cell with Casey Anthony for a night…or two.

  16. Clarence Beeks

    fuck this shit. let her DIE.

  17. trailer park

    Lindsay doesn’t go to jail, jail goes to her. That’s straight fuckin’ gangsta.

  18. Emillio Estevez , Jr.

    charmed life !

  19. Does the guy from the 24×7 Speedy Liquor Delivery store qualify as family, or friend?

  20. the thing is...

    What I don’t understand, is that the probation officer said she refused TWO NARCOTIC tests. And that didn’t land her in jail by default???? This judge is getting paid.

  21. Turns out not only was Lindsay not required to take submit for alcohol tests, but the guy who’s been collecting her urine every morning actually works for TMZ.

    • TomFrank

      She should have suspected something when he “collected” her urine by cupping his hands under her vagina.

  22. adolf hitler

    money talks. you buy the lawyers, you buy the work arounds.

  23. Lindsay Lohan Court Probation Violation
    TyroneBiggums
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s blowing the judge.

  24. Johnny Cochran's Tumor

    I’ve never seen a probation where the condition of submitting to random screenings did not not run the length of probation…Unbelievable.

  25. Lindsay Lohan Court Probation Violation
    Kiki
    Commented on this photo:

    She has taken winning to a much higher level than Charlie Sheen. Now if they could only get together and reproduce we would have our savior.

  26. Lindsay Lohan Court Probation Violation
    DeucePickle
    Commented on this photo:

    Seriously, those cans are fantastic

  27. Marnie

    Maybe her punishment was having to wear gloves while getting a spray tan. Harsh.

  28. herbiefrog

    more pathetic bullies ?

  29. Mandi

    Nice spray tan, bitch.

  30. Bow Chica Wow Wow

    I think it’s pretty conclusive now, the entire American Legal system as it relates to ‘celebrities’ is corrupt as fuck. Why is no-one doing or saying anything about it?

    • sobrietyisacrutch

      What’s even worse is that I have to wait ten days to buy a gun to shoot her between the eyes.
      California living is rough, man. Very rough.

  31. Lindsay Lohan Court Probation Violation
    teetee14
    Commented on this photo:

    whats is going on with her hair? looks like a ton of knots! she needs a better beautician..she balded headed just like amber rose except she has the crypt keeper syndrome going on. please go back to being a redhead!

  32. sobrietyisacrutch

    Does “friends-with-benefits” count? She could have a field day!
    (Although I doubt anyone who’s fucked her would want to do it again.)

  33. Jovy

    Why won’t you die?

  34. Nate

    Ya’ll must all love the cock because once again you’re all left sucking it. SUCK IT HATERS!!!

  35. Tinklepants Astronaut

    Its like she has Professor X on her legal team or something, but I’m sure as hell going to hire them for myself should the need arise.

  36. Ed

    So they basically just tested her to call her out the BS “I don;t drink now” story in her recent interview? LOLz the LAPD must be working for TMZ.

  37. LJ

    Just saw an interview on E! with Lindsay’s lawyer, and there is complete denial from team Lohan that Lindsay has any kind of drinking or substance abuse problem.

  38. Lindsay Lohan Court Probation Violation
    mafme
    Commented on this photo:

    The inverted cross hovering over her head is a nice touch.

  39. Cuthbert

    I hate her as much as anyone, but EVERY time you say this has anything to do with her being a celebrity, you make yourself look like a fucking idiot. The SYSTEM is screwed; she isn’t getting special treatment. Unfortunately, I can tell you from personal experience that every ruling is consistant with what any other non-violent offender gets.

    Get a fucking clue.

  40. the captain

    even her mom knew it when she was born: THIS IS A FAILURE!!

  41. nita

    The girl ain’t right or bright. But seriously, you people don’t have a varied enough vocabulary to talk or type as it were, without foul and vulgar language ?? I’m sure that you’ll comment to this comment just as crudely, but really, read real books or something to improve your diction. At least try to appear somewhat intelligent.

  42. imabrat

    What a high forehead you have my dear, the better to balance wine bottles on.

    She’s got a fat face, high forehead, claw hands, double chin , bad rep and no talent. This girl will go far in tabloidland.

  43. Lindsay Lohan Court Probation Violation
    BabygirljeR
    Commented on this photo:

    HER HAIR EXTENSIONS!

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