Lindsay Lohan’s Vagina Offered Another Million Dollars

October 27th, 2011 // 86 Comments

Oh, I see how it is. Poses for Playboy and thinks she can walk around all levitatin’ and shit.

Lindsay Lohan has only just begun dipping her toe into the exciting world of pornography and already she’s been offered more money and work than Hollywood has shown her in half a decade. We’ve always said it’s her calling, and honestly, I’m proud to see her finally find her place in this cold, cruel world. You done good, kid. TMZ reports:

Playboy’s million dollar baby has just received ANOTHER million dollar offer from a sex toy company … TMZ has learned.
The honchos from an adult entertainment company called FleshLight have fired over a letter to Lohan’s reps … hoping to seal a deal with the actress which would allow the company to take a mold of LiLo’s lady parts to produce “authentic” Lindsay Lohan sex toys.

Wow. $1 million to let a company make a quick mold of your noonerhole. If I was a cash-strapped, washed-up actress with a coke habit and mom who won’t stop leeching on me, I’d ask if they want clay or cement before the papers are even signed, so naturally Lindsay’s going to put on airs because she’s a fucking idiot:

We’re told Lindsay hasn’t seen the offer yet … but sources close to the actress tell us, “She would never accept such an offer for any amount of money.”

So just for the record:

Letting a married, millionaire hotel owner have actual sex with your vagina just so you can get into a couple Fashion Week parties: Okay.

Letting a company make a mold of your vagina to the tune of $1 million so men can only pretend to have sex with it: Not okay.

Phew. For a minute there I thought this family had lost all sense of logic and reason, but clearly they’ve got shit figured out. Everything looks in order to me.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News


  1. Buddy the Elf

    Does it come with crabs, or is that extra?

    • Fester

      Crabs AND scabs. You knew there had to be a good reason those things are so expensive, otherwise guys would just spit on their hand. Oh, they do? Never mind.

      • cc

        Not sure you are right there. I have a source on the inside and apparently they are going to sand off anything ‘incongruous’.

    • “We’re gonna need a bigger angle grinder!”

    • Bernadette

      No there free. But this picture of her is just a placebo.

    • CranAppleSnapple

      I am boggled trying to picture how they make this thing. (While also trying not to picture it.) Right now I’m imagining they fill her with No More Gaps and then turn her inside out.

  2. Richard McBeef

    She’ll never do it because it would likely out compete her actual vagina for dicks. Her vagina already has enough competition with her asshole.

    • TomFrank

      It’s not the competition that worries her. It’s the bargaining chip.

      “I’ll let you fuck me for a dime bag.”
      “Girrrl, I been fuckin’ your pussy for years now. You just didn’t know it.”

  3. Rob

    “Noonerhole” made me smile. Keep up the good work.

  4. Cock Dr

    There are a lot of horny, pervy guys posting on this site….would ANY of you actually buy such a product?

  5. Something tells me Dinah would be more than happy to “fill in”, assuming the government hasn’t plugged and capped hers in cement by now.

    • Abby Normal

      Or maybe Ali, for the pencil-dick model. Of course you could probably clamp your dick between a couple soup bones and get the same effect.

  6. papastryfe

    I wonder if the lilo fleshlight will come with a red light to simulate the firecrotch, or an std inflammation, either way makes it authentic.

    • Lemmiwinks

      Just keep your fingers crossed the warehouse doesn’t screw up and send you the FleshLight instant hot-dog cooker, which unfortunately looks exactly the same…

  7. Fester

    FleshLight simply needs to translate the offer into a form of currency Lindsay can understand, like kilos.

  8. MoJoTee

    The couture of the love tunnel inside will be like a McD’s coke spoon from the 80′s – the one with the heart at the end: I’d buy it!

  9. imabrat

    Go for it Lohan, it’s the only work you’ll get now. As if you hadn’t smeared your reputation through the mud enough, you are on the bottom of the barrel now. No one with class, credibility or ethics would touch you.

  10. TRON

    They should just go to Arby’s and save themselves $999,998.

  11. Mrs. Potato Crotch, complete with interchangeable blisters, lesions, scabs, and open sores.

  12. She’ll do it. She said in 2005 she would never pose nude.

    Never say never Blowhan, why someone would want to look at your damaged goods is beyond me but then again some people like to have sex with animals.

  13. Lindsay Lohan Sex Toy
    Commented on this photo:

    I can’t wait until Ginger’s down to her last $35,000 in cash and jewels.

  14. alexxx


    “leeching on me, I’d ask they if want clay or cement”

  15. I guess there is a market for washed up ginger snapper.

  16. Venom

    I am beginning to think her call girl rates are not as cheap as I hoped they would be….

  17. r

    she will never get another movie she may aswell take this offer.the money she has made from playboy wont last forever with her shopping and drug habbit lus her mom taking mom from her.

  18. Archies_Leach

    For a million bucks I’ll let anyone make moldings of whatever part of my body they want.

  19. Frank Burns

    Attention Samantha Ronson: a career in product quality control has just appeared for you

  20. Bernadette

    Looks like she’s working in a junk yard. I wonder where all the dogs are, that is, besides her.

  21. Home Depot already sells the Lindsay Lohan Fleshlight, though probably to avoid lawsuits, they call it, “The Five Gallon Bucket.”

  22. Frank Burns

    I think I know what I’m dressing up as this Halloween!

  23. And in related news, Little-Trees offered Lohan $300,000 to make a rotten-tuna sandwiched smelling air freshener based on her firecrotch. Nice.

  24. plastic is not fantastic

    If she gets desperate enough for cash, she’ll resort to porn. Thank goodness enough no name clothing designers & photographers still think she’s hot shit or we would have already seen her nasty cooch hole.

    • Venom

      She will never have to do porn. Look at Sophie Monk, Naomi Campbell and Victoria Silverstdt for example. There are plenty of hundred millionaires and billionaires that will be happy to take care of her in exchange for the fame of dating Lindsay Lohan. Dating a washed up former A list star and getting photographed constantly is a way better investment for getting publicity and fame than any Lamborghini, Ferrari or mega yacht will ever give you.

      I bet there are more than a few Russian billionaires out there ready to throw huge amounts of money at her to be seen with her.

      • MJB

        Is this part of a secret Fair Trade agreement? America gets the Russian golddiggers and we send the American ones over there.

  25. Oh yea

    No doubt the mold would be a better screw than LiLo. Plus it wouldn’t ask for blow before/during/after.

  26. grobpilot

    Is the room-temperature cream cheese-ooze feature optional?

  27. AdamG

    Get the experience of sexing Lindsay Lohan without the herpes, unless you already have herpes, in which case, you’ve probably sexed the real Lindsay Lohan.

  28. What, did she think offers for big-budget movies would roll in after posing for Playboy? Nothing screams “Take me seriously as an actress.” like showing the world your chum bucket. Again.

  29. F-in vampire

  30. The new Lohan casting from FleshLight will be called “There is an Echo in Here and it itches.”

  31. Steelerchick

    Bawhahaha!! Noonhole!!
    too funny

  32. MrXtotheThird

    And it’ll be almost $10 cheaper than fucking her actual vagina!

  33. celebutard

    The only thing FleshLight needs now on the contract, is Lohan’s potato stamp of approval.

  34. lol~noonerhole

    “ill like…. do it for a thousand if you dont put my name on iiit”

  35. forrest gump

    her vagina is like the teeth in her mouth: DIRTY & ROTTEN!!

  36. i like looking at lindsay's vagina

    i hope lindsay does ass to mouth with a big dildo in her playboy pics. i wanna see her deep throat at least 8 inches of thick dildo after she pulls it out of her asshole. for a million bucks she better put at least 8 inches of dildo up her ass hole in the pictures

  37. Arzach

    Look gentleman, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to have a Lindsay Lohan’s vagina that is safer and cleaner that the actual Lindsay Lohan’s vagina!
    Does it comes with extra freckles?

  38. Anon

    Am I the only one who thinks that she’s looking kind of chunky in these pictures? Her thighs look pretty meaty compared to how emaciated she normally looks.

  39. Lindsay Lohan Sex Toy
    Commented on this photo:

    “Tomorrow? Yeah, right! Maybe I’ll see you again in a couple of weeks.”

  40. Lemmiwinks

    @i like looking at lindsay’s vagina, What? Nothing hardcore?

  41. Lindsay Lohan Sex Toy
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow. a) Way to give a little perspective; she doesn’t look so thunder-thighed now. b) All the other (presumably) community-servicers are carrying something out before they go. Oh, but not our Linds.

  42. James

    Playboy isn’t pornography.

  43. Fig Newton-John

    A college buddy of mine works at Playboy. He says the shoot was “Two Lohans, One Cup”. Michael Lohan takes a dump into a cup, and Lindsey eats it. Then she pukes all of that fecal matter all over Michael’s face. Then he bangs her in the ass and blasts his prostate chowder all over her face. I would pay to see that!

    • i like looking at lindsay's vagina

      you for got the part where lindsay took a projectile diarrhea shit in michael’s face while she was sucking michael’s cock with her ass over michael’s face. and his mouth was wide open because he wanted to eat as much of her projectile diarrhea as possible. then he didnt wash his face for days because he was proud to have lindsays shit all over his face and he likes the smell of it.

  44. LolleyGagger

    She should take the late Brittany Murphy’s place as the third Powerslut girl. I’m sure Paris and Tara wouldn’t mind even though Paris did call her “firecrotch”, hey it’s true.

    Fleshlight also makes anal & mouth molds so all three Lindsay holes will be made but they usually don’t come with hair which won’t matter because Lindsay doesn’t have any either.

  45. UknowIT

    If a real celebrity made a deal with fleshlight that they made a % off every product sold, the celebrity could quit working for good and just live off the money it would make, they would sell so many that they couldn’t keep up.

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