Lindsay Lohan Didn’t Show Up For Court Because Her Dad Allegedly Raped Dina 20 Years Ago. Yup.

January 7th, 2013 // 23 Comments
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“All that vah-ka gimme new parents? No? Nexbar!”

Lindsay Lohan was scheduled appear in court this morning where prosecutors would determine whether or not to charge her for allegedly assaulting a psychic who allegedly was trying to steal the dude she’s stalking. Except photos of her kept surfacing in London all weekend where she was constantly partying and/or performing $100,000 fellatio on Asian royalty, so of course she didn’t show up this morning. A series of events that should’ve been even more obvious the minute Dina Lohan ran to the NY Daily News yesterday and gave an interview blaming everything Lindsay does on her father:

Dina, a slender, 50-year-old former dancer, said: “Lindsay saw her dad abuse me — that’s why she’s so screwed up.”
The mom, who spent the holidays partying in London with her flame-haired daughter, said a family photo gave her the courage to finally share the abuse she allegedly endured during her marriage, which ended in divorce in 2007.
“Michael beat the hell out of me,” Dina said, of the 1986 incident memorialized in a family snapshot of the young mother holding her baby girl — Lindsay — while sporting a huge purple bruise under her right eye.
“When Lindsay saw the photo, she was furious,” said Dina. “She said, ‘Tell the world! Talk about it!’”

After being forced to live with her parents once Michael kept going in and out of jail for insider trading and securities fraud, Dina claims he came to visit her in 1990 and raped her which, and I say this with all sincerity, is the first thing I’ve heard come out of her mouth that I actually believe. I’m speechless:

“He said, ‘I love you and I want to be with you,’ but then it went dark. It went dark really quick,” said Dina.
She said Michael Lohan raped her as her children slept.
“[They] were sleeping, and I just knew I had to stay quiet — I don’t want to wake them,” she said.
When her parents came home later, they insisted Dina go to the hospital.
According to Nassau County Hospital medical records, Dina did go to the ER to report a rape. She was examined by doctors and her clothes and other evidence was gathered in a rape kit.
Notes on the report indicate doctors called the police and also a coalition for abused women.
Dina never pressed charges, she said, because once again, her husband was already on his way to jail.

Fortunately Michael has a classy explanation for all this if your definition of classy is, “Hey, that bitch was riding me and got jealous because I stuck it to some other pigeon. Whadda ya gonna do?”

Michael called Dina’s version of events revisionist history, insisting that their sex was consensual.
He said Dina invited him to her parents’ house personally and took the lead with their intercourse in a first-floor bedroom.
“How can you rape a person when they’re on top of you?” he asked.
They were separated at the time, Michael explained, and he was dating another woman.
He said Dina claimed rape in a jealous fit after she called him later that night and heard he was with the girlfriend.
“I went over to her parents’ house and made love to her,” he said Sunday. “When I left and she called me, she found out I was with (the girlfriend) and called police. Then she called me the next day, crying. I said, ‘Let’s work this out.’ And I got back with Dina. There were no charges.”

I’ll hand it to Dina. Not only has she managed to (almost) completely deflect from the fact she’s been doing blow and partying with Lindsay from the minute the Disney money started rolling in, but after reading this I completely stopped blaming Lindsay for being such a fuck-up and simply marveled at the fact that all she’s done so far is become an international hooker who runs overs babies. Seriously, it’s a miracle James Bond hasn’t shot her for detonating a Doomsday Device in the middle of Queens. “Looksh like you’ve been shnuffed out, FrecklePushy.”

Photo: Bauer-Griffin, INFdaily, WENN


  1. unedited version

    “When Lindsay saw the photo, she was furious,” said Dina. “She said, ‘Tell the world! Talk about it! WOOOOO!!! THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME COKE!!!’”

  2. Taylor Swift's Tampon String

    I would rather read a story about a Kardashian miscarriage. Here’s to hoping that event happens.

    • The Most Interesting

      I’d much rather it was retroactive. Like 30 years ago.

      Maybe 60. That’d work, too.

  3. I can’t believe anyone would fuck Michael Lohan willingly so I believe all he does is rape.

    And when I start my rock band, it shall be named FrecklePushy.

  4. Lindsay Lohan Drunk London
    Commented on this photo:

    Scarf or vodka bib? You decide.

  5. No shocker when two fuck-ups create another fuck-up.

  6. WhiskeyDust

    In related news, I just farted.

    Death will be the only teacher that gets through that thick skull and those chins.

  7. YaY?

    “Michael beat the hell out of me”

    Well done, Michael Lohan. Well done.

  8. cc

    Going out to bars and getting hammered with your daughter. Classyyyy.

  9. Dina not only enables her daughter’s drug and alcohol abuse, but she obsesses about keeping her daughter emotionally dependent on her by throwing up the co-dependent alcoholic relationship that was her marriage to Michael and playing the sole victim.

  10. Good Lord this is one messed up family.

  11. JC

    No freckled titties = no news.

  12. I wish I was a terminator sent back in time to eliminate these assholes before they ever polluted our collective consciousness with their miserable existences.

  13. Lindsay Lohan Drunk London
    Commented on this photo:

    Mmmmmmm…. WHO is that ample bosomed heifer? She looks like more fun than Cokeorella.

  14. Lindsay Lohan Drunk London
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Business was probably very good last week.

  15. KB

    If you ever refer to Lindsay Lohan as anything but “FrecklePushy” ever again I will no longer come to this site.

  16. Rockette

    Good thing Dina made them include that part about her being slender and a former dancer. We can never hear enough about that, by golly.

  17. kery

    poor lindsay. Dina should have left that man the first time he beat her in order to avoid all those problems to her kids.

  18. Edod

    Come back to America and face your charges. You can’t stay in London forever. But you probably think you can. Delusional.

  19. PeeDeeEss

    I think both Michael and Dina are sociopaths who are unable to feel empathy or compassion for anyone but themselves. I can only imagine what Lindsay and her siblings have experieced at the hands of these two narcissists.

  20. PeeDeeEss

    And for the record, husband-and-wife sociopaths are not uncommon in the world.

  21. What an idiot

    This family is full of attention whoring sociopaths. They all deserve to die…

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