Lindsay Lohan Is Seriously Giving Refugees Energy Drinks

Yesterday, we learned that Lindsay Lohan and her business partner/current top john are planning an international brand of nightclubs behind the Lohan name, which obviously follows the Trump model, except the pussy grabbing at Lindsay’s establishments will be complimentary with bottle service. But we also learned that Lindsay plans on supplying Syrian refugees with aid in the form of “organic health drinks,” which actually turned out to be German knock-off Red Bull, because if there’s one thing a psychologist will tell you to give someone who’s just been through a traumatic experience, it’s stimulants. Via Page Six:

According to an insider, Lohan has partnered with a German energy drink, Mintanine. The beverage, which is available at Lohan’s eponymous Greek nightclub, will also be supplied at the refugee camps.
“There’s hardly food, water or anything” else at the camp, explained a source close to LiLo, “so at this point sending anything is helpful.”

First of all, that is objectively false. “Anything” is not helpful. For example, if you airdropped crates full of Freaky Friday Blu-rays, that would not be helpful. Second, okay fine, I guess drinking this crap is better than dying of thirst, so I have to give her that, but what’s even in this shit anyway?

Mintanine is described on its website as a “blue caffeine lemonade” and “lifestyle drink” with the tag line: “Blue tastes woohoo🙂.” It recently sponsored a Playboy club tour in Frankfurt, Germany.
As for any health benefits for the thirsty refugees, “We do not use synthetic flavors or caffeine, no taurin, no aspartam, no inosit, but natural guarana,” says the site.

Jesus. Christ. The words “your lifestyle drink” are printed right on the can, which for any English speaking refugee has to be a great reminder that in addition to the fact that they’ll probably never return home, their new “lifestyle” is now relying on sustenance provided by Lindsay Lohan, who is blatantly using this shit to promote her nightclubs while simultaneously helping create a tax shelter for a European businessman she probably met after waking up on his yacht. I can’t wait until she partners with her dad for her next charitable venture in which they donate every pair of loafers he’s ever worn to kick a vagina to battered women shelters. There have to be thousands of them by now.

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