Lindsay Lohan Is Converting To Islam

First off, let me revel in that headline for a second.

*rubs hands together* Muahahaha! CLICKS!

Second, last week I joked about Lindsay Lohan blowing a sultan, so I’m pretty sure I made all of this happen with my mind, and you should kneel before the awesome might of my power. Page Six reports:

“I’m a very spiritual person and I’m really open to learning,” the Catholic-born actress told The Sun on her conversion to Islam.
Lohan, 29, who was spotted carrying a copy of the Koran while tending to her community service in New York last summer, also said there’s more to the text than what many people have been led to believe.

And you can totally trust Lindsay when it comes to the Koran because it’s not like she’s walking around preaching about it without even reading the whole thing. Who does that?

“I’m not done reading it. Do you know how long that would take? It takes so long,” Lohan said.

In related news, Donald Trump has promised to gather up Lindsay Lohan’s vagina and place it in a camp “until things die down a little bit.” Nothing permanent. However, that’s proven to be difficult with one worker describing the project as trying to pack a parachute in a wind tunnel if parachutes burn human skin on contact and have crabs the size of your fists. “At this point, we’re hoping to open up lines of communication with the crabs,” he said, “But right now their main concern is housing nests in our skulls. It’s a process.”

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