Lindsay Lohan: ‘Jail’s Not Fair, You Guys’

July 28th, 2010 // 60 Comments
Lindsay Lohan

With her release most likely happening Sunday, Lindsay Lohan‘s starting to make a stink in her cell about being forced to go directly from jail to rehab without “family time,” according to her lawyer. I mean, it’s almost like the judge figured out they’re the root of her problems and is attempting to save her life. What a bitch! In the meantime, Lindsay is clearly being humbled by this experience and has placed several LA stylists on call for the entire weekend starting Thursday. Did I say humbled? I meant hasn’t learned dick. PopEater reports:

“I am sure Lindsay will be sick of orange and jumpsuits and I definitely think ankle bracelets are out,” Phillip Bloch, celebrity stylist and author of ‘The Shopping Diet,’ tells me. “Knowing Lindsay, I expect her to emerge in some skin tight jeans and some uber-trendy layered top. If I had the opportunity to dress her [Philip dressed Halle Berry when she accepted her Oscar] when she exits jail, I would put her in a soft and flowy sundress a la Natalie Wood. It wouldn’t be bad to soften up her image at this point.”
Steve Whitmore, a spokesman for the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department, told the LA Times this week that Lohan’s earliest release date would likely be Sunday, Aug. 1.

At this point, I’d say just let Lindsay go today. She has no stylists booked and her ass will be in rehab by tomorrow morning for a mandatory 90-day stint. I’m not even going to suggest that not having her hair and makeup done will be embarrassing when the paparazzi spot her because this is a woman who’s been photographed coked out of her mind for 98% of her life. No, really, Dina’s been telling people “Oh, that’s just baby powder” before she could even crawl.

Photo: Getty


  1. dietician

    i wonder if they are feeding her bologna sandwiches?

  2. Georgeo


  3. I hear she LOVES bologna. Salami too. Not sure she’ll find too much of it where she is now. Poor thing.

  4. Burt

    Would she rather stay in jail for the whole duration of her sentence?

  5. Jimmy Fury

    forget the “sundress a la Natalie Wood” can someone please take her out on a yacht a la Natalie Wood?

  6. sean

    Lindsay is a prime example of the spoiled brat that Hollywood breeds. She’s getting off easy.

  7. Oh

    I think this just goes to show how weak, over powered, & easily persuaded the system is.

  8. Georgeo

    Nice picture, Quacky McDucklips.

  9. Ron Burgandy's ballsack

    She does look like she needs a cockmeat sandwich.

  10. Viv

    How dare they derail her from her path of excess and self destruction, this woman is determined can’t you see? There is no jail, no lawyer, no judge, hell no law that can prevent her from her path. You got to admire that

  11. Mal Gusto

    Just noticed something. If she survives the next 10 years (that is a big IF), those lines on her throat are going to grow and sag. She is not going to age well at all (think Shauna Sands). Lindsay, honey, start doing porn right away before your looks deteriorate any further.

    • Turtle Lovin'

      I agree. Look at how old Dina Lohan looks for her age. She has leathery hands, an old neck and chest, and I thought she was old looking to be in her late 50s. Imagine my surprise when I found out she is only 46!

    • sobrietyisacrutch

      Perhaps the Linda Lovelace movie will be a character study. Linds would simply be indulging in method acting.

  12. Ugh...

    Honestly, did you expect her to learn anything from this? Sorry, ain’t gonna happen. She’s an arrogant, entitled little cokewhore princess, living in a world of extreme delusion. Even in jail she’s been complaining about this, whining about that, crying like a sissy. Top it off with her sentence being cut short, and it just feeds into her delusion of “everyone is out to get me; they’re all jealous haters”. I expect, once her sentence is over & she’s out of rehab (and back to being enabled by mommy dearest, without anyone telling her “NO!”), she will immediately go back to the cokewhore lifestyle.

    For rehab to work (or to learn anything from jail), the person has to be open to change. They have to admit their faults & move on from there. Problem is, blowhan doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong. So, she won’t learn from jail, and rehab isn’t going to work because she doesn’t want to be sober. I expect she’ll violate her probation again soon, and this pathetic ho-down will continue…

    • i think most of you all are overthinking her situation. she’s a 20-something year old who wants to party like most of the rest of us did at that age, and catch a break that many of the rest of us also did when getting caught. not every dui, speeding ticket, coke purchase, or drunk in public goes punished. if they did the whole country would be prisons. if you were punished to the full extent of the law for everything you did wrong in your life you’d probably be servicing a life sentence today. ease up on the pitchfork mentality.

      • Jen

        im going to have to disagree with you dude. i got a dui when i was a young’n and did what the judge ordered me to do. then i learned my lesson and grew the fuck up. my parents also werent maniacal fucking retards that let me do what i want. there’s something called tough love and this little bitch needs it. she needs to be a woman about this and suck it up and move on.

      • well yes once you’re caught you need to follow judge’s orders. missing alchi classes is definately lindsay’s major culpa. but the idea that she can’t live it up in the first place while she’s still single, just seems so unamerican. wasnt that long ago everyone in the US was doing cocaine. and before that smoking weed and dropped acid. besides maybe beltbuckle-pilgrim-hat sean, we’re not puritans eh?

      • Teabagger (think balls, not politics)

        Tough love is right. I got caught doing stupid crap when I was her age – never let off easy for it. Now 20 years later I’ve never had a DUI, never stolen clothes, never allowed myself to be publicly humiliated by getting caught doing stupid shit like LiLo.

        The think yay rubs me the wrong way about this bitch is that she’s got the attitude that she’s done nothing wrong. Her psycho mother feeds into it too. All she did was miss a couple of meetings, right? Never mind that the meetings were for DUIs, reckless driving, cocaine pisession, etc.

        In a way I’m hoping she figures out a way to get out of rehab early too – that way she can repeat all of this behavior but the system wi have to enforce mandatory minimums fir her – I am of the opinion that a full 90 day (or more) sentence served might well be the thing that saves LiLo from herself.

        And this isn’t because I’m rooting for LiLo – it’s because idiots like her who never learn shot from these experiences invariably end up hurting someone else with their destructive behavior. If she fails to get her shot together it might me you or I,or a child or pregnant mother she crashes into on her next DUI.

        On another note, I was really hoping that her incarceration would mean that we’d all get a break from having to see the duck lipped wonder for a whe. WTF Fish – this ain’t news, so give us a break!

      • sobrietyisacrutch

        “wasnt that long ago everyone in the US was doing cocaine. and before that smoking weed and dropped acid. ”
        Dude! I soooo wanna party with you.
        Actually, it depends what type of environment you were raised in. Although born and raised in N.Y.C., I never fell into that “me-me-me-if-it-feels-good-do-it” mentality of the 70′s and 80′s. Know why? My parents would have kicked my ass! And back then, when they “kicked your ass”, it was pretty literal.
        Yes, a hell of a lot of people party especially at that age. But damn, you gotta admit – Lindsey really is a professional at it. And it’s because of her sense of entitlement. Not many of us normal folk have that. In other words, it ain’t youth – it’s Hollywood.

      • RaraAvis

        She should have gone to jail for stealing that mink coat. And, if her debt is even close to what’s rumored, she should go to jail for that, too. Let’s bring back debtor’s prison, I say!

      • JollyJumJuck

        Sorry, but I humbly disagree. This bitch is obviously sucking Karma’s cock, because she has *so* many lucky breaks that it would take me a thousand lifetimes of pooling together my own good luck to equal what she has had in a year. I didn’t do get drunk in public, drive under the influence, or purchase coke, EVER. If I did end up speeding, I got a ticket. So don’t presume that you know how many fucking breaks *I’ve* had in my life, because they have been very, very few and far between. I have worked my ass off for everything I have, and if I get out of line even a bit, Karma is there to roast my ass. I accept that life isn’t fair. I don’t have to like it one bit, though.

    • onlooker

      Her mother needs to attend Betty Ford family alalon to understand her role as an enabler. Her mom doesn’t get it. Will that ever happen? Magic 8 ball says “not likely”.

      • for most people it only takes one screw up for them to fly straight. she has multiple offenses. at this point i don’t think she’ll ever clear up her act. here’s hoping for an early od so that we can all just forget about this skank

      • @onlooker: excellent point on alanon. too bad a judge couldnt mandate that. but even more fucking brilliant was that pun on ’8-ball’ lmao–if that was intentional (as in 0.125oz of coke)

        @sobrietyisacrutch: was she raised in hollywood? i thot shes from out on the island

    • Yea, family’s home is in Merrick. Sobriety does actually say she was raised in NY in his/her comment. :)

      • sillygirl

        it all could have been avoided if she just attended her alcohol education classes over the span of 3 years. now she has to suffer the consequences. she has nobody to blame but herself. she was irresponsible and expected to off scottfree with a good lawyer and her name but she is not above the law. it doesnt take much effort to show up and listen to a few classes you douchebag.

  13. Mitch

    She will break her probation within a couple weeks of being released.

  14. joho777

    Of course Lindsay needs makeup specialists and hair stylists, otherwise the fools might see who and what she really is.

    And the “family time” she is demanding are with her dealers, not with Dina and Ali.

    I can’t wait until she lands in rehab. How is Lindsay going to get her pills snuck in? Wait and see, folks.

    This will be Lindsay’s 4th trip through rehab. Anyone want to estimate how effective these plush rehabs are? How many patients actually quit the booze and/or drugs?? 5%? 2%? None?

  15. Nameless

    I hope she does something else to end up back in prison and for a longer stint.

    • hateyoufornoreason

      Unless she murders someone and turns herself in along with her bloody clothes and the murder weapon, she will remain free.

  16. Eric


  17. Turd Ferguson

    Nothing will change with her. Her family is so fucked up and delusional (not to mention attention starved.)

    She will eventually burn every bridge available and even the skanky, C-list roles and opportunities will dry up for her.

    I still have her in the top 3 of my Dead Pool.
    I hope she doesn’t take the little sister with her, but with those parents is there really any other scenario that makes sense?

    • turd, are you in the pool of 228 (353 incl late picks)? sorry to be cryptic. i love the fuck out of lindsay but have to admit, last december when i was picking for 2010……….

    • Oh, she’s totally up there in my pool, right along with Britney & Amy Winehouse. This is terrible, but I even threw Miley in there. Do you realize the points I’d get if she bites it??? lol

      • lol i have amy too. and angelina jolie. mostly though i have older statesmen and cancer patients. only hit so far this year is steinbrenner. same time last year i already had mj and pat swayze. got ted kennedy late. you hit yet this year?

  18. This is my first year participating, and I haven’t hit shit! I had wanted to replace someone with Gary Coleman, but it was too late to make changes to my list. My inexperience led me to add a bunch of young people, thinking that even if I only hit with one, I’d still get some decent points. lol I know better for next year. I’ve already put my list together. I did have a side bet with some friends of mine as to who would be the last of us left without a hit, and I won that one. So, that’s something. lol

  19. Honestly, I haven’t the slightest idea. I just know that some people I’m friends with participate in one, and someone dropped out. So, I was able to get in.

  20. Mike Nike

    Why won’t this chick just go away already.

  21. Romeo Rodreguz

    If only whining and complaining and self-entitled behavior were jail violations that could keep her in longer!

    Maybe if we all chant “Fight fight fight…” she’ll do something to get extended…?

  22. Urbanspaceman

    She should really get that scab-that-never-heals on her upper lip looked at.

  23. huh?

    Duck Lips needs to have an exit like Marilyn Monroe…

  24. Marcus

    Shee needs a hug and a facial. Then her cunt licked.

  25. This chick is hopeless.. Another Hollywood tragedy waiting to happen.

  26. captain america


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