Wait. Lindsay Lohan Is A Nanny?

August 26th, 2014 // 23 Comments
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“Call me Mrs. Crotchfire.”

I would’ve posted this sooner, but a gaping vagina and 18 server crashes will fuck a man’s schedule up, so here’s In Touch Weekly reporting that not only is Lindsay Lohan “dating” an investment banker, she’s also taking care of his kids who presumably don’t have a mother that loves them because she hasn’t tried to flee the country with them:

Lindsay helps the kids take baths. She really pitches in looking after them, and the girls really like her,” a second source tells the mag, adding that the actress is doing better than ever. “She’s finally in a mature relationship with a really grounded guy.”

So you know how everyone’s been freaking out lately about the over-militarization of local police forces? Hear me out: What if we gave all that shit to child services? Mainly wherever this guy lives. Who’s going to argue that? Besides libertarians. They’re a silly group.

Photos: Splash News


  1. OK, she’s a nanny. She’ll need a new career anyway, once she realizes she’s no longer an actress.

  2. I’m not sure if teaching children how to do lines of coke off of a penis in a seedy bathroom stall is the best idea. Sure, these can be important life skills, but most are learned by accident…

  3. The story made no sense – when exactly does LiLo has time to bathe anyone, let alone HERSELF, when she’s at a club/with a john every night?

    Then I remember… it was written by “In Touch”.

    ‘Nuff said. Moving on.

  4. “Lindsay helps the kids take baths.”

    i.e., she washes the coke residue off the kids at the end of the day.

  5. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks like Chucky with tits.

  6. Short Round

    King Herod just went WTF!

  7. Oh good, the thumbing-down hasn’t started yet. Last week I got here late and I had to stay up most of the night before my comment got one. Hi Lindsay.

  8. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    Pathetic. She’s done that for years now. Time to move on, girlfriend.

  9. That investment banker obviously has access to asbestos condoms… well, that and the self-esteem of a failed actress.

  10. Miley Cyrusis aslut

    Libertarians are silly bunch…but not as silly as Fish for reporting anything from In Touch as fact….even though Lilo probably would bath little kids, because being a pedophile hooker is a step up from her current career of public restroom stall denizen.

  11. Justine Bleeper

    If it wasn’t for the attitude, the ego, the idiocy, and the toxic vagina, I’d want to maybe fuck her once. Ah, well.

  12. I had no problem with this, but then I checked the headline again. See, TRANNY I could believe…

  13. She’s heading into “Fish finds her hot” levels of fatness.

  14. Letting Lindsay Lohan bathe your kids seems about as responsible as letting Andrea Yates bathe your kids after Susan Smith drives them to the swimming hole.

  15. Probably some sort of prostitution thing where a rich guy pays lindsay to fuck his kids. My parents were never that cool.

  16. Either her mother started the story, or he was just another of her one night stands, as Lindsay has already denied the relationship.

  17. Kisses4Katie

    Sweet Jesus I lost it at that caption. The fat face makes it all the more perfect.

  18. JimBB

    ““Lindsay helps the kids take baths. She really pitches in looking after them”

    Does passing out in the kid’s bathtub and throwing lamps at them really count as “helping the kids with their baths” and “pitching in”?

  19. PassingTrue

    Hopefully the “investment banker” has his credit cards, cash, negotiable securities, precious metals, checkbook and all other cash equivalents secured.

    I’m told that leaving a pre-agreed amount of cash on the dresser is still acceptable.

  20. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    I was still sort of rooting for her (yeah, I don’t know why either). But, as a doctor, the face, finger and stomach bloat… That’s one sad-face emoji liver.

  21. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    Judging from her puffyness, I think someone may have laced (or substuted) her coke with a steroid.

  22. anonym

    hahaha. this is just sad. She just sticks to whatever guy that has money. That’s all she needs now

  23. terry

    She must be hitting the heroine hard cause those fillers makes her face look like the Michelin tire guy.

  24. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    “I’ve been good. I only did two lines of coke today!”

  25. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    I loved her in ‘Mask’.

  26. Lindsay Lohan
    Mike Anger
    Commented on this photo:

    “The Saudis will pay 2 grand per kid, which will pay for a lot of …….. sobriety coaching.”

  27. Lindsay Lohan
    Mike Anger
    Commented on this photo:

    “It was bullshit. I asked him of there were any ‘special people’ he wanted to me to ‘take care of’, and next thing I knew, in came these fucking kids!!!”

  28. Lindsay Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    The long awaited sequel to Rosemary’s Baby

  29. Apparently they don’t have father that loves them either.

  30. Mary Pophim

    As a professional nanny, I find this quite terrifying.

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