Lindsay Lohan is Lesbian Meat

With only a week left until she goes to jail for less than five minutes, lesbian gangs are already salivating at the opportunity to get a piece of Lindsay Lohan which makes perfect sense. According to my sources, one ginger vagina is worth roughly twice the smokes because of its “patented devil magic.” (I’m allowed to count myself as a source, right?) The Sun reports:

Tamara Haley, 38, doing time for heroin possession and prostitution, said last night: “Everyone will want a piece of her. It will make them famous if they hurt Lindsay Lohan. Or if you get her to cry, the whole ward will laugh and people will love it – even the guards.”
Tamara also warned bisexual Lindsay of the jail’s lesbian gangs – and offered advice on how to avoid their clutches.
She revealed: “The gay inmates wear their shirts inside out to let others know they are available. So if Lindsay doesn’t want someone to grab her ass she’d better keep her shirt on straight. Women grab each other like animals when the guards aren’t looking. It’s disgusting.”

Of course, the most hilarious part of this story is that a 38-year-old convict probably just gave Lindsay more helpful advice than her mother has during her entire life. Unless “Hey, could you sign a couple of blank checks before you leave?” counts as motherly wisdom. I’m not a therapist.

Photos: Splash News