Lindsay Lohan Got 90 Days of Rehab Instead of 30 Days House Arrest Because Her Lawyer’s An Idiot

March 19th, 2013 // 63 Comments
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As Todd over at IDLIYTW points out, Lindsay Lohan could’ve had a relatively easy 30 days of house arrest had she simply agreed to one of several plea deals from the DA’s office, but instead she trusted her new, free dipshit lawyer Mark Heller to prove her innocence despite the fact the only legal maneuvers he knows are bringing a lucky rabbit’s foot to court and hitting on the judge. Except that’s not entirely true because he knows one more, and it’s sucking huge dicks at witness tampering which probably explains why Lindsay took a liking to him in the first place. TMZ reports:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … the Santa Monica City Attorney will be launching an investigation and will interview Lohan’s ex-assistant Gavin Doyle tomorrow in the presence of police.
We’re told … prosecutors believe Heller may have approached Gavin and tried to get him to admit that he was the one driving the vehicle when Lohan’s Porsche crashed into a big rig on Pacific Coast Highway last summer.

What’s worse, is this proves Michael Lohan right when he said Mark Heller is doing absolutely jackshit to prepare for Lindsay’s trial because clearly he put all his chips on flipping Lindsay’s assistant and just assumed that would pan out even though he immediately rolled on her. Because why wouldn’t this kid turn around and go to jail by telling the cops he lied to them? “Have you seen how rich my client is? She’s a movie sta- ah, fuck it. Blowjobs, kid, we’re offering blowjobs. — What do you mean it still itches from the last time? Iodine, numbnuts, you gotta pour iodine in it!”

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News, WENN

superficial

  1. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    ThisWillHurt
    Commented on this photo:

    How did she get the pigs’ blood off so quickly?

  2. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    ThisWillHurt
    Commented on this photo:

    “Which one of you called me ‘Amanda Bynes?’”

  3. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Professor Chaos
    Commented on this photo:

    Damn, she has a serious case of druggie face going on there. Those eyes!
    She probably has no clue where she even is.

  4. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    ThisWillHurt
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s good, start warming up the ol’ money makers for the judge just in case this turns sour.

  5. Cock Dr

    When I see these current court photos of LiLo the phrase “ridden hard and hung up wet” comes to mind.

  6. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Lita
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s asking herself why Billy Crystal is in his makeup from Princess Bride.

  7. Deacon Jones

    Mark Heller looks like one of those cartoon caricatures of Jewish people on those German World Wart II propaganda posters.

  8. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    JC
    Commented on this photo:

    “Do……do you…..doooo yooouuuu….have……the………preshus?”

  9. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Tiggles
    Commented on this photo:

    Yeah right, you’re gonna rehab that in 90 days? Looks like she snorted everything in Dina’s purse right before trial.

  10. mavis davis

    She can’t believe she did her hair and makeup for this.

  11. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Commented on this photo:

    Yikes. This is like a “Faces of Meth” after-photo.

  12. pavement_smear

    You folks are nuts – Heller deserves a feakin’ medal. 90 days lockdown rehab vs. another mandatory 30 day in-home party? EXACTLY what is in the best interest of his client. Hell, if he had tap danced on the table and doubled her lockdown time, he’d deserve the keys to the city for making the roads safer for all of us.

    • You kidding, Shawn Holley would not have only gotten her no time for anything, but she would have gotten them to get the police to give her a ride to and from the nightclub and pay for her drinks, hotel and coke for the whole weekend.

  13. We live in a world where Fez pulled the ripcord in time and not the other way around. Time to accept the fact we’re living in Bizarro World.

  14. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    ThisWillHurt
    Commented on this photo:

    “Remember to maintain your stance that you’re innocent.”
    “Your dick isn’t as big as Shawn’s.”

  15. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Netta
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks like a walker extra from The Walking Dead. It’s the only time I’ve ever wished Carl would show up and shoot something.

  16. This chick looks like she is on death’s door. When did the celebrity death pool predict her death again?

  17. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Netta
    Commented on this photo:

    “Huhwha?…Did someone say cocaine?”

  18. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Netta
    Commented on this photo:

    You can really see the gratitude in her eyes for getting the 354 millionth slap on the wrist and not any sense of entitlement whatsoever here.

  19. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Commented on this photo:

    Why am I still attracted to this woman? Bad penis! Bad!

  20. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like crackhan has discovered speedballs.

  21. your mom

    Jesus. She looks even worse than usual. Rehab might be a good idea, but send her to fucking Idaho where she can’t sneak out to go party.

  22. Nate

    lol what house?!

  23. Reg Dunlop

    T minus 105 days until she turns 27. Then it’s the final nighty night at the Chateau Marmont.

  24. Mitch

    She’s just about ready for that porn career to begin.

  25. grobpilot

    She looks like one of the worn-out dish rags in my kitchen sink

    • stevebrt

      worn-out dish rags can be recycled and contribute more to the world than Lohan has in the last 7 years

  26. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Commented on this photo:

    “I’m so high right now, I think he’s toking on an invisible blunt.”

  27. wtf

    I bet her visitors will still manage to sneak in drugs and booze to her while she’s in rehab. Once again Hohan has escaped any real punishment.

  28. right

    Her parents fucked her up then released her onto society. Stop blaming the lawyer for her problems. Did you see how her dad was running around outside of the hearing talking shit. It’s no wonder she acts the way she does. She will end up in jail, then either dead or killing someone else. It’s not going to end well.

  29. Dr. JFever

    So after she dies and they make the TV movie who will be cast as her and what will the title be?

  30. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Commented on this photo:

    “Dr. Zaius… I don’t think the waitress is coming back with my Grand Slam.”

  31. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Commented on this photo:

    “You do know why you’re here right?”
    “Are we picking the next American Idol?”

  32. I think I speak for everyone here when I say…

    BWAH HA HA HA HA!!!

    *gasp*

    A HA HA HA HA HA!!!

  33. mouse

    I wish they’d sentence her to 90 days of soap and shampoo.

  34. People are stupid

    I understand why this crap is on The Superficial, but why is it on CNN and Fox? Who cares? She’s yesterday’s news and now a nobody, just like the rest of them old girls she used to hang from the rafters with at teen clubs.

  35. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Say What?
    Commented on this photo:

    “Seven days…”

  36. sad, sad, sad…seriously, I know we all laugh at her, but she is going to end up dying young, all because her parents are fucking shit and she’s an addict. Very sad, indeed.

  37. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Mama Pinkus
    Commented on this photo:

    she’s getting the same lost, dead look Kurt Cobain had in his last months

  38. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    icu
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that an albino housefly on my nose? COKE!

  39. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    icu
    Commented on this photo:

    the dead eyes, unkempt hair, unwashed look and sallow pallor all scream drug-fueled weekend, drug induced haze, where’s my cocaine I’m going out of my mind! Those lips are telling me it’s BJ day.

  40. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Commented on this photo:

    “Why is Roger Clemens sitting next to me ?”

  41. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hmmmm that pen looks like a crack pipe.”

  42. Disco Dave

    The lawyer was acting in her best interests. She desperately needs 90 days of rehab.

    Probably 365 days wouldn’t have hurt either.

  43. wtf

    Rehab is pointless if the person doesn’t want to quit IMO. A waste of other peoples’ time and money.
    Who pays for her stint at rehab? Is she billed for it, or do the taxpayers pick up the tab?

  44. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    RoXanne DeMonica
    Commented on this photo:

    if that face doesn’t scream rehab i don’t know what does

  45. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    bri
    Commented on this photo:

    She doesn’t even resemble her old self. This is so sad that a 26 year old looks this old, tired and sad. I hope rehab works or we all know the ending to this story. It’s just sad. :(

  46. Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
    ,,,,
    Commented on this photo:

    holly shit

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