Lindsay Lohan Didn’t Show Up For Court Because Her Dad Allegedly Raped Dina 20 Years Ago. Yup.

“All that vah-ka gimme new parents? No? Nexbar!”

Lindsay Lohan was scheduled appear in court this morning where prosecutors would determine whether or not to charge her for allegedly assaulting a psychic who allegedly was trying to steal the dude she’s stalking. Except photos of her kept surfacing in London all weekend where she was constantly partying and/or performing $100,000 fellatio on Asian royalty, so of course she didn’t show up this morning. A series of events that should’ve been even more obvious the minute Dina Lohan ran to the NY Daily News yesterday and gave an interview blaming everything Lindsay does on her father:

Dina, a slender, 50-year-old former dancer, said: “Lindsay saw her dad abuse me — that’s why she’s so screwed up.”
The mom, who spent the holidays partying in London with her flame-haired daughter, said a family photo gave her the courage to finally share the abuse she allegedly endured during her marriage, which ended in divorce in 2007.
“Michael beat the hell out of me,” Dina said, of the 1986 incident memorialized in a family snapshot of the young mother holding her baby girl — Lindsay — while sporting a huge purple bruise under her right eye.
“When Lindsay saw the photo, she was furious,” said Dina. “She said, ‘Tell the world! Talk about it!’”

After being forced to live with her parents once Michael kept going in and out of jail for insider trading and securities fraud, Dina claims he came to visit her in 1990 and raped her which, and I say this with all sincerity, is the first thing I’ve heard come out of her mouth that I actually believe. I’m speechless:

“He said, ‘I love you and I want to be with you,’ but then it went dark. It went dark really quick,” said Dina.
She said Michael Lohan raped her as her children slept.
“[They] were sleeping, and I just knew I had to stay quiet — I don’t want to wake them,” she said.
When her parents came home later, they insisted Dina go to the hospital.
According to Nassau County Hospital medical records, Dina did go to the ER to report a rape. She was examined by doctors and her clothes and other evidence was gathered in a rape kit.
Notes on the report indicate doctors called the police and also a coalition for abused women.
Dina never pressed charges, she said, because once again, her husband was already on his way to jail.

Fortunately Michael has a classy explanation for all this if your definition of classy is, “Hey, that bitch was riding me and got jealous because I stuck it to some other pigeon. Whadda ya gonna do?”

Michael called Dina’s version of events revisionist history, insisting that their sex was consensual.
He said Dina invited him to her parents’ house personally and took the lead with their intercourse in a first-floor bedroom.
“How can you rape a person when they’re on top of you?” he asked.
They were separated at the time, Michael explained, and he was dating another woman.
He said Dina claimed rape in a jealous fit after she called him later that night and heard he was with the girlfriend.
“I went over to her parents’ house and made love to her,” he said Sunday. “When I left and she called me, she found out I was with (the girlfriend) and called police. Then she called me the next day, crying. I said, ‘Let’s work this out.’ And I got back with Dina. There were no charges.”

I’ll hand it to Dina. Not only has she managed to (almost) completely deflect from the fact she’s been doing blow and partying with Lindsay from the minute the Disney money started rolling in, but after reading this I completely stopped blaming Lindsay for being such a fuck-up and simply marveled at the fact that all she’s done so far is become an international hooker who runs overs babies. Seriously, it’s a miracle James Bond hasn’t shot her for detonating a Doomsday Device in the middle of Queens. “Looksh like you’ve been shnuffed out, FrecklePushy.”

Photo: Bauer-Griffin, INFdaily, WENN