Lindsay Lohan Made It To 30. Did Not See That Coming.

“My penis have terrible itch, like time I trap sqvirrel in pants for breakvast stew, but sqvirrel not fully dead.”

Now that Lindsay Lohan is within swallowing distance of a no-prenup marriage to the heir of a Russian fortune, she feels confident doling out advice to other women, and If I’m being honest, I actually think that qualifies her. She may have fucked up every other aspect of her life, but she absolutely nailed this part. And amazingly, Vanity Fair, a respectable publication, felt it was worth the effort to find out what life lessons Lindsay Lohan has to share.

Life seems good for Lindsay Lohan right now, a fact she affirms in this interview conducted over e-mail with Vanity Fair. In it, the actress reflects on her life thus far, and what she hopes the next decade will hold (children, a book, and more).

Yep, okay. This makes sense now. “Email her and see if the reply is just cocaine flying out of USB port.” And of course all of her answers read like that relative who never got their shit together, but religiously watches Super Soul Sunday, so now they just spout self-affirmation bullshit while losing another job because “it wasn’t a space they could thrive in.” So, I’ll save you the trouble and isolate the two key indicators that this whole thing was just another Lohan Family Griftacular.

Exhibit A

I wouldn’t call things regrets, per se. I can’t turn back time. But if I could, I would have listened more to my mother and gone back home to N.Y.C. earlier in life and chosen my friends more wisely.

Exhibit B

My mother taught me to always be humble, and that is something I live by still today, so I would say that.

Cool, so Dina has Lindsay’s email password. (Hint: It’s ‘meryls#1BFF’ but even gin drunk for weeks, we all could have guessed that, right?)

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