How Lindsay Lohan Ended Up With Her Shitty Lawyer

March 21st, 2013 // 34 Comments
Witness Tampering?
Lindsay Lohan Tired Bags Under Eyes Greasy Hair Courtroom
Your Strategy Was Witness Tampering? Read More »

It’s just been assumed that Lindsay Lohan hired Mark Heller as her attorney because he works for blowjobs instead of real money, but apparently that’s only 75-90% of it. Turns out Lindsay works with Heller’s son Mike who arranges for celebrities to “party” with wealthy guests in the Hamptons which also explains how Dina finds time to drink so much. She only books international johns. FOX411 reports:

Her lawyer’s son works to stage celebrity photo ops and brand-related party appearances. Meaning, Heller Jr. is seemingly the one providing the once promising film star with a means of income now that her movie career is pretty much non-existent.
“Mike books gigs for Lindsay and they’ve known each other for a long time,” a Lohan camp insider told FOX411′s Pop Tarts column. “She’s not likely to part ways with his father [attorney Mark Heller] anytime soon, because of her strong ties to his son. Without brand promotion, Lindsay would be in a lot deeper financial trouble.”

And if you’re wondering if the slippery acorn didn’t fall far from the slippery tree, check out this slippery shit:

“She is extremely happy with him and never gave up on him no matter what the media twisted and said about my father. She trusted him and now is happy she listened to her gut instinct because he got her a way, way better deal than she was originally being offered,” younger Heller said, noting that the now persistent stories of “witness tampering” directed at his father are totally “fake.”
“But at the end of the day it’s about the results,” he told us. “And my dad got them.”

Yes, her dad got the “results” alright. Because if there’s one thing a client looks for in an attorney, it’s fucking up every single plea deal so you get stuck with a 90 days in lockdown rehab instead of sitting at home for 30 days making sure your SCRAM bracelet doesn’t register vodka while you’re watching Netflix. “Longer sentences are my favorite!” Lindsay said between hedge fund managers’ penises.

Photos: Splash News


  1. Tiggles

    Booking Lohan for legitimate gigs has got to be about as easy as booking Sandusky for kid’s birthday parties.

    And btw, Lindsay honey, it wasn’t the press saying Heller was incompetent, it was the frickin’ judge at your trial. How bad does your lawyer have to be for a judge to take a public shot at him like that!

    • JC

      By “celebrity photo ops,” I assume they mean ass-to-ass lesbian sex on a tarp in some rich dude’s mansion in exchange for drugs, as seen in “Requiem for a Dream.”

  2. bagmotherfucker

    maybe heller wasn’t incompetent at all. maybe she got a shitty defense in return of a shitty blowjob

  3. You know, a whole lot of people are framing this as a binary “well he could have gotten her 30 days of house arrest instead of 90 in rehab lockup.”

    Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe 90 days rehab lockup is exactly what this girl needs? I mean, not to take it all seriously on a site that’s basically devoted to this girl, the Kardashians and whatever Italian call girls happen to be fucking some dignitary or celebrity on the clock at the moment..but ya’know..

  4. I wonder how weird it is to have a swordfight with your dad in Lindsay Lohan’s mouth?

  5. Cock Dr

    Thank you Mr Heller. Anything that gets her off the roadways is a good thing.

  6. Buddy The Elf

    I’m no scientist, so this is completely unofficial, but I’m guessing she ended up with a shitty lawyer because she is a shitty person. From a shitty family. Who treats people like shit.

  7. Trek Girl

    This seemingly crappy lawyer might be the best thing for her. A blessing in disguise, if you will. 90 days in serious rehab would be better for her than an ankle bracelet. Well, if she actually gets the message and cleans herself up and rids herself of moochers and enablers.

    This is good, guys.

    • Frank Burns

      Perhaps the cure for Lindsay’s life incompetence will turn out to be legal incompetence, but I’d bet not even the most skilled Kahn-ut-tu woman with the very freshest mahko root could cure Lindsay’s addictions.

      • Trek Girl

        Lol I get the feeling that you’re right, but it wouldn’t hurt to let the Kahn-ut-tu woman give it shot, right?

  8. Disco Dave

    This site is dead wrong about her having a shitty lawyer.

    The lawyer did his job, protecting his client’s best interests.

    She’s an actress. Actresses don’t make money coked out or dead. 90 days in *real* rehab may give her an opportunity to get both her life and career back and avoid doing something really stupid and landing in prison.

    I’d make it 180 and out of California if I were the judge.

    • JC

      At least 180. If she manages to stay clean for more than 24 hours after being released (assuming she doesn’t have access to toilet wine or bathtub meth while inside), I’ll pay her tax bill myself. Or if not, I’ll at least hire her for one of these celebrity BJ parties.

  9. Juano

    Obviously, she’s out of money and out of options. So, Heller agreed to represent her in anticipation of her signing up for his kid’s stupid party service. That seems pretty obvious, although the blow job stories are more exciting.

  10. That photo again. She’s not supposed to look that good anymore. Better cherish it, I get the feeling she’ll be dead soon.

  11. It’s cute that some of you think that her lawyer (or any lawyer for that matter) actually has their clients BEST INTEREST at heart. His job is to get his client the best deal and the least amount of time. If there was an offer for 30 days of house arrest and he got her 90 days of rehab, it’s because he fucked up. Not because he cares about her.

    Besides, we’ve seen her in rehab before – it’s not gonna make a damn bit of difference.

    • Dr. James T. Littlepenis

      Hugh, I suspect Lindsay’s choice of taking rehab over home confinment has to do with the abbility for her to get any sort of completion bond on future projects she may still hold out hope for. In most sectors home confinment is still legally viewed the same as jail.

  12. Who and what the fuck would want crackhan promoting their “brand”?? Imagine the thinking of the person wanting to promote their shit: “buy my shit and you’ll end up a fuckup druggie prostitute”. Yeah, that will sell the “brand”.

  13. ace11

    I want her to suck my socks off

  14. LL is a smarmy little bitch who will end up dead just like the other younger, dumb, drugged out celebs.

  15. Lindsay Lohan Mug Shot
    Commented on this photo:

    So basically her pimp hired her lawyer. Makes sense.

  16. Rehab doesn’t work if you don’t want to quit, and I get the impression that Hohan doesn’t want to quit.
    This is just going to be a waste of taxpayer money as usual.

  17. Lindsay Lohan Mug Shot
    max hole
    Commented on this photo:

    nicest one yet

  18. Lindsay has that “you killed my brother” look to her.
    Except in this case, you’d have done her brother a favor.

  19. Lindsay Lohan Mug Shot
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks like she’s going to tell us about feminine itching…

  20. kery

    She looks good eventhough she is an addict…

Leave A Comment